Letter 3 - Dear Shane (spouse)

Dear Shane,

I just want to start by saying that I've never loved anyone, the way that I love you. I don't think there are words to express how much I cherish you as my husband.

I know things started with an intense passion which led to our rocky struggles. You never cease to amaze me with your perseverance and dedication. Even when times have been at the worst imaginable, you have stayed by my side. You inspire me to continue working on who I am and who I want to be. To you, I give my heart, mind and soul... my all.

I hope for a future of wholeness, health, well being, and an immense joy. With you, I know that I will have the happiness I've longed for. You make me a better person!

I can't wait until we renew our vows on a sunny beach in California. I long to see your face as I devote myself to you and our family. We have such an amazing life together and some wonderful things to look forward to in our future.

I love you bunny, now and for all eternity!

Jamie

Letter 2 - Dear Stacy

Dear Stacy,

I miss you like crazy girl!

You know, our friendship is truly a blessing for me. I wish I would have been the strong friend you needed throughout the years. I thought of myself and no one else. As we both can see, that behavior really caught up to me. You amaze me for being able to stay around after all the bad I've done to all in my life. There are no words to explain how grateful I am to have a friend like you.

I hate being nearly across the country from you! However, I know that someday we will be reunited, either on earth or in heaven... But, hopefully on earth first, lol.

So, I was listening to the Sunday School lesson and they asked, if Jesus is the first man in your life. (I thought of you and your dedication when I heard this) I know that I am struggling with this. It is easy to put God aside, I think, as if it was a part of your life (like yoga), but not the full life.... making my husband and kids my full life. I have to work on this. It is still awkward for me, being a Christian again. I pray it gets more natural, it doesn't have to be easier... I would just like to be able to say "Jesus" without feeling strange.

You know just about everything there is to know about me. You've seen the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and you still support me. Just as I feel Tina's death was meant as a shock effect, something meant to get me on track. I think that night we met up on myspace again, after all those years, that was meant to put you back as a mentor for me... or maybe it was to benefit us both. Either way, I know God is working through those around me, to pull me back in. I have a purpose... still trying to fine tune it, but at least I'm not stuck in my rut anymore.

I wonder where this path is meant to take us. Wherever it is, I hope that you will still be by myside. You are the best friend that I have ever had. I love you bunches girlie!

Love,

Jamie

Letter 1 - Dear Adrianna

Dear Adrianna,

You are growing into such a beautiful lady. I am so proud to be your mother. I hope to instill in you a sense of pride and confidence, because while you are a beauty, this doesn't get you to a safe and fulfilling place in life. It's a joy to see how you grow and develop on a daily basis.

I often fear the impact I'm having on you as a mother. I know it must be difficult to have a mother with bipolar. My greatest fear is passing this disorder to you or your brother. While I feel it will be a blessing in disguise for me, it is still a daily struggle; a struggle that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm sorry for the way I am towards you and this family on occasion. When I'm in a mood, it isn't directed toward any of you.

I know you don't always understand the way things work or why things happen. Your grandma's death was such a hard experience for you. I'm glad to see that you are working through your feelings by writing. Writing and keeping a journal, I belief, is one of the best means of working through your emotions. You are such a talented writer at such a young age. It's amazing to see your determination to become a stronger writer. You will never cease to amaze me.

One thing I want you to walk away with is knowing that you have the ability to conquer the challenges that will be presented in the course of your life. You have so much of me in you and the women in this family are fighters. You've got this!

I love you and always will. You are my little princess no matter how old you get. <3


Love,

Your Mommy

Suicide Cry

This is my second post for today; not because I'm some new blogger and this excites me, but because on the drive home the suicidal thoughts popped back up. These 'personal death wishes' have plagued pretty heavily upon my mind as of late. All in all, however, I have personal death wishes on a daily basis. I'm constantly looking around to find my means of 'escape.'

Hmmmm, I don't think escape is the best way to look at this. I don't think about suicide, for the most part, as a means of escape from the world. Although, that is definitely the case for some of them. In reality, I consider suicide like the ultimate message. You write this goodbye letter followed by the ultimate act of seriousness. .. "See, I'm not bull shitting, I really do feel sorry, alone, hate, pain, etc..."

Which leads me to today... I'm driving home from an excruciating scenic dog walk, when I think about all the people I've hurt. I've destroyed lines of trust in multiple relationships, lost friendships that I had had for years, and now there is nothing I can do to show them how sorry I am... EXCEPT, if I ended my life because of my remorse. Then they'd finally believe me. They'd have to, right. Who would end their life to leave a lie as the message....

Sigh... I probably won't do it. I'm a chicken for one. But, besides the fear of pain and failing at suicide (that sucks), I love my babies too much to do it. If it wasn't for having them and a strong husband who doesn't need suicide to see my sorrow, self disappointment, and remorse, I know I wouldn't still be here. With them, I'm a stronger person, a better person, a striving person.

Maybe these other people will never see how the disorder has impacted me, negatively and positively, but the people that matter see me for who I am. I long for the day that I can walk away from my past and leave it lie... Until then, I'll continue to struggle, as all of my dear friends with bipolar do.

Introducing Bootsie

Well, I've taken myself off two meds, klonopin and abilify. My mood was elevated for awhile, but now it seems to be coming down. Most of this facebook stuff is just a chore. I'm read to sleep days away in my bed. I keep thinking I need a baby sitter for my kids so that they are being taken care of while I just sleep. I don't know how people make it through years of med changes and psychotherapy.... I'm ready to throw the towel in after just a few months.

I visit with people and mentally I'm begging to go home, while my shell seems so pleasant and happy. I feel like a fraud, a liar, just a pawn. However, this is the person that everyone likes. No one likes the Jamie that stays in bed, hates life, and wishes she could die.

A positive to my week.. I got a new puppy, named Bootsie. She makes me smile.....

"Our ACTIONS are the SPRING (WOW, powerful words) of our HAPPINESS or MISERY."
PHILIP SKELTON

I used to think, this guy must not know a thing about mental diseases... Try being bipolar for just a day and maybe he'd get it. But you know, as I sit here, withdrawing from the Abilify that I, yes I, decided to wean off of, I realize that I am taking actions that spring forth my happiness or misery.

Doctors seems to get paid a lot to listen very little. After walking away from a hopeful new doctor, I was told he'd rather I stay with my current dr. I don't see my psychiatrist for another month and I'm going through serious physical issues.... he's just that booked. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! What the hell does it take to get treated here? Hospitalization. I'm ready for that, again, ALREADY. Just SOMEONE to listen to me and help me figure this out. I don't want drugs. I don't want babied. I just want to feel better. Is that really that much to ask????

So, I decided, to start my own experiment. Maybe not the brightest idea, but it is going to have to work until I finally get help over the next few months. I say eff the medical field.