I woke up this morning to the sounds of thunder clapping and rain tapping outside my bedroom. The sounds were so enticing, that I found myself drawn to the cement front porch with the haphazardly hung roof line held up unconvincingly with 4x6's, still in their natural grain. I sat on the steps by the door, shoddy painted blue wooden siding to both sides of me for nearly an hour just watching the rain coming down. The wind blew the stout sunflowers over as if they had dropped something precious on the ground and needed to pick it up. Little birds chirped in the morning shower, cleaning the grit and grime that had accumulated over the past dry, warm week. The cracked ground eagerly soaked up the beads of moisture and disbursed it among the many thirsty plants.
As I sat there, I found myself thinking about this journey that I've been traveling, seemingly unsuccessfully. I realized how often I moped about "poor me" and this unbearable diagnosis. So jealous of those who were witness that it could be conquered, I just felt that I was never one of those people. I missed having Tina support me as I battled through this. IT WASN'T FAIR!!!! But, then again, who decides what is fair? Of course the person in self pity, doesn't think anything that doesn't work in there favor is lacking in fairness. Was that me? Was I so consumed with self loathing that I couldn't see the strength that I had to fight this? Sadly, I do believe this is true. I face today, slightly sleepy from getting up so early, but boldly and decidedly. I am strong. I am a fighter. I AM A SURVIVOR, A VICTOR! I am Jamie, the daughter of amazingly STRONG women, and I will triumph.
Hi. My name is Jamie Huntsman Coulter and I have bipolar disorder.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The beginning of the end
So, after months of nonstop go, a couple episodes of infidelity, it all came to a halt at what I'm going to call the "moment of truth." I had successfully self destructed to the point of no return, had little recollection of said times, and was ready to end my life. I started to drink and take meds, waiting for the moment when no one was there to stop me... Somehow, he saw through me. When I say he saw through me, I mean literally, in every facet of the interpretation. He saw me for the little girl I've always been. He saw me for the woman who couldn't let go. He saw me for the disaster that bipolar had made me. And he didn't walk away.
On April 24th, he admitted me to the hospital under a suicidal watch. I spent 48 hours in that hell, but they put me on medication, and I was set to followup with my personal psychologist the following Monday. Wednesday, May 5, 2010, I started attending an intensive partial hospitalization therapy program. The following entries are different exercises and notes from my days spent in there until today. From this point on, I will log entries separately, on a daily basis.
May 11, 2010 (we had to make a story utilizing key phrases)
Laying in my cozy bed, pondering the worth of my life, I hear the gentle scratching of "the tree branches outside the window." My husband is staring at me questioningly with "big, sad eyes," to which I brutally reply, 'No, I will not write about your penis.' I think back to the days of summer spent with the family I loved so dear. In an effort to win the love of my father, I planned a family camping trip . After much investment and collaboration the event was in place. We spent nights sitting around the bonfire. The magic of the fire enticed all who watched it take like, as it was "dancing with the hot crackling flames." Tina's soul lit up with passion, much like that of "the child's hidden smile" when afraid to reveal joy for it might be stolen. I thought I was "like a butterfly, pinned to a display," hoping my father would love me, accept me. All the years of just like your mother, coursing through my veins. I entered that summer wanting my father's love, I ended that summer with a new best friend. I had gained a person in whom I gave all my trust, all my secrets. My hopes and dreams laid in her hands. After that summer I had gained a person who saw through the lies and facade, and loved who I was. She made me feel better about my dad's feelings for me. I eagerly looked to the start of the next summer; another season spent with family and enjoying life.... Unfortunately this summer was met with her departure from life. I miss everyday without her chats and gruff laugh.
(I cried when I read this to the others)
Nooma. com (rob bell videos)
Luggage -
I will not let what others did to me, determine who I am as a person.
The baggage makes your journey harder
Balance Living Grid - make a grid of 9 squares of what needs attention in your life and how are you going to give that time.
School - 1 hour every other night
Romance - date night every other weekend
Exercise - walk 5 nights a week, start the gym 3x a week
Family-weekend activities
Fun -
Garden - weed small sections at a time
Me -
Culture - visit something 1x a month
House - deep clean 1x biweekly
5-12-10
So sleepy!!! It is only death which is hopeless
Journal about suicide video -
During the video, I found myself relating to the lady who kept rationalizing her worthlessness as a mother. I often feel like my emotional issues do more harm to my children then good. It would set them free of my baggage if I were not around.
I thought about the emotional state of my daughter. Have I ever put too much pressure on her where she felt the need to escape. It breaks my heart to even consider the impact of her committing suicide on my life, on the life of our family. She has so much of me coursing through her veins, as I do with my own mother. I hope the cycle breaks.
Then I think about Mike's suicide. I remember how it killed my mom. She never got over that void in her life.
Where am I now?
5-13-10
I'm starting to wonder if this is a waste of time... Am I ever going to feel better?
10 Things that are important to me
1.My son
2.My daughter
3.My laptop
4.My cellphone
5.My garden
6.My husband
7.My education
8.My cat
9.My occasional chair
10.My memories
5 Positive Affirmations
1.Sense of Humor
2.Smart
3.Dedicated/Focused
4.Gardener
5.Mediocre Driver
5-16-10 (I went to church for the first time in 10+ years)
*Happy Birthday Tina*
"God's highest priority in creation is the family." - Pastor Jeanette
"The little foxes spoil the vineyard."
Ephesians 4-6
1. Mutual, genuine respect and value for each member, "tell me more about that," when you disagree.
speak to a person based on and addressing those needs
2. Biblical Submission. The church is strong, a leader. Respect our husband's needs, that I'm one with him.
3. For husbands to have a godly love for their wives, love your wife all day long.
5-18-10
Grief
Men Women
don't cry cries (sad)
vengeful bitch (anger)
anger sad (safe feeling)
1.Denial/Shock/Disbelief
2.Bargaining
3.Guilt/Shame/Self Blame
4.Anger (men)/Depression (women)
5.Acceptance/Forgiveness
You can go back to other stages - something can trigger a relapse
Unresolved grief accumulates.
