Lacking in accountability

Hhhhmmmm... So, I took a step forward to be the bigger person and I apologized to a girl that I couldn't care less if she were alive or dead. I don't think I apologized because I felt any sense of remorse, but rather because it was probably the right thing to do. I say probably because it started as a misunderstanding, then her ignorant self posts all kinds of crap about me on a social website. Blah oh how freaking trailer park trash.... "let's get all huffy and puffy and call me a bitch" LOL! As if Bitch is the worst thing in the world to be called... Oh wait I forgot, I'm a whore and drama queen. Blah... She is just sickening to me. I was once told (who am I kidding, I've been told several times), when you point one finger, you still have 3 others pointing back at you. So, while she is ranting and raving, which she really has little reason to, she is just making herself look like an idiot. It was nice that Shane went to bat for me this time. He usually sits back and lets me fight my fights, but this time he really defended me. He is amazing sometimes. But, at this time, I hope to close that chapter of my life. I am so obsessive that it is hard to not come back at this girl, but I know that it is not healthy. So, here we go... Bye bye to you and your low class behavior.

I'm still taking my medications like I'm supposed to, but I really do not like them at all; I gag and get all sick feeling when I have to take them. I don't know when this is going to pass.

I'm really happy in my relationship right now. This is a first with me as I have never felt like I deserved to be happy. I think for the longest time I have sabotaged my relationships, without even realizing it. On the downside, it seems the happier I am, the more he tries to argue and fight with me. I don't understand why we never seem to be on the same page.

I am still really stressed about everything. I feel horrible because it comes out on everyone around me. I'm not sure if I'm still struggling with Tina's death; it has been almost a month now. Wow, I can't believe she has been gone for that long. Next week will be a month. I still miss her so much. I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm really upset, except Shane.... But, he's generally the one who makes me unbearably upset, and therefore, I can't talk to him about that... He would never understand. Usually, I yell at him about the fact that the only person I had to talk to is dead now. Poor guy.

Well, I don't feel like anything in me is changing... or maybe I am not changing for the good. Shane says he sees changes, but I think it is just because now I'll apologize for everything. I try to pay attention to see if I talk rapidly still, but I usually forget to be aware of my rate of speech.

I'm struggling with the shaking, I think due to the lithium, so it is time to conclude this post. How nice to just be able to vent without regard to possible consequences.