You are not alone, but I feel oh so alone

While the world grieved for Micheal Jackson, I could not help but to feel angry. Just because he was the "King of Pop" he gets all kinds of publicity... But the truth is he was an addict just like Tina. What makes his overdose so newsworthy???? It's not like celebrities aren't known to snort half their money up their noses. It's so stupid, at least Tina didn't molest young boys and then pay their parents to keep it quiet. She deserved to be in the news.... "Young mother/grandmother dies from overdose. The lives of her children will never be able to fill the void she left." But no, because Tina had so little money and because her death was an overdose, whether or not she meant to OD is irrelevant, therefore voiding her small accidental death policy of $4,000, she only got the free obituary... The one that only says her name and date, time and location of her service. She deserved so much more. And now here is Micheal, even outshining the death of Farrah Faucett who struggled to fight cancer till the end. It is so frustrating. As Malcom X so honestly put it, "The media is the most powerful entity on earth. They have the power to make the innocent guilty and to make the guilty innocent, and that's power. Because they control the minds of the masses."

The day after his death, the radio was riddled with his music, yes he was a talented artist, and I'm driving and his song "You are not alone" comes on... And as I listen to the words, feeling oh so alone since she died, I start crying.... Here I am driving down 31 S, wiping away the streaming tears, and this isn't a graceful cry, it is a sob. I hate that it is taking me so long to stop hurting. I should be able to move on now... But I keep looking at my phone, wishing for just one more phone call... Just one more time to say, I love you, goodnight. But, I was always in such a hurry, so I didn't get that extra phone call.

Lacking in accountability

Hhhhmmmm... So, I took a step forward to be the bigger person and I apologized to a girl that I couldn't care less if she were alive or dead. I don't think I apologized because I felt any sense of remorse, but rather because it was probably the right thing to do. I say probably because it started as a misunderstanding, then her ignorant self posts all kinds of crap about me on a social website. Blah oh how freaking trailer park trash.... "let's get all huffy and puffy and call me a bitch" LOL! As if Bitch is the worst thing in the world to be called... Oh wait I forgot, I'm a whore and drama queen. Blah... She is just sickening to me. I was once told (who am I kidding, I've been told several times), when you point one finger, you still have 3 others pointing back at you. So, while she is ranting and raving, which she really has little reason to, she is just making herself look like an idiot. It was nice that Shane went to bat for me this time. He usually sits back and lets me fight my fights, but this time he really defended me. He is amazing sometimes. But, at this time, I hope to close that chapter of my life. I am so obsessive that it is hard to not come back at this girl, but I know that it is not healthy. So, here we go... Bye bye to you and your low class behavior.

I'm still taking my medications like I'm supposed to, but I really do not like them at all; I gag and get all sick feeling when I have to take them. I don't know when this is going to pass.

I'm really happy in my relationship right now. This is a first with me as I have never felt like I deserved to be happy. I think for the longest time I have sabotaged my relationships, without even realizing it. On the downside, it seems the happier I am, the more he tries to argue and fight with me. I don't understand why we never seem to be on the same page.

I am still really stressed about everything. I feel horrible because it comes out on everyone around me. I'm not sure if I'm still struggling with Tina's death; it has been almost a month now. Wow, I can't believe she has been gone for that long. Next week will be a month. I still miss her so much. I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm really upset, except Shane.... But, he's generally the one who makes me unbearably upset, and therefore, I can't talk to him about that... He would never understand. Usually, I yell at him about the fact that the only person I had to talk to is dead now. Poor guy.

Well, I don't feel like anything in me is changing... or maybe I am not changing for the good. Shane says he sees changes, but I think it is just because now I'll apologize for everything. I try to pay attention to see if I talk rapidly still, but I usually forget to be aware of my rate of speech.

I'm struggling with the shaking, I think due to the lithium, so it is time to conclude this post. How nice to just be able to vent without regard to possible consequences.

I've got your quiz

Can a quiz really establish how well a person knows someone? Ten simple questions later, I feel like a fool. How relevant is knowing what a person's favorite car is, when quite honestly I'm not sure what year my own car is. A car, in itself, does not make the man or woman, for that matter. Nor does a car reflect the person's core values, their innermost desires, their goals... Eleven years worth of a relationship forms enough bonds and memories to compensate for lacking the correct answer about a car or beer. Regardless of this questionaire, I know the person for their being, maybe I am missing some trivial tidbits of information, but it is this whole being that I love completely, not a car he may never buy.

