Good bye, my friend. In memory of Kevin Scott

I met Kevin during my summer spent in intensive therapy. From the beginning, there was a spark to him. He had a great sense of humor and an amazing way of caring for others... always trying to build them up. He never could see what a wonderful man he really was. After our time spent in group concluded, I didn't think I would ever hear from him again. You know how it goes, you make friends here and there and shed them just the same. Well, one day I receive a random text message from an unknown person, asking me how I was. Kevin had stayed connected to a mutual friend and asked her for my number. From there, we started to talk nearly everyday. I would wake up and there would be a text telling me good morning and telling me to get out of bed. We chatted about how he felt about himself and he would tease me about deflecting when it came to talking about me. Anytime I ever put myself down, he was there to scold me and pick me back up. Kevin told me that I was his best friend and to be honest, he was mine. I knew that I could say anything, even if it was for shock value, and he was always supportive. He threatened to kick my ass so many times for talking about how I just wanted to die. He'd get all pissy about me trying to bug him while he worked on building his new home. He'd tell me how he was gonna make me come out there and help him when it was freezing. LOL. We'd plan our great escape of running away together to avoid the pains of this world. He was my hero! I loved him so much for what he gave me through this summer. There are so many wonderful memories with him, I could go on forever.

So, Monday, after not hearing from him since Thursday, I sent him a text, teasing him about forgetting about his best friend. I had tried to contact him over the weekend, to no avail. When he responded, he told me that he had fallen off his roof and through a window pane or something to that degree. He had broken some ribs and had some stitches. He was in a lot of pain, but alive and at home. On Tuesday I sent him a text letting him know I was thinking about him, but didn't hear anything back. At 7 am this morning, I answered my phone to hear that he had died. At this point I'm still not sure what happened...

I'm heart broken. While Kevin and I were friends for only months, I did grow to love him as if I had known him for years. I am struggling to get a grasp on this, but I know that I will... just as I did after Tina died.

Life is nothing but a series of interruptions.

I don't usually spend time preaching to the masses on here. To be honest, while I do believe that Christians should be a witness, I don't believe that they should bombard others with their believes. I believe in a mutual respect between all beliefs... I'm in no position to try and convince anyone that they are wrong in what the belief, as I stand upon my own shaky ground of belief....

However, I have had moments in my life, especially over the last couple years, that have seemed to have a message just for me. It seems as if God is telling me that I need to get my life together. I can't always explain the situation, the epiphany, the light at the end of the tunnel.... It just happens, ya know? Like today.

I've been living in this mental HELL. Each day feels like my insides are trying to break free of the confinement of my skin. It's horrible. I want to die. Seriously. Death is such a rewarding escape. I couldn't take much more.

The last time I went to church, I left in panic. I couldn't think in that building. My mind kept racing, screaming, "GET OUT!!!" I plotted my exit, to be of the least disturbance and drove home as fast as I could. I hid in my room... Getting me out of there was as likely as our success in Iraq... nonexistent.

Last night I decided to go to church again. It was calling me.

This is what I learned:

Life is nothing but a series of interruptions. We spend our days waiting to get through the next issue...

-once we get our finances on track

-once I start to feel better

-once I overcome this illness

-once my kids grow up

Instead of living for the day, we live for what might come tomorrow... As if we decide our own destiny. It's like we think that once the finances get on track NOTHING else will become an obstacle; it will just be smooth sailing. In reality, though, the finances fall on and off the track, the kids grow up but still need your guidance, the illness comes and goes, and you neglected God. Of course, you may wonder, where God would come into this.... But, we have to remember

1.God knows where we are and what we are going through.

2.To seek God now and to live now instead of waiting until our situation changes.

3.God's plans are better than ours.

He hasn't forgotten you. He knows right where you are.

4.We can trust that God is good and that everything he does is for our own good... (we can't say the same for our own actions)

We miss him because we want answers and we are not seeking him.