Journal the earliest time getting hurt.
"It's difficult to think back to the earliest recollection of getting hurt... Wow, I think my whole childhood was full of pain. I'm assuming my feelings of abandonment are due to my father's incarceration when I was about 3. He was put in prison in Texas for drug trafficking with the intent to distribute. I don't remember the bust, nor do I remember him going to prison... I just remember shortly after talking to him on the phone back home in Indiana. He was my world back then; I was definitely a daddy's girl to the core. Sigh, but he was gone, for a long time. He wasn't there to protect me from my grandpa's roaming hands. He wasn't there to prevent me from witnessing my mom's fiance's suicide. He wasn't there to save her from being murdered. Instead, when he was around, he was evil. He beat her and yelled. He scared me to the core. He came home a different daddy. He came home a stranger. I didn't love him anymore."
Grief - Loss -
sadness home
anger family
bargaining hopes
denial dreams
journal writing car
hate job
bitterness etc
self medication
etc
Advised to start an accomplishment file - write down daily accomplishments.
5/19/10
I lost myself
have I outgrown Shane?
Watching the flag wave, I start thinking, "should I move on?"
Indiana flag, ascension flag, US flag
Is it Just me??
15 things I do to impress
1.Shower
2.Dress
3.Cook Food
4.Joke
5.Do well in class
6.Post random philosophical quotes on facebook
7.Facebook fan pages
8.Drink Wine
9.Journal
10.Buy expensive things
11.MAC
12.hike
13.camp
14.smile
15.very overwhelming
Laid out the "yet" note for Shane
5/20/10
The steps of addiction
What are my addictions
Wat are these addictions covering for?
How are these addictions affecting my life?
3 Rules of a broken home -
1. Don't trust
2. Don't talk
3. Don't feel
We use these so we don't feel
5/21/10
Balanced living grid -
1.Relationship with Adrianna
2.Relationship with Seth
3.Spirituality
4.Gardening/Yard Work
5.School
6.Culture
7.Gym
8.Romance
9.Me
avoid the ALL OR NOTHING mentality
Do you like yourself?
"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! Take me... or leave me. Accept me or walk away... If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad, you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you." Stacey Charter
(My response to this proclamation)
I do agree, however it is much easier said than done. My standing up and shouting consists of defensive reactions. But, I can't say, "See me! For me!" I feel like shit these days. I'm not moving forward. I'm in darkness and I'm SO lost. I'm telling people to leave me, but hoping they'll take me. But they never do. I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to decide that I need a change or strong enough to start a change, let alone love myself.
Define emptiness
Externalize and name the infidelity.
Stop calling myself the issue - I'm not a whore, I'm not bipolar, I struggle with bipolar and infidelity.
Still need to make my accomplishment file.
5/25/10
A day in the life of a friend....
I often question my value as a wife because of my husband's addiction. I'm sure he loves me, but why can't I live up to his demands for sex. I wish I wanted it more, but it has become a chore, much like that of dish washing or dusting. It needs done, more frequently than I do it, but I don't don't want to!
I've lost touch with myself and being a beautiful woman. I struggle with feeling pretty and confident when I'm being controlled in all I do. I long for the confidence and sense of beauty I used to have when I would dress up and wear my make up.
I struggle with getting out of bed and having a purpose with life. Sometimes I think is too much. I keep setting myself up for failure with the men I choose. I see the pattern, but just can't seem to pull out of this cycle. I'm afraid this is the best I can do, that no one else would want me with my depression issues.
I'm so confused with my next twist in my journey. I think that I know what to do, but I'm so afraid of doing that. By staying with my husband I have somewhat of a financial security... At least I'll have money to spend. If I leave him, I'll struggle and have to go on welfare. I don't want to go there!!! So, I give up happiness for a false sense of security or risk possible financial failure to work on improving me and navigating the road to happiness as a whole, healthy individual.
Self Esteem -
10 Positive Affirmations
1.Intuitive
2.Educated
3.Caring
4.Good Cook
5.Loving
6.Nurturing Mommy
7.Can Read and Write
8.Humorous
9.Magnetic Personality
10.Good Listener
10 Achievements
1.Went back to school
2.Had a son
3.Had a daughter
4.Made my son smile
5.Made a new friend
6.Gave someone comfort/solace
7.Showered and dressed
8.Planted a Garden
9.Made a fire pit
10.Witnessed my friend's water birth
10 Positives about your body (Love your body)
1.Big boobs
2.Strong calves
3.Shapely thighs
4.Hazel eyes
5.Lips
6.Hair color
7.Small wrists
8.Smallish ankles
9.Ten toes
10.Ten fingers
Practice saying NO
Set my own standards and stick to them
Be healthy.
5-27-10
I need a plan!
P90x for weight loss
1st time I felt optimistic. There may be hope for me. I've moved from self hate to self identity.
I wish I could cry like others. I still fight the tears when I feel them coming on.
I do not have to identify myself with my past actions. I have many great attributes. Caring, educated, innovative, fighter, determined, human, mother, sensitive, I've made mistakes, but I'm learning from them. A crisis can be the best opportunity for growth.
Hi! My name is Jamie and I HAVE bipolar.
On April 24th, he admitted me to the hospital under a suicidal watch. I spent 48 hours in that hell, but they put me on medication, and I was set to followup with my personal psychologist the following Monday. Wednesday, May 5, 2010, I started attending an intensive partial hospitalization therapy program. The following entries are different exercises and notes from my days spent in there until today. From this point on, I will log entries separately, on a daily basis.
