Here it is Sunday, finally the end of one of the worst weeks I've had in my life. I can't say I'm coming to terms with her death... I don't know if I will ever be able to do that; but I'm not a bumbling mess of tears today. My father was not in the right state of mind to handle the funeral arrangements, so I had to plan her funeral. I was amazed at the charity in the hearts of the people who helped me with the proceedings. As my family was not able to afford the cost of a funeral, nor did they have an insurance policy, it was the contributions of this community that made it possible to respect the wishes of Tina and have an actual funeral for her, instead of the cremation that the state will pay for.
Planning her funeral has helped me cope with her loss... It has always been best for me to stay busy instead of wasting away dwelling over the unchangeables.
Its hard to be so hurt, but at the same time respect that other people are hurting in their own ways. I was often so angry that it seemed I was only one who was hurt by this. Some people treated this like a celebration... I wanted her life to be celebrated, I just didn't want them to celebrate. As I sat crying the other night, I knew she would have never wanted me to do that. She always cared so much about my health and stability. She knows how weak my mental state can be. At points I wanted to join her, my children will never know that they saved my life this week.
I have struggled with the concepts of the afterlife. It is hard to believe in a god that takes so much from his people. Even though I don't know whether to believe in heaven and hell, I sit here and pray that she is in heaven, holding her baby boy that she lost so many years ago, looking down at us, saying, "Don't cry, I'm so much better now and I'll see you again in time. Live your life to the fullest, as I learned to do and don't stress the small things, because in the end, all you need in life is love."
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