5.We can be assured that is we genuinely seek him, we will find him.

The ups and downs, the light and darkness, the beginning and the end

When all hope is gone, all that remains is the bitterness and hatred of the past. Paint on that smile, pretend it is all well and happiness abounds. You'll always know the truth of pure hopelessness. "The fever becomes my home."

Walk forward, shedding the past as if you are shedding weights of tattered old clothing... Feel the pressure start to dissipate... Rebirth and new hope.

I haven't blogged in forever, with the exception of posting my dream from the other night. I spent just about the whole damn summer in depression, only escaping a day here and a day there for a moment of solace. It sucked hard core. I would go up to 3 days without taking a shower (I never go a day without a shower)... But, then again, there was no reason to shower, I had no plans to leave my bedroom, let alone my house. My quality of life just seemed so bleak. I had given up on the hope of ever being whole, healthy, complete... I just wanted to die.

Death became very consuming. I planned the place... the people I would text (of course I couldn't call, they might try to talk me out of it)... The letters I would write, explaining it wasn't them, that I DID love them and wanted them to live to happy and healthy.... The vehicle I would take (one of our cars is paid off, the other is not. I figured if I took the one that wasn't paid off, he could give it up to the bank, wouldn't have the reminder of my body in the front seat, and would still have a paid off vehicle). Yeah, I think I had every detail figured out. My method of execution has always been overdosing. There didn't seem to be another option.

I knew all the things I would say to someone else that wanted to die.. How sad I would be that this wonderful person couldn't see the light... See that there was a way out, but it just took time. I would cry for the babies they would leave behind, the hopelessness that seemed to be overhead. I would beg them to get the help they DESERVED... These words didn't matter to me. "My family would be better off without me," kept control of my thoughts. I wanted out, I wanted to be free of it all. Call me selfish, call me hypocritical, call me what you must; it doesn't change the mindset I was in.

The light came.

Almost a week ago, the filter was removed and a few rays of sunshine came in. The next day, was even better with me finally leaving the house for a visit to the orchard and my father's house. Progressively, I've started to feel better and my motivation is returning. At times, I've become quite overwhelmed in needing to go more... I fear that I may enter in mania... Maybe, I'm just afraid of myself being level. I honestly don't know about myself, anymore.

The downside to being out the hell hole of depression is that I start to evaluate my life. I now feel there are things that I desperately need to change, people that I need to shed, goals that I need to complete. This is not the life I want for myself and my children. I want to teach them that they can be strong and independent and that people may try to bring them down, but they can stand against that and conquer all self doubt. Unfortunately, these changes hurt other people. I'm so tired of having to give up my happiness for the happiness of others. Yet, here I am trying to sabotage the opportunity at happiness, even if it is a fleeting happiness, so that other people aren't hurt by me. I cry out, "Why don't I matter????"

Dream interpretation.

Ok, so I had this dream last night that had me so scared I had to wake Shane up to turn on the bathroom light so I could pee! I watched a show the other day about dream symbolism and now I find myself looking for things in my dreams. So, I decided to post this one and get your insight if you enjoy this type of thing!

I was standing in front of my home, which was represented as a country home that needed some repairs, but wasn't completely worn down. I was Dr. House and I had a wife and young child (about 1-2 years old). I don't remember my wife's appearance, but I think my child, whom I feel like was a girl, had blond locks. There was a large field next to our home that we did not maintain. It was mainly one produce, except there was a portion that was the farmers personal gardener. There were a few workers in his garden and I kept going over there and stealing stuff. I stole a tomato off a vine that had been sliced and wrapped in plastic wrap, a couple watermelons and a couple pumpkins. My wife kept telling me to stop, but I told her that he wouldn't notice. As I was stealing the last pumpkin, which was shaped with flat sides and almost looked like a heart, we heard screaming from across the street. (Across the street was our shed with a fridge that I was putting the watermelon in, and another large field. There were more workers in this field) I somehow knew people were getting butchered with a knife in that field and yelled at my wife to go into our home and lock the doors. She wanted me to go with her,but I had to put the pumpkin in the shed. So, I ran across the street into the shed and locked the door. I tried to squat down so this person, whom I didn't see but knew it was a girl with blond locks, wouldn't see me. Suddenly she was outside the window I was sitting under and she says to me, "House, I have to stop doing this."