May 11, 2010 (we had to make a story utilizing key phrases)
Laying in my cozy bed, pondering the worth of my life, I hear the gentle scratching of "the tree branches outside the window." My husband is staring at me questioningly with "big, sad eyes," to which I brutally reply, 'No, I will not write about your penis.' I think back to the days of summer spent with the family I loved so dear. In an effort to win the love of my father, I planned a family camping trip . After much investment and collaboration the event was in place. We spent nights sitting around the bonfire. The magic of the fire enticed all who watched it take like, as it was "dancing with the hot crackling flames." Tina's soul lit up with passion, much like that of "the child's hidden smile" when afraid to reveal joy for it might be stolen. I thought I was "like a butterfly, pinned to a display," hoping my father would love me, accept me. All the years of just like your mother, coursing through my veins. I entered that summer wanting my father's love, I ended that summer with a new best friend. I had gained a person in whom I gave all my trust, all my secrets. My hopes and dreams laid in her hands. After that summer I had gained a person who saw through the lies and facade, and loved who I was. She made me feel better about my dad's feelings for me. I eagerly looked to the start of the next summer; another season spent with family and enjoying life.... Unfortunately this summer was met with her departure from life. I miss everyday without her chats and gruff laugh.
(I cried when I read this to the others)
Nooma. com (rob bell videos)
Luggage -
I will not let what others did to me, determine who I am as a person.
The baggage makes your journey harder
Balance Living Grid - make a grid of 9 squares of what needs attention in your life and how are you going to give that time.
School - 1 hour every other night
Romance - date night every other weekend
Exercise - walk 5 nights a week, start the gym 3x a week
Family-weekend activities
Fun -
Garden - weed small sections at a time
Me -
Culture - visit something 1x a month
House - deep clean 1x biweekly
5-12-10
So sleepy!!! It is only death which is hopeless
Journal about suicide video -
During the video, I found myself relating to the lady who kept rationalizing her worthlessness as a mother. I often feel like my emotional issues do more harm to my children then good. It would set them free of my baggage if I were not around.
I thought about the emotional state of my daughter. Have I ever put too much pressure on her where she felt the need to escape. It breaks my heart to even consider the impact of her committing suicide on my life, on the life of our family. She has so much of me coursing through her veins, as I do with my own mother. I hope the cycle breaks.
Then I think about Mike's suicide. I remember how it killed my mom. She never got over that void in her life.
Where am I now?
5-13-10
I'm starting to wonder if this is a waste of time... Am I ever going to feel better?
10 Things that are important to me
1.My son
2.My daughter
3.My laptop
4.My cellphone
5.My garden
6.My husband
7.My education
8.My cat
9.My occasional chair
10.My memories
5 Positive Affirmations
1.Sense of Humor
2.Smart
3.Dedicated/Focused
4.Gardener
5.Mediocre Driver
5-16-10 (I went to church for the first time in 10+ years)
*Happy Birthday Tina*
"God's highest priority in creation is the family." - Pastor Jeanette
"The little foxes spoil the vineyard."
Ephesians 4-6
1. Mutual, genuine respect and value for each member, "tell me more about that," when you disagree.
speak to a person based on and addressing those needs
2. Biblical Submission. The church is strong, a leader. Respect our husband's needs, that I'm one with him.
3. For husbands to have a godly love for their wives, love your wife all day long.
5-18-10
Grief
Men Women
don't cry cries (sad)
vengeful bitch (anger)
anger sad (safe feeling)
1.Denial/Shock/Disbelief
2.Bargaining
3.Guilt/Shame/Self Blame
4.Anger (men)/Depression (women)
5.Acceptance/Forgiveness
You can go back to other stages - something can trigger a relapse
Unresolved grief accumulates.
Journal the earliest time getting hurt.
"It's difficult to think back to the earliest recollection of getting hurt... Wow, I think my whole childhood was full of pain. I'm assuming my feelings of abandonment are due to my father's incarceration when I was about 3. He was put in prison in Texas for drug trafficking with the intent to distribute. I don't remember the bust, nor do I remember him going to prison... I just remember shortly after talking to him on the phone back home in Indiana. He was my world back then; I was definitely a daddy's girl to the core. Sigh, but he was gone, for a long time. He wasn't there to protect me from my grandpa's roaming hands. He wasn't there to prevent me from witnessing my mom's fiance's suicide. He wasn't there to save her from being murdered. Instead, when he was around, he was evil. He beat her and yelled. He scared me to the core. He came home a different daddy. He came home a stranger. I didn't love him anymore."
Grief - Loss -
sadness home
anger family
bargaining hopes
denial dreams
journal writing car
hate job
bitterness etc
self medication
etc
Advised to start an accomplishment file - write down daily accomplishments.
5/19/10
I lost myself
have I outgrown Shane?
Watching the flag wave, I start thinking, "should I move on?"
Indiana flag, ascension flag, US flag
Is it Just me??
15 things I do to impress
1.Shower
2.Dress
3.Cook Food
4.Joke
5.Do well in class
6.Post random philosophical quotes on facebook
7.Facebook fan pages
8.Drink Wine
9.Journal
10.Buy expensive things
11.MAC
12.hike
13.camp
14.smile
15.very overwhelming
Laid out the "yet" note for Shane
5/20/10
The steps of addiction
What are my addictions
Wat are these addictions covering for?
How are these addictions affecting my life?
3 Rules of a broken home -
1. Don't trust
2. Don't talk
3. Don't feel
We use these so we don't feel
5/21/10
Balanced living grid -
1.Relationship with Adrianna
2.Relationship with Seth
3.Spirituality
4.Gardening/Yard Work
5.School
6.Culture
7.Gym
8.Romance
9.Me
avoid the ALL OR NOTHING mentality
Do you like yourself?
"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! Take me... or leave me. Accept me or walk away... If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad, you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you." Stacey Charter
(My response to this proclamation)
I do agree, however it is much easier said than done. My standing up and shouting consists of defensive reactions. But, I can't say, "See me! For me!" I feel like shit these days. I'm not moving forward. I'm in darkness and I'm SO lost. I'm telling people to leave me, but hoping they'll take me. But they never do. I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to decide that I need a change or strong enough to start a change, let alone love myself.
Define emptiness
Externalize and name the infidelity.