I am struggling with feelings of guilt... I reflect upon the years I had with Tina, all 20 of them, and while the first 9 were part of my childhood, the last 11 were filled with a melting pot of emotions. I'm sad that I didn't take more time to get to know her. The last five years we started to get close, but in retrospect, I wonder if I have lived in a bubble of self-centered pity that I never gave her the opportunity to use me as a friend. She was the one person that I trusted with every aspect of my life, I knew I could tell her anything and it was safe... But did she feel the same with me? Was our relationship one-sided? Where is my quiz to determine how well I knew her? I don't think she really had a favorite car, except maybe that beat up old red pickup truck that she drove home from Florida. Favorite color? Blue, a soft blue. She was eclectic and saved everything everyone gave her. She couldn't bring herself to throw away her mom's stuff after she died. I still miss her so much. I keep thinking I'm getting over it, but here I am drowning on about it now, feeling that ever-so present lump in my throat start to swell...

Tit for tat

I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling today. Maybe jealousy, anger, disappointment.... The thing is, I told my husband for father's day that I wanted him to go on a fishing trip with his brother and best friend. I really do want him to enjoy his trip. However, the closer this event has come, the more upset I have been. This is due to several factors; 1-He didn't even get me a card for mother's day, 2-I'm the one working a ton of overtime, plus a second job, whereas some weeks he doesn't even work his regular 40, 3-I haven't been able to do anything fun this summer and now his ass is sitting in a hotel room, preparing to go out on a boat and enjoy a day on the lake. What am I going to be doing, while he is out fishing??? Oh, that's right, I'll be working another 16 hour shift. That's my life, a series of naps between work shifts.

I don't want to talk to him about this. I'm sure it's my own self-centered desires that are blinding me with my dis-satisfaction, and I don't think that's fair to him. I just don't understand why I always try to make sure he is happy with his gifts and he doesn't ever seem to put the same effort into my gifts. To be honest, it really is hurting my feelings that he didn't get me anything for Mother's day. I know I'm not his mother, but I am the mother to his children... He's not my father, but I want him to enjoy this fishing trip as his Father's day gift. Am I really not valued by him in the same manner that I value him?

I really should stop stressing it. It isn't worth the heart ache.

Yellow means caution

I am incredibly, utterly bored tonight. My day was busy as usual. I didn't sleep well last night, then I was up this morning to take Seth to daycare, followed by a few hours at my part time job, then off to Peru to finish all paperwork for the funeral, and then to dad's house to visit for a couple hours. After I left there, I had to pick up my nephews from my gramm's house and now I am sitting here, almost 10 at night, waiting to have dinner and watching Lion King with my nephews. I'm a little shakey, assumably because I haven't eaten since almost 2 and my sugar level is surely dropping. I could close my eyes and pass out, except for the two toddlers that are sitting here with me, wide awake.

Sometimes I just wish the world would slow down and let me breath, but in all reality I do this to myself.

I hate the world today

I turn my head and it feels as if it takes a moment for my eyes to catch up. It is just about the weirdest feeling. Also, when I'm driving, my eyes are wide open, taking in the surroundings, as if I'm planning my escape route. I'm sure it is the effects of the lithium... I'm not enjoying this at all.

Lately, I have felt just completely angry. I have contemplated certain actions directed at certain people, that really the world would probably not miss... I hate coming home, I hate going to work, I hate waking up.... I would prefer to fall asleep and just not wake up. I can't pull myself out of this and that pisses me off as well. GGRRR!!!! I hate feeling like I'm not in control! Shane is planning a weekend trip to Niagara Falls for us; I hope that helps wake me back up. He keeps asking me what is wrong, but I don't even know what is wrong. So, I tell him nothing. I'm afraid that since we have come so far and have gotten so close, I am just going to withdraw and mess it all back up. I don't know how long he can love someone who is this confused.

I'm terrified that I can't keep it all together right now. I know I'm panicking, but school is coming up in a couple months and with the way I feel right now, I don't think I can handle it. I am afraid that with this stupid med, I won't be able to balance as much as I am used to. I can't be sitting in class staring into space and expect to pass. It just won't happen. I don't have much more schooling left, I really just need to buckle down and finish. *SIGH*

Sometimes there just isn't anything to talk about

It's been a couple days since my last post... I've been struggling with staying focused on something to write. I don't think much out of the ordinary has been going on, but then again, I've been such a space cadet, I doubt I would notice if something had happened.