Then I woke up...

So, I read that dreams are usually linked to events from the previous day or the upcoming day and are represented by symbols.

So, yesterday I didn't sleep well the night before, but did get up to go to a class I do not like and hadn't been to in almost 2 weeks. I got Seth off to school and headed to class. First I stopped at the bank and deposited a check, then McDonalds to get breakfast. When I went to pay, I couldn't find my debit card, so I drove to school. I sat in my van for a few minutes searching for my debit card and griping at Shane because I thought he took it. Then up to spanish. It was a bit stressful because I didn't know the material. I did a lot of guessing. After class I discussed my progress with my teacher and she said she thought I could still pass the class and we talked about my bipolar and how it was affecting my attendance and my anxieties. It was a good meeting. Following that I had lunch with a girlfriend of mine and had a great visit. Then home. I did a few facebook postings, Shane got home from work, and I took a 2 hour nap. Seth got home from school at 3:35, we left at 4:30 to pay the gas bill and got a coke (yummy). We discussed my health and my changes since the April breakdown. Then to pick up Adrianna from bridges, and take Seth to football practice (5:00) Nothing much was going on, we decided to have carryout for dinner and left to get that with our 2 dogs at 6:30. Picked the kids up from the park at 7, had dinner and watched some Simpsons, House. Took meds about 8. Wrote some motherly advice in Adrianna's new journal. Asleep by 9:30.

Today, I just have a field trip with Seth to an apple orchard and mail a check out. No classes, but I do need to study my spanish.

My interpretation -

Being represented by an actor could mean that I am feeling unsure of myself (and this does apply for schooling, for sure)

Being male represents stubborn, determined and forceful

Wife - "close connection, unity, belief"

Family - "your general happiness - your personality as a whole and in particular your judgment" - not sure how a wife and blonde child represent my happiness... The wife was holding the child on her hip... Maybe since it wasn't my family it was a disconnected since in regards to happiness.

The house - "The house can symbolize "the self" so house dreams can often link to health issues." - I've already mentioned my health and I have a plethora of health issues. The house was worn down, so that makes sense.

The garden - Gardens link to ideas , habits, relationships that are growing on us and becoming deeply meaningful. - Really not sure on that one.

The stealing - links to issues of self respect, prestige and recognition. - My card IS missing, and that can reflect on respecting my property...

The vegetables - basic needs in life - meeting a balanced set of basic needs - hmm, I feel like stealing from the garden should be one tied in message, but this don't seem to correlate to one another.

The field - "Some problem or situation neatly sectioned off" "Thinking of some problem" - Hmmm, that could be between the spanish or the medication or even that I'm driving to this orchard on my own... I get a little anxious about that kind of thing. There were the 2 fields, so maybe I have 2 issues... but, I'll be honest, I don't think any issue of mine is neatly sectioned off! lol

Protecting (the family) - "put up an emotional barrier - excluding something - resist some idea" - Well if the theme is staying the same I'm thinking it's about the meds and my own well being.

The killer - Youth - Eager and enthusiastic: Child - a need to protect; Blonde - surface level, superficial - Got nothing here

The killing - "they usually revolve around the wish to resist or stop something" - I've been fighting my bipolar treatment for some time. Or it may be I'm trying to break free of the control from Shane.

The knife - "Highly Involved, interested, really understanding, arguments" - I argue passionately over my medication with Shane... As well, we just had the fuss over my debit card (which I still don't know where it is, in the past he has taken it to curb my spending).