Stop calling myself the issue - I'm not a whore, I'm not bipolar, I struggle with bipolar and infidelity.
Still need to make my accomplishment file.
5/25/10
A day in the life of a friend....
I often question my value as a wife because of my husband's addiction. I'm sure he loves me, but why can't I live up to his demands for sex. I wish I wanted it more, but it has become a chore, much like that of dish washing or dusting. It needs done, more frequently than I do it, but I don't don't want to!
I've lost touch with myself and being a beautiful woman. I struggle with feeling pretty and confident when I'm being controlled in all I do. I long for the confidence and sense of beauty I used to have when I would dress up and wear my make up.
I struggle with getting out of bed and having a purpose with life. Sometimes I think is too much. I keep setting myself up for failure with the men I choose. I see the pattern, but just can't seem to pull out of this cycle. I'm afraid this is the best I can do, that no one else would want me with my depression issues.
I'm so confused with my next twist in my journey. I think that I know what to do, but I'm so afraid of doing that. By staying with my husband I have somewhat of a financial security... At least I'll have money to spend. If I leave him, I'll struggle and have to go on welfare. I don't want to go there!!! So, I give up happiness for a false sense of security or risk possible financial failure to work on improving me and navigating the road to happiness as a whole, healthy individual.
Self Esteem -
10 Positive Affirmations
1.Intuitive
2.Educated
3.Caring
4.Good Cook
5.Loving
6.Nurturing Mommy
7.Can Read and Write
8.Humorous
9.Magnetic Personality
10.Good Listener
10 Achievements
1.Went back to school
2.Had a son
3.Had a daughter
4.Made my son smile
5.Made a new friend
6.Gave someone comfort/solace
7.Showered and dressed
8.Planted a Garden
9.Made a fire pit
10.Witnessed my friend's water birth
10 Positives about your body (Love your body)
1.Big boobs
2.Strong calves
3.Shapely thighs
4.Hazel eyes
5.Lips
6.Hair color
7.Small wrists
8.Smallish ankles
9.Ten toes
10.Ten fingers
Practice saying NO
Set my own standards and stick to them
Be healthy.
5-27-10
I need a plan!
P90x for weight loss
1st time I felt optimistic. There may be hope for me. I've moved from self hate to self identity.
I wish I could cry like others. I still fight the tears when I feel them coming on.
I do not have to identify myself with my past actions. I have many great attributes. Caring, educated, innovative, fighter, determined, human, mother, sensitive, I've made mistakes, but I'm learning from them. A crisis can be the best opportunity for growth.
Hi! My name is Jamie and I HAVE bipolar.
September 16, 2009
I'm feeling pretty awesome! I just bumped into a teacher (He's a stud!!) that said he turned in my paper last semester to a student writing board! Thanked me for a paper that made his job easy! I am smart and talented!
Two days later I forgot that feeling of achievement....
Determined to conquer Spanish. I can do it!
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission you give someone veto power over your life." Abet F. Geoffrey
"Everywhere man blames nature and fate, yet his fate is mostly the echo of his character and passions, his mistakes and weaknesses." - Democritus
Two days later I forgot that feeling of achievement....
Determined to conquer Spanish. I can do it!
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission you give someone veto power over your life." Abet F. Geoffrey
"Everywhere man blames nature and fate, yet his fate is mostly the echo of his character and passions, his mistakes and weaknesses." - Democritus
September 8, 2009
School is at full bore. I'm feeling a little stressed as I have really stretched myself thin and may be adding another obligation soon, but I keep telling myself to focus for just two more years.
I'm wondering if I'm living a lie. I always tell people how I'm so happy with my life. I want them to believe it, but do I?
I've been walking three miles a day and recently implemented jogging. It feels good to meet new goals, physically.
I'm excited about work on From The Well House.
Still faithful, with the exception of "virtual lovers." It's not cheating if you never touch, right?
I see Dr. Jatla tomorrow. Suck. I'll leave feeling like an idiot, I'm sure.
Feeling - disorganized, directionless, lazy
Thought - I'm a procrastinator, I feel like I don't know enough and I'm going to fail.
Rationale - Of course I'm only setting myself up for failure.
I'm wondering if I'm living a lie. I always tell people how I'm so happy with my life. I want them to believe it, but do I?
I've been walking three miles a day and recently implemented jogging. It feels good to meet new goals, physically.
I'm excited about work on From The Well House.
Still faithful, with the exception of "virtual lovers." It's not cheating if you never touch, right?
I see Dr. Jatla tomorrow. Suck. I'll leave feeling like an idiot, I'm sure.
Feeling - disorganized, directionless, lazy
Thought - I'm a procrastinator, I feel like I don't know enough and I'm going to fail.
Rationale - Of course I'm only setting myself up for failure.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
September 3, 2009
I'm still antsy. Sitting at work, desiring attention from ANYONE.... I ran out of options now my mind keeps wondering if people are in bed. Oh these overnights are hell. FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS! I can make it through this. The future holds amazing things!
I act my worst when I'm lonely, tired... I'm both. It's a good thing no one is around. I don't think I'd make the best choice right now.
Why am I not good enough for them? Why do they always call me and then go home to their wives?
Only three hours left; just read and then go home... but I keep looking at my cell.
I just need sleep.
I act my worst when I'm lonely, tired... I'm both. It's a good thing no one is around. I don't think I'd make the best choice right now.
Why am I not good enough for them? Why do they always call me and then go home to their wives?
Only three hours left; just read and then go home... but I keep looking at my cell.
I just need sleep.
September 2, 2009
I'm still stressed. I had a melt down on September 1, 2009. I need some alone time. There are too many people with too many demands.
August 31, 2009
I'm feeling distracted, agitated, sleepy... A little off today. A little binge eating. I'm starting to feel antsy, just not sure what is different today. I'm extremely tired. It's only 3 and if I wasn't working I'd go to bed now.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
August 30, 2009
This is an argument that started because I had a tax file out and he just puts it up in the closet, instead of the file cabinet. We were on the phone and I hung up. It then became a text argument.