Well, I started this blog because I enjoy writing, but writing hasn't been such an interest to me lately... To be honest, not much of anything is interesting. I'm too tired to want to do extra activities. This summer has been a complete waste for me. Last summer we went camping with dad and Tina and now that she's gone, I just don't want to be sadden with the fact that she isn't with us.

I've also been working a lot of hours lately, partly to because I always like the extra money that overtime offers, but also because now I have to play catch up after all the money I spent covering the expenses of Tina's passing. I'm tired at work too. I just think I need some time away from everything for awhile.

I got teary eyed today... I heard a song that will forever be linked to her death and it instantly brought me to tears. I shouldn't be crying like that after two weeks. I have cried enough tears for her to cover a lifetime worth of death.

It's just me...... and the evil monkey in my closet

I'm looking for you everywhere I turn. I stared at the clouds my whole drive home this morning, looking for a sign. I thought I saw your face in the clouds and then later an eye, as if you were watching me, keeping me safe...


In the wee hours of the night, I sit here, rubbing away the hazy film that is forming over my eyes, wondering... well I don't know what I'm wondering... I try to think about how I'm feeling, but I don't have any feelings so to speak of. I feel tired; I'm ready for this long 16 hour shift to be over. I feel bored; there is never anything interesting to watch at 3 am on a Sunday morning. I of course, resort to the familiar sounds of AC360 and Larry King Live on my comfort channel of choice, CNN. I feel lazy, as I have an assortment of household chores that I need to finish before 6 am. But, in reflection these feelings are all physical, none of them are reflecting how I am feeling emotionally... I don't feel happiness, really what is there to be happy about? I'm not really feeling sadness nor am I depressed.

This self reflection leads me to a question presented during my psychologist appointment, in which I was asked how I had coped with all the crap in my life. I think the answer lies in the way I handle my life. I think I seemingly take an empty, lack of emotion approach to life. Every once and awhile I hit a bump that I didn't see coming or that I couldn't go around.... These metaphorical bumps can cause me much pain, but I soon hide that pain and move on, ignoring any reminder of that pain... Sometimes denying that there was any pain to begin with.

Wow, Paul Sr. quoted in his book that his whole childhood set him up to be in jail or a failure... Is he my brother? LOL

So, back to the emotional part of me... I guess if stress is considered an emotion, I've got that one covered. I am extremely tired of living in my small apartment, while it was sufficient when I was minus one husband, once he was added back into the equation, so was his bulky furniture and there is just no room. I feel like I'm being held prisoner in a cracker jack box, gasping for breath, begging to escape. The walls are closing in!

Irritation. I'm always irritated and it has recently found its way into my work. The ladies are driving me insane, with their constant chatter. My family is always irritating me, leaving messes, toying with my belongings, losing that one thing that of course I need at that very moment, breaking anything and everything in their way... Grr! I wish they would get their own home and leave me to my apartment.... They can take all the crap in the apartment with them.

And again, here I am, eyes heavy with fatigue, back aching from arthritis, procrastinating on the work that I so desperately need to finish.

Anyone bring the dip?

I've just been so tired and confused the past few days. I don't want to do anything other than lay in bed all day. Last summer, I was so active, going hiking and camping ever chance I got, but this summer, I just don't have the desire to walk out of my bedroom. Lately, I've been getting lost in the middle of conversation. I think I need a break for awhile.

I really have been working hard to make changes in my life and in my health. It's overwelming because it just doesn't ever seem like its enough. I will never be good enough.

Today just isn't a good day for me. I keep thinking, I wish it had been me instead of her. I would have gladly left. My life is this big production of trying to pretend everything is ok all the time, when really I feel so out of control. I just want to run away from it all; start new somewhere, with no responsiblity, no obligations, no one to let down. She loved life and her family.

And now, here I am, hosting my own big party of self pity, and feeling utterly and completely alone... Where's the chips and salsa?