Hiding - "Hiding in a simple sense may suggest that you feel lacking in confidence or that there are overwhelming forces up against you in some way. But hiding may also link to the truth. You may feel that you have not accepted the truth or that you are deceiving yourself." - This is definitely true in general... I also struggle accepting bipolar

The Shed - cast away, throw away, discard - Interesting.

Being Found - "FOUND come to a conclusion on something - understand totally someone elses behavior FOUND explore some new feeling FOUND lay the foundations for some new idea"

Well, I think my take on it, is that I'm struggling with the truth of my diagnosis and the control Shane has over my medication/treatment/life.

What do you think? Maybe I'm missing something or maybe there is another way to process this. I'd love your input. If you are interested in the website I used, it is http://www.unclesirbobby.org.uk/dreamessay.php

My friend, Wendy's interpretation -

"When I interpret dreams, I interpret them the way I would for myself... so, if this doesn't even pertain to anything in your life, it's just how I read them. Here's my very short interpretation...

house = subconscious
garden = inner growth & stability

I feel that the little girl represents your 'inner child' and the grown up represents you. The two completely different 'shelters' represent two areas of you inner psyche. The home represents the warmth and safety side... the shed represents an area of your psyche that you are working on filling with 'stability'. However, just as you pick that last pumpkin, and think that the shed is finally going to be filled with produce 'inner-growth & stability'; you fear something horrible is happening, which causes that feeling of stability to go away making you feel unstable, vulnerable, afraid and trapped as you hide in fear from this child ~ disconnected from the warmth of your home.

Inner house represents inward appearance/subconscious. Outer house represents outward appearance/consciousness. If the inner house has levels, it represents different areas of the subconscious. The basement would represent your deep subconscious."

Letter 3 - Dear Shane (spouse)

Dear Shane,

I just want to start by saying that I've never loved anyone, the way that I love you. I don't think there are words to express how much I cherish you as my husband.

I know things started with an intense passion which led to our rocky struggles. You never cease to amaze me with your perseverance and dedication. Even when times have been at the worst imaginable, you have stayed by my side. You inspire me to continue working on who I am and who I want to be. To you, I give my heart, mind and soul... my all.

I hope for a future of wholeness, health, well being, and an immense joy. With you, I know that I will have the happiness I've longed for. You make me a better person!

I can't wait until we renew our vows on a sunny beach in California. I long to see your face as I devote myself to you and our family. We have such an amazing life together and some wonderful things to look forward to in our future.

I love you bunny, now and for all eternity!

Jamie

Letter 2 - Dear Stacy

Dear Stacy,

I miss you like crazy girl!

You know, our friendship is truly a blessing for me. I wish I would have been the strong friend you needed throughout the years. I thought of myself and no one else. As we both can see, that behavior really caught up to me. You amaze me for being able to stay around after all the bad I've done to all in my life. There are no words to explain how grateful I am to have a friend like you.

I hate being nearly across the country from you! However, I know that someday we will be reunited, either on earth or in heaven... But, hopefully on earth first, lol.

So, I was listening to the Sunday School lesson and they asked, if Jesus is the first man in your life. (I thought of you and your dedication when I heard this) I know that I am struggling with this. It is easy to put God aside, I think, as if it was a part of your life (like yoga), but not the full life.... making my husband and kids my full life. I have to work on this. It is still awkward for me, being a Christian again. I pray it gets more natural, it doesn't have to be easier... I would just like to be able to say "Jesus" without feeling strange.

You know just about everything there is to know about me. You've seen the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and you still support me. Just as I feel Tina's death was meant as a shock effect, something meant to get me on track. I think that night we met up on myspace again, after all those years, that was meant to put you back as a mentor for me... or maybe it was to benefit us both. Either way, I know God is working through those around me, to pull me back in. I have a purpose... still trying to fine tune it, but at least I'm not stuck in my rut anymore.