Me - Sometimes I hate you so much. I relish in the fact that one day I'll graduate and be able to get a job to support my kids and I won't have to depend on you anymore.
Him - So that's what you're working toward
Me - You betcha. Have a good life without me. Your ass will have to figure out what it takes to manage a house because you've never helped me with it.
I have to hold your damn hand in everything.
You just live in oblivion when it comes to the house. Hell you can't even seem to put a dinner together without asking me what to make.
It doesn't matter what I ask of you, you're determined to do it from your chair. "Make sure Seth wipes his stuff off." "He said he did it."
"Can you get gas for my van?" So, you wait till right before I leave. God forbid Shane be a little proactive and do something in advance. Oh hell no. It's all on Shane's time. When Shane feels like it.
I can't deal with being married to a kid.
Maybe someone else will be able to get you to motivate and bring those traits to the table. I sure as hell have never gotten that from you.
If you don't want tot do something or don't feel like doing it, then it isn't going to get done.
Lord you couldn't even read the folder. Hell you know all the files are in the draw.
But what the fuck ever. That's Shane. I just need to deal with it. Accept it. Well let me tell you this bit of honesty. I will only deal with it for as long as I have to. If I get a bonafide opportunity, I'm out.
So, here's the spell I give you... "I'm sorry for being such a bitch. I'm just stressed with school starting up and the kids in these activities. I shouldn't have left that folder there. I'll take care of it when I get home. I love you honey. I'm sure you're tired and I know you have a headache. Get some sleep and I'll see you in the morning.
Him - I just thought you needed it out. I guess our relationship is all lies then. Good night then.
Me - Good night honey. Love you.
Him - Ok
I hope the rest of your night goes better
Goodnight
Me - I'm sure it will. Tell your girlfriend I said good night.
Him - Girlfriend?
Me - I figured something must keep you busy cause it sure isn't out house.
Goodnight
Him - Ok then. Goodnight.
Me - Sometimes I hate you so much. I relish in the fact that one day I'll graduate and be able to get a job to support my kids and I won't have to depend on you anymore.
Him - So that's what you're working toward
Me - You betcha. Have a good life without me. Your ass will have to figure out what it takes to manage a house because you've never helped me with it.
I have to hold your damn hand in everything.
You just live in oblivion when it comes to the house. Hell you can't even seem to put a dinner together without asking me what to make.
It doesn't matter what I ask of you, you're determined to do it from your chair. "Make sure Seth wipes his stuff off." "He said he did it."
"Can you get gas for my van?" So, you wait till right before I leave. God forbid Shane be a little proactive and do something in advance. Oh hell no. It's all on Shane's time. When Shane feels like it.
I can't deal with being married to a kid.
Maybe someone else will be able to get you to motivate and bring those traits to the table. I sure as hell have never gotten that from you.
If you don't want tot do something or don't feel like doing it, then it isn't going to get done.
Lord you couldn't even read the folder. Hell you know all the files are in the draw.
But what the fuck ever. That's Shane. I just need to deal with it. Accept it. Well let me tell you this bit of honesty. I will only deal with it for as long as I have to. If I get a bonafide opportunity, I'm out.
So, here's the spell I give you... "I'm sorry for being such a bitch. I'm just stressed with school starting up and the kids in these activities. I shouldn't have left that folder there. I'll take care of it when I get home. I love you honey. I'm sure you're tired and I know you have a headache. Get some sleep and I'll see you in the morning.
Him - I just thought you needed it out. I guess our relationship is all lies then. Good night then.
Me - Good night honey. Love you.
Him - Ok
I hope the rest of your night goes better
Goodnight
Me - I'm sure it will. Tell your girlfriend I said good night.
Him - Girlfriend?
Me - I figured something must keep you busy cause it sure isn't out house.
Goodnight
Him - Ok then. Goodnight.
August 29, 2009
What if I'm not bipolar, but just random? What happens to a normal person who is taking lithium?
So, I think I am on track, maybe not with my marriage or finances, but I'm balancing school, work, 2 extra curriculars and my kids. Seth has his football and Adrianna has basketball (girl scouts is on hold until basketball is over). She is involved in her school. I joined the PTO, for a first! :) Socially I am more comfortable with people. School wise, I am trying to become more involved there. I really want to get myself networked out so that I can have strong references. I have two good ones so far... the owner of Wendy's of Kokomo and their director of operations. So far, week one of school, homework isn't overwhelming, so things are looking good.
My area of weakness? Lately I have spent a ton of money - WAY too much. But, I'll bounce back, I always do. I've been talking to people I shouldn't. I have not been avoiding people who could lead me "into temptation," the talk is definitely not pure either.... On the positive side, I have not had sex with anyone. It's just talk... so it's not really cheating. I've been very hateful and angry with Shane. More and more I struggle with the idea that I could be bipolar. Maybe I just wasn't handling stress well, maybe random moods... I am a woman, after all.
IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR HIM! I MANAGE EVERYTHING WITH OUT HOME AND IT'S STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I HATE HIM!!! AS SOON AS I GET A BETTER JOB, HE'S OUT!!!
So, I think I am on track, maybe not with my marriage or finances, but I'm balancing school, work, 2 extra curriculars and my kids. Seth has his football and Adrianna has basketball (girl scouts is on hold until basketball is over). She is involved in her school. I joined the PTO, for a first! :) Socially I am more comfortable with people. School wise, I am trying to become more involved there. I really want to get myself networked out so that I can have strong references. I have two good ones so far... the owner of Wendy's of Kokomo and their director of operations. So far, week one of school, homework isn't overwhelming, so things are looking good.
My area of weakness? Lately I have spent a ton of money - WAY too much. But, I'll bounce back, I always do. I've been talking to people I shouldn't. I have not been avoiding people who could lead me "into temptation," the talk is definitely not pure either.... On the positive side, I have not had sex with anyone. It's just talk... so it's not really cheating. I've been very hateful and angry with Shane. More and more I struggle with the idea that I could be bipolar. Maybe I just wasn't handling stress well, maybe random moods... I am a woman, after all.
IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR HIM! I MANAGE EVERYTHING WITH OUT HOME AND IT'S STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I HATE HIM!!! AS SOON AS I GET A BETTER JOB, HE'S OUT!!!
August 23, 2009
Feeling - disappointed
Thought - feeling like a fat cow
Rationale - weight fluctuates
The scales went up 2lb from yesterday, but later was just up 1lb. I weight myself several times a day to make sure I'm not eating too much.
Feeling - enraged, unappreciated, spiteful.
Thought - I hate him. I wish he would leave. I want to hurt him.
Rationale - I can't depend on someone else to take care of things, angry with myself for relying on him.
He doesn't seem like he has time for me. I asked him to vacuum the bedroom, I had cleaned it from top to bottom. He sits on the computer or in front of a TV. GRRRRR We had a huge argument, he called me a bipolar bitch, that he's tired of walking on eggshells, he wanted out.
Feeling - unwanted, lost
Thought - I feel so crappy about myself because no one ever wanted me
Rationale - I can't place my value on what others think
What's wrong with me? I think all the men in my life just want sex, except for dad and he just didn't want me at all. For so many people to not want me, there must be something disgusting about me.
Thought - feeling like a fat cow
Rationale - weight fluctuates
The scales went up 2lb from yesterday, but later was just up 1lb. I weight myself several times a day to make sure I'm not eating too much.
Feeling - enraged, unappreciated, spiteful.
Thought - I hate him. I wish he would leave. I want to hurt him.
Rationale - I can't depend on someone else to take care of things, angry with myself for relying on him.
He doesn't seem like he has time for me. I asked him to vacuum the bedroom, I had cleaned it from top to bottom. He sits on the computer or in front of a TV. GRRRRR We had a huge argument, he called me a bipolar bitch, that he's tired of walking on eggshells, he wanted out.
Feeling - unwanted, lost
Thought - I feel so crappy about myself because no one ever wanted me
Rationale - I can't place my value on what others think
What's wrong with me? I think all the men in my life just want sex, except for dad and he just didn't want me at all. For so many people to not want me, there must be something disgusting about me.
August 22, 2009
Day went too fast for thought/feelings. Football, shopping. Was awake for 30+ hours before sleeping, then only slept for 3 hours. Now I'm at work... Feeling sleepy.
August 21, 2009
I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE
Feeling - confused, frustrated, annoyed
Thought - I must be really crazy. Why can't I control this, make it better. I'm failing.
Rationale - I kno it can take a year to get meds right. It takes time. It will come, I hope.
Kim thinks I need to revisit Jatla. I must not be doing well... I feel like I'm on top of the world... Functional, efficient, competent.
Feeling - confused, insecure
Thought - I am lead him on. He keeps texting and I like the attention. Am I really the woman everyone hates? Stop it! Stop it! You'll always be a whore... don't fight it.
Rationale - I have to be stronger. Avoid it. He will never give me what I need.
He keeps making contact. I can't ignore him. But I joke and then tell him no. I shouldn't even text him back. I feel like I'm pulling back again.
Feeling - confused, frustrated, annoyed
Thought - I must be really crazy. Why can't I control this, make it better. I'm failing.
Rationale - I kno it can take a year to get meds right. It takes time. It will come, I hope.
Kim thinks I need to revisit Jatla. I must not be doing well... I feel like I'm on top of the world... Functional, efficient, competent.
Feeling - confused, insecure
Thought - I am lead him on. He keeps texting and I like the attention. Am I really the woman everyone hates? Stop it! Stop it! You'll always be a whore... don't fight it.
Rationale - I have to be stronger. Avoid it. He will never give me what I need.
He keeps making contact. I can't ignore him. But I joke and then tell him no. I shouldn't even text him back. I feel like I'm pulling back again.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Compliments
8-21-09
2 Clients told me I was pretty - lol. =)
ex told me I was hot. lol, he'll lie to get whatever he wants
8-22-09
Talking to girlfriend about weight loss and she said I was looking good.
8-23-09
Shane - You're beautiful. I love you
Arielle - sexy teacher with glasses, girl you're hot.
Shane - You make your glasses look good. (LMAO)
Adrian - It looks like you've lost weight.
Through the week, I've received several inappropriate compliments.
Am I empty... Just a shell?
Dow anyone see me for more than sex or boobs?
Will I ever count? Ever be a priority?
As I looked through these, I see the same pattern - compliments on m looks - Which I still don't believe - but I wonder if I am seeking these types of compliments... There are no compliments on my achievements or mental capabilities... Am I that shallow?
2 Clients told me I was pretty - lol. =)
ex told me I was hot. lol, he'll lie to get whatever he wants
8-22-09
Talking to girlfriend about weight loss and she said I was looking good.
8-23-09
Shane - You're beautiful. I love you
Arielle - sexy teacher with glasses, girl you're hot.
Shane - You make your glasses look good. (LMAO)
Adrian - It looks like you've lost weight.
Through the week, I've received several inappropriate compliments.
Am I empty... Just a shell?
Dow anyone see me for more than sex or boobs?
Will I ever count? Ever be a priority?
As I looked through these, I see the same pattern - compliments on m looks - Which I still don't believe - but I wonder if I am seeking these types of compliments... There are no compliments on my achievements or mental capabilities... Am I that shallow?
August 15, 2009
Feeling - defeated
Thought - Like no matter what, I'm not good enough, it's not good enough
Rationale - I am trying. It is hard. He doesn't know my relationship.
I made a comment about feeling lucky to have such a great family and Bob felt the need to make a sarcastic comment.
Feeling - relieved
Thought - I can stay strong. I think I can stay strong. I hope I can stay strong.
Rationale - He made the move o try to get me alone - I told him he had to behave, I didn't text again. He didn't show. I was unsure how I would have behaved with him.