Cherished Memories

*sigh* Well, it's been an exhausting week. Eight days ago I said goodbye for the last time to the woman who was my mom for 20 years. As, I think about that length of time, it seems like it should have lasted forever, but those 20 years really did fly by. It seems like just yesterday my dad was bringing her into our home for the first time. I sat there, nervous, stuttering "um" over and over as a thought filler trying to process this woman with her contagious laugh and addicting smile. That night I had no idea that my father would eventually marry her and ask her to fill the void my mother had left when she had died the few years before. The years of my childhood that followed were filled with many ups and downs. I used to count down the time until I turned the all elusive 18; that magic number of freedom.

I have many memories that will help bring me joy in celebrating her life. She was there for the birth of both my children... Oh how she loved children; her only desire in life was to be a mother and grandmother. Her last days were spent enjoying the company of family. We shared many a summer night, sitting around a bonfire, reflecting upon life and our purpose in it. My fondest and most cherished memories are the many phone calls we shared. I am saddened that I do not have even one voice recording of her to listen to on my drive home from work.

We buried this beautiful wife, mother of 8, grandmother of 7 today. And with tears streaming down my face, I said my final goodbye that led her to her final resting place. I hope that the sermon is right and she is alive again. Enjoying a pain free world, but taking time to check in on us once and awhile.

Final Flight

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free, I'm following the path God laid for me. I took his hand when I heard his call, I turned my back and left it all.I could not stay another day, To laugh, to love, to work, to play. Tasks left undone must stay that way, I've found that peace at the end of the day. If my parting has left a void, Then fill it with remembered joy. A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss, Ah, yes, these things too I will miss. Be not burdened with times of sorrow, I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow. My Life's been full, I savoured much, Good friends, good times, a loved one' touch. Perhaps my time seemed all too brief, Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.Lift up your heart and share with me, God wanted me now, He set me free.
(Unknown)


In Loving Memory of
Tina Lynn Huntsman
May 16, 1967 - June 3, 2009

Living life to the fullest...

Here it is Sunday, finally the end of one of the worst weeks I've had in my life. I can't say I'm coming to terms with her death... I don't know if I will ever be able to do that; but I'm not a bumbling mess of tears today. My father was not in the right state of mind to handle the funeral arrangements, so I had to plan her funeral. I was amazed at the charity in the hearts of the people who helped me with the proceedings. As my family was not able to afford the cost of a funeral, nor did they have an insurance policy, it was the contributions of this community that made it possible to respect the wishes of Tina and have an actual funeral for her, instead of the cremation that the state will pay for.

Planning her funeral has helped me cope with her loss... It has always been best for me to stay busy instead of wasting away dwelling over the unchangeables.

Its hard to be so hurt, but at the same time respect that other people are hurting in their own ways. I was often so angry that it seemed I was only one who was hurt by this. Some people treated this like a celebration... I wanted her life to be celebrated, I just didn't want them to celebrate. As I sat crying the other night, I knew she would have never wanted me to do that. She always cared so much about my health and stability. She knows how weak my mental state can be. At points I wanted to join her, my children will never know that they saved my life this week.

I have struggled with the concepts of the afterlife. It is hard to believe in a god that takes so much from his people. Even though I don't know whether to believe in heaven and hell, I sit here and pray that she is in heaven, holding her baby boy that she lost so many years ago, looking down at us, saying, "Don't cry, I'm so much better now and I'll see you again in time. Live your life to the fullest, as I learned to do and don't stress the small things, because in the end, all you need in life is love."

I wanna go home... I miss you, you know

As I laid here Wednesday, in my own party of self pity, my stepmom of 20 years laid dead on her living room couch, no one paying attention as if she were a fly on the wall. I'm enraged as I think about her lying there, dead at 4 in the afternoon, all alone in her world of pain. She's pain free now.

As I drove to her home, all around me the world continued to move. I wanted to scream at them that something horrible had just happened! Stop mowing your lawns and cry with me. But not one person realized that we had lost her.

I'm so lost without her. I could tell her anything and she would listen, not judging me, not trying to fix the world for me. She would offer me her ear, her shoulder to cry on. And now, I'm all alone, without my bestfriend. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I keep thinking, "just swallow it down, this too shall pass." But why the hell should it pass, why did she have to pass???? She was only 42, not 82; it wasn't her time. I hope she's safe and watching over us.