I wonder where this path is meant to take us. Wherever it is, I hope that you will still be by myside. You are the best friend that I have ever had. I love you bunches girlie!

Love,

Jamie

Letter 1 - Dear Adrianna

Dear Adrianna,

You are growing into such a beautiful lady. I am so proud to be your mother. I hope to instill in you a sense of pride and confidence, because while you are a beauty, this doesn't get you to a safe and fulfilling place in life. It's a joy to see how you grow and develop on a daily basis.

I often fear the impact I'm having on you as a mother. I know it must be difficult to have a mother with bipolar. My greatest fear is passing this disorder to you or your brother. While I feel it will be a blessing in disguise for me, it is still a daily struggle; a struggle that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm sorry for the way I am towards you and this family on occasion. When I'm in a mood, it isn't directed toward any of you.

I know you don't always understand the way things work or why things happen. Your grandma's death was such a hard experience for you. I'm glad to see that you are working through your feelings by writing. Writing and keeping a journal, I belief, is one of the best means of working through your emotions. You are such a talented writer at such a young age. It's amazing to see your determination to become a stronger writer. You will never cease to amaze me.

One thing I want you to walk away with is knowing that you have the ability to conquer the challenges that will be presented in the course of your life. You have so much of me in you and the women in this family are fighters. You've got this!

I love you and always will. You are my little princess no matter how old you get. <3


Love,

Your Mommy

Suicide Cry

This is my second post for today; not because I'm some new blogger and this excites me, but because on the drive home the suicidal thoughts popped back up. These 'personal death wishes' have plagued pretty heavily upon my mind as of late. All in all, however, I have personal death wishes on a daily basis. I'm constantly looking around to find my means of 'escape.'

Hmmmm, I don't think escape is the best way to look at this. I don't think about suicide, for the most part, as a means of escape from the world. Although, that is definitely the case for some of them. In reality, I consider suicide like the ultimate message. You write this goodbye letter followed by the ultimate act of seriousness. .. "See, I'm not bull shitting, I really do feel sorry, alone, hate, pain, etc..."

Which leads me to today... I'm driving home from an excruciating scenic dog walk, when I think about all the people I've hurt. I've destroyed lines of trust in multiple relationships, lost friendships that I had had for years, and now there is nothing I can do to show them how sorry I am... EXCEPT, if I ended my life because of my remorse. Then they'd finally believe me. They'd have to, right. Who would end their life to leave a lie as the message....

Sigh... I probably won't do it. I'm a chicken for one. But, besides the fear of pain and failing at suicide (that sucks), I love my babies too much to do it. If it wasn't for having them and a strong husband who doesn't need suicide to see my sorrow, self disappointment, and remorse, I know I wouldn't still be here. With them, I'm a stronger person, a better person, a striving person.

Maybe these other people will never see how the disorder has impacted me, negatively and positively, but the people that matter see me for who I am. I long for the day that I can walk away from my past and leave it lie... Until then, I'll continue to struggle, as all of my dear friends with bipolar do.

Introducing Bootsie

Well, I've taken myself off two meds, klonopin and abilify. My mood was elevated for awhile, but now it seems to be coming down. Most of this facebook stuff is just a chore. I'm read to sleep days away in my bed. I keep thinking I need a baby sitter for my kids so that they are being taken care of while I just sleep. I don't know how people make it through years of med changes and psychotherapy.... I'm ready to throw the towel in after just a few months.

I visit with people and mentally I'm begging to go home, while my shell seems so pleasant and happy. I feel like a fraud, a liar, just a pawn. However, this is the person that everyone likes. No one likes the Jamie that stays in bed, hates life, and wishes she could die.

A positive to my week.. I got a new puppy, named Bootsie. She makes me smile.....