Thought - Like no matter what, I'm not good enough, it's not good enough
Rationale - I am trying. It is hard. He doesn't know my relationship.
I made a comment about feeling lucky to have such a great family and Bob felt the need to make a sarcastic comment.
Feeling - relieved
Thought - I can stay strong. I think I can stay strong. I hope I can stay strong.
Rationale - He made the move o try to get me alone - I told him he had to behave, I didn't text again. He didn't show. I was unsure how I would have behaved with him.
August 14, 2009
Feeling like a cow today... Blah
Feelings - neglected, lonely, discouraged
Thoughts-I feel like leaving/quitting. I feel like it's not worth it. I'm not worth it.
Rationale - ?
I've wanted to talk to Shane all day, but when he was available, he wanted to watch TV, when was tired... Then at 2am he just didn't seem interested. Maybe I'm not interesting to him. I NEED ATTENTION! Ready to quit.
Feelings - neglected, lonely, discouraged
Thoughts-I feel like leaving/quitting. I feel like it's not worth it. I'm not worth it.
Rationale - ?
I've wanted to talk to Shane all day, but when he was available, he wanted to watch TV, when was tired... Then at 2am he just didn't seem interested. Maybe I'm not interesting to him. I NEED ATTENTION! Ready to quit.
August 13, 2009
Went school shopping today. Spent way too much. Quickly. Wow. Shane got pissed. But hell my check was 2x's his. Whatever. Left at 9:30am, didn't get home until 9:30pm. Very busy day!
August 12, 2009
Busy, busy, busy. Nonstop today. I prefer this type of day. Little time to stress, fight, think. Got my walk in today.
August 11, 2009
saw this driving today, "When things get hard I...?" My answer - quit and run... Complete shut down.
August 10, 2009
GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE! THE EARTH SAYS HELLO!!
Feeling pretty good. Things seem to be falling into place. The kids have activities and school again. My school starts soon, I will work less. Relationship good. I just need a nap...
Feeling pretty good. Things seem to be falling into place. The kids have activities and school again. My school starts soon, I will work less. Relationship good. I just need a nap...
August 8, 2009
Driving home from work at 6 am and realized I don't think about her so often. This makes me very sad. I wish she were here. I wish I could have done something, anything to help her. Now her 2 kids are down that same path and again I'm not doing anything....
I feel like today for the first time I realized that she's never coming back and my heart breaks all over again. I'm needing to hear her reassuring voice or the way she made me feel I could do anything... That I was pretty, smart, brave... And I will never have that again. It's just not fair. I hate life. I hate this world. I just wish it was over. On top of feeling alone again, in a month it will be 22 years since my mom died...
I feel like today for the first time I realized that she's never coming back and my heart breaks all over again. I'm needing to hear her reassuring voice or the way she made me feel I could do anything... That I was pretty, smart, brave... And I will never have that again. It's just not fair. I hate life. I hate this world. I just wish it was over. On top of feeling alone again, in a month it will be 22 years since my mom died...
August 7, 2009
Tired, but not so angry. Excited that school is coming up. Nervous about moving. Nervous we can't afford it. Stressed to the max about where we are living. Happy with Shane for today :) . Wondering if I'm stretching myself too far. .. A lot of obligations set. Tired already. "It won't last forever..."
August 3, 2009
Frustrated. Overeating. Laxatives. Lost. Tired of Life. Wondering why it never seems to make sense. Torn between what to do for my brother and sister and what's best for my family. "It won't last forever," seems like such a lie. So far it has lasted almost 30 years. I ruined his life and he's made me pay for it every day.
August 1, 2009
Done, sad, angry. Dad justifies drug use. I hate him. I wish he would have died instead of Tina. All he has ever done is screw up the lives of all his children. His drugs will always rank higher than us. He is scum.
July 31, 2009
Asked my brother Jeff about kids drug use. He overlooks question and changed subject. I'm so pissed and disappointed with him.
I need someone to talk to! I don't know what to do. I'm so panicky. How can I help these kids.
Turned down the first guy. The first attempt he kept joking through each denial. Eventually he stopped texting. Very proud, happy and triumphant.
Psychiatrist appointment. I feel like he dismissed my concerns or issues... Like I'm taking them out of proportion. I feel like he thinks I just want meds. I don't I just want to be normal. Or maybe he just thinks I'm just a bad person... I don't like him.
I need someone to talk to! I don't know what to do. I'm so panicky. How can I help these kids.
Turned down the first guy. The first attempt he kept joking through each denial. Eventually he stopped texting. Very proud, happy and triumphant.
Psychiatrist appointment. I feel like he dismissed my concerns or issues... Like I'm taking them out of proportion. I feel like he thinks I just want meds. I don't I just want to be normal. Or maybe he just thinks I'm just a bad person... I don't like him.
July 30, 2009
4am - I am goin on no sleep, abou to go on a boating trip, excited, but apprehensive. Shane got upset w/ me rushing them, saying "We're not all bipolar and can stay up all night." Hurt, sad, defeated. I will never be good enough. Even wen I try, it doesn't work.
Later he sucks, but I don't give in his apologies. He always finds new ways to hurt me.
After the trip, dad drives off the road on his way home. Later I find out that it was because he and Jeff were smoking pot and he handed his stash to my 14 year old sister to hold. I'm PISSED!!!
Justina tells me that her and Job get high with dad. I'm so overwhelmed, confused, pissed, hurt, sad, DEVASTATED.
Later he sucks, but I don't give in his apologies. He always finds new ways to hurt me.
After the trip, dad drives off the road on his way home. Later I find out that it was because he and Jeff were smoking pot and he handed his stash to my 14 year old sister to hold. I'm PISSED!!!
Justina tells me that her and Job get high with dad. I'm so overwhelmed, confused, pissed, hurt, sad, DEVASTATED.