She would tell me not to cry, that I was strong enough, but I don't believe it. I don't think I can handle this. I miss her so much, and it hasn't even been 48 hours. I'll never hear her voice again or feel her supportive hug... I've lost my second mom. How does a person handle that? God, wasn't taking the first one good enough for you???? Didn't you fuck me up enough in childhood? Am I not allowed to have a mother in my life? Why do you hate me so? Can't I just live a happy life? I'm trying to be a good person and do the right things... It just isn't worth it. I wish I could have went with her. I don't want to be here anymore. I wanna go home too.....

Home - Michael Buble

Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris or Rome...
but I wanna go home...
uhm Home
may be surrounded by
a million people I
still feel all alone
just wanna go home
I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters
that I wrote to you,
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you?
I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane, another sunny place,
I'm lucky I know
but I wanna go home
I got to go home

Let me go home

I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living
someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream
but you always believed in me...

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
in either Paris or Rome
and I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
still feel alone
Let me go home
I miss you , you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
baby I'm done
I gotta go home

Let me go home
it'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home"

Some wait for Friday as a gateway to the weekend, I wait for Friday because it means I go back to work...

Here I am, on day two of my stretch of three days off. I have come to despise my time off... Time off for me means absolutely no productivity; I will lay in bed all day, to the point of not even showering. It even extends to irrational irritability at the suggestion to leave the house by my husband. As it was so today, I sulked in my bedroom pouting about having to get dressed to leave. As long as I stay busy with work or appointments, I am good; I can avoid these types of melt downs. Over the past two pays I have laid in here, obsessed over the Internet, bored to tears, waiting for Friday when I go back to work.

FMyLife - FML : Your everyday life stories.

FMyLife - FML : Your everyday life stories.

Focus on ME!

So, my husband says to me today, "For someone so concerned with people knowing you are bipolar, you sure are telling a lot of people."

Of course I was upset that he pointed this out to me... My fountain of too much information was over-flowing. It was as if he had announced to the world that my hair was thinning so much that my scalp was quite visible, which it is... But this is something that I didn't want nor need addressed.

Now, on to my hours of self reflection, because it is absolutely impossible for me to not obsess over this smack in the face revelation. I often attempt to analyze my wide range of behaviors, with the thoughts that understanding them can help me change them. Honestly though, this diarrhea of the mouth isn't a new development for me. Most people know far more about me then what I want them to; I have that tendency to speak without thought. This is something my dad tried to address as a child. He used to tell me, "Jamie, just stop and think for five seconds before talking." LOL, I never conquered that entirely, I guess except for my most recent issue with a particular inlaw. I paused several times, but it didn't help... I just couldn't stop myself from making it known my absolute detest for her.

And now, here I am, I have completely strayed off the subject that I felt so compelled to address. Why would I make it so public that I am facing a bipolar diagnosis? Hell, I started a public blog that revolves around it! I wonder if I was hoping that someone would care or maybe would be shocked that I, bouncy person of the year, was bipolar. But , I have only been greated with vague, empty responses; making it more and more clear that I may never find myself surrounded by the support that I constantly crave. Nothing will be enough to fill my emptiness... There will never be enough people to make me feel as if I count, as if I'm worthy of life itself. I can only conclude that I have a strange desire to be the center of attention, I crave the pity of having the worst life possible. It's as if the crappy hand I was dealt so young has to carry over to my adult being.

I once commented that I didn't think anyone would ever know the true me, not even myself... I feel this is more true now than ever.

Coming to terms with a diagnosis...

While, being diagnosed as bipolar recently was not as shocking as some would think, I still can not embrace the treatments that await me. For years, I have fought the ensuing battle against depression, to no avail. I was hospitalized at 12 for being severely depressed, however I deceived my way out of inpatient treatment and relied on a daily dose of antidepressants to fill the void in my soul. As an adult, I've had at least three doctors advise me of my bipolar tendencies. Regardless, even after much research and realizing that yes, I do have most of the symptoms associated with bipolar disorder, I still don't feel like I have a problem. I am addicted to this manic state of productivity and would rather take the ostrich in the sand approach.... "If I can't see it, it must not exist."

But, here I am, desperately wanting to make the changes in my life that may lead to the path of happiness. Within the next week, I will surely be under the influence of medication. I embark upon this with much apprehension. I fear the changes that my personality may endure.

I hope this newest venture will bring about the changes that I desperately need.