July 29, 2009
Getting focus back, now so panicky or out of control. Still functioning on limited sleep with some difficulty - basically driving is hard. Still feeling fidgety, but it is so unbearable. Some impulsive eating. Not feeling much tonight, boredom, still ready for a break. Wish everything would disappear. Ready for school to be done... Not looking forward to going back. Ready to quit. Just wanna sleep. I feel like I'm putting on a play, pretending to everyone that everything is good, positive... inside I'm twisted. I can pull it together. I have to.
July 25, 2009
Angry, frustrated, irate, sad, crying, stressed, overwhelmed, want to run away, sleep forever, panicky, lonely, fat, ugly, FLIGHT-----> Shane went to his family's... our house is not clean, I have to work, he's out having a good time, calling into work... I can't seem to control my emotions. I feel like my chest is going to explode. I wanna run, but no where to go.
July 23, 2009
Flirty, feisty, desired, shaky, ashamed, questioning.
I texted him. Very suggestive, witty text. Testing boundaries. I know I should say no, stop it, ignore it... But I can't. I'm drawn to it. Why do I let this determine how I feel about myself. Amy I using bipolar as an excuse to be unfaithful, to test those waters again? Will I ever be able to be in a faithful relationship? I destroy everything and I know it's wrong. I just can't stop. It's like a high, it makes me feel good, I breath in deep and feel numb. (Stupid hand tremors.... I struggle to write.)
I texted him. Very suggestive, witty text. Testing boundaries. I know I should say no, stop it, ignore it... But I can't. I'm drawn to it. Why do I let this determine how I feel about myself. Amy I using bipolar as an excuse to be unfaithful, to test those waters again? Will I ever be able to be in a faithful relationship? I destroy everything and I know it's wrong. I just can't stop. It's like a high, it makes me feel good, I breath in deep and feel numb. (Stupid hand tremors.... I struggle to write.)
July 22, 2009
Frustrated, shaky, nervous, antsy, fidgety
Can't sleep, lay there feeling like I'm about to crawl out of my skin, body is shaking. I've slept less than 10 hours over 72 hours.
Can't stop craving attention. Talk to a third guy, all sex talk. Shaking. When texting it feels rushed and nervous. Feeling like a whore. I know I shouldn't talk to him. I don't even like him, but he's telling me he wants me, telling me I'm sexy, misses me from before, how I turn him on. I'm a horrible person.
Excited - the second guy texted and talked for awhile. Felt wanted again. Confused. Why am I doing this again????
Guilty, confused, sad, disappointed. I have to stop this before it gets out of hand. I'm back in a hole of wanting to drink and party. I have to refocus. I know I should just stifle and live my life with Shane. I can't keep doing this. Keep going in these circles. These other men will never leave their wives, they will never want me completely. I'm nothing. I'm a whore. I don't deserve to be happy. I only bring deceit and pain to people. I wish I could go to sleep and just not wake up.
Why can't they love me??
Can't sleep, lay there feeling like I'm about to crawl out of my skin, body is shaking. I've slept less than 10 hours over 72 hours.
Can't stop craving attention. Talk to a third guy, all sex talk. Shaking. When texting it feels rushed and nervous. Feeling like a whore. I know I shouldn't talk to him. I don't even like him, but he's telling me he wants me, telling me I'm sexy, misses me from before, how I turn him on. I'm a horrible person.
Excited - the second guy texted and talked for awhile. Felt wanted again. Confused. Why am I doing this again????
Guilty, confused, sad, disappointed. I have to stop this before it gets out of hand. I'm back in a hole of wanting to drink and party. I have to refocus. I know I should just stifle and live my life with Shane. I can't keep doing this. Keep going in these circles. These other men will never leave their wives, they will never want me completely. I'm nothing. I'm a whore. I don't deserve to be happy. I only bring deceit and pain to people. I wish I could go to sleep and just not wake up.
Why can't they love me??
July 21, 2009
Desiring more from life, feeling distant, frustrated, ALONE, unimportant, disgusted...
Trying to discuss a potential move. Apartment too small, cluttered, trapped. We can't talk, no communication. Both of us just got pissed and shut down.
Disappointed, rejected, ugly, pathetic, confused.
The person attracted to me was going to text, but didn't. Why do I want to even hear from him?
Trying to discuss a potential move. Apartment too small, cluttered, trapped. We can't talk, no communication. Both of us just got pissed and shut down.
Disappointed, rejected, ugly, pathetic, confused.
The person attracted to me was going to text, but didn't. Why do I want to even hear from him?
July 20, 2009
I've lost 20 pounds! I'm feeling pretty confident and prettier.
Sexy, attractive, confused, contemplative
What is really best for me? Am I really happy? I was propositioned by an old coworker. Why does this always happen to me. Do I exhibit a whore-type of personality? They never want me, just the sex.
Sexy, attractive, confused, contemplative
What is really best for me? Am I really happy? I was propositioned by an old coworker. Why does this always happen to me. Do I exhibit a whore-type of personality? They never want me, just the sex.
July 19, 2009
I'm feeling pissed, disgusted, betrayed, ALONE, validated, vengeful....
I was so frustrated that his sisters were so two-faced. I tried to talk to Shane, but he wasn't interested. He said I was bitching. It makes me feel so validated for being excited about getting hit on and I want him to hurt.
I'm feeling frustrated, uncompassionate, intolerant, distant...
He tries to act like nothing happened, like he didn't do anything and I have no reason to be upset. I'm not going to pretend that he isn't an anss. he says he will always be there, but never is. he only wants to be there for the positive.
I was so frustrated that his sisters were so two-faced. I tried to talk to Shane, but he wasn't interested. He said I was bitching. It makes me feel so validated for being excited about getting hit on and I want him to hurt.
I'm feeling frustrated, uncompassionate, intolerant, distant...
He tries to act like nothing happened, like he didn't do anything and I have no reason to be upset. I'm not going to pretend that he isn't an anss. he says he will always be there, but never is. he only wants to be there for the positive.
July 18, 2009
I am feeling flattered, pretty, guilty, confused, excited by being hit on by a familiar person. How do I become strong enough to say no? Why do I suck?
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