"Our ACTIONS are the SPRING (WOW, powerful words) of our HAPPINESS or MISERY."
PHILIP SKELTON

I used to think, this guy must not know a thing about mental diseases... Try being bipolar for just a day and maybe he'd get it. But you know, as I sit here, withdrawing from the Abilify that I, yes I, decided to wean off of, I realize that I am taking actions that spring forth my happiness or misery.

Doctors seems to get paid a lot to listen very little. After walking away from a hopeful new doctor, I was told he'd rather I stay with my current dr. I don't see my psychiatrist for another month and I'm going through serious physical issues.... he's just that booked. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! What the hell does it take to get treated here? Hospitalization. I'm ready for that, again, ALREADY. Just SOMEONE to listen to me and help me figure this out. I don't want drugs. I don't want babied. I just want to feel better. Is that really that much to ask????

So, I decided, to start my own experiment. Maybe not the brightest idea, but it is going to have to work until I finally get help over the next few months. I say eff the medical field.

Here I am, AGAIN, up at 2 am after falling asleep at 8pm. I shouldn't be awake... I assume the ambien has worn off. I'm so tired of all of this. So, I sit at my cheaply made desk and notice the parking stubs from camping 2 years ago. Has it really been two years since we went camping with her? ::sigh:: I'd rather not linger. I make a plea to the warm chamomile to quickly calm my energetic self tonight. As it stands, I've sorted through a pretty impressive pile of papers and now I'm compelled to journal. I made log for moods last month, but never used it. I'm feeling rather foolish now that I have an appointment with a new Dr tomorrow. I am hoping that this dr can mean some change. I honestly can't continue to live in this state. I couldn't manage class today and when we took the kids to swim, I spent most of it in the truck, ready to go home. Am I really disabled? Am I really meant to live on like this. I've reached out as much as I think I can, to no relief... It's just too much anymore.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uD8DlxwHsE

The Bipolar Plea

SEE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I AM NOT!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I SEE ME!!
SEE ME THROUGH IT ALL!!
See me for me......

I am not another "one"
Lost to the land of crazies.
I am desperately searching,
for a way, the right way.
It may take me awhile,
This path is unlit and daunting,
But don't forget the person you once knew....

The person you once knew.
The person who laughed with you.
The person who grasped onto a logical reality.
That person is me.
I'm still here, somewhere


Some... where....
Come.... here....
See... me....
Save... me....

My rock, my foundation.... MY BESTFRIEND

Best Friend -
1) Person that brings the best out of you.
2) Person that holds you by a higher standard.
3) Person that is supportive of you and your growth as a person.

I used to think I had a lot of best friends... I had all kinds of girls to party with, male bash with, be completely immoral with. I found though, that the minute things changed in my life, ie, I didn't party, I didn't screw around, I needed support, then I was all alone. All my friends were off still doing what we had done TOGETHER and none of them wanted the boring Jamie. I realized today that I have one true friend, other than God. This true friend may possibly be my guardian angel.



I met Stacy when I was about 13 years old. I had always been a trouble maker and so had she. We spent many days, lying and tricking our parents for our fancy of the hour. Oh the fun we had!!

Time passed and we grew, or rather she grew closer to God and stronger in her convictions, while I grew further from God and more deceptive. We stopped talking, as I no longer affiliated with those 'judgmental christian types.' She spent those years on her knees, praying for me to come back to the Lord. I spent those years sewing corruption.

One day, on myspace, she came across my profile. We hit off our friendship as before. This time, although I was agnostic/atheist, I was responsive to her opinions. If I confided that I was doing something immoral, she was there to scold, but to also reassure.

When I lost all the people I thought were my friends, I looked around at the empty lot and there she was, holding me up. When the world judged me as bipolar, she proudly stood next to me, wearing her "I'm the friend of someone with bipolar" pin.

BECAUSE of her support as a friend, I have reached out to many others with bipolar. BECAUSE of her strength as a friend, I am challenging myself to become a better, stronger person. BECAUSE of her undying love, I know I can love with the purest love. BECAUSE she held my hand across the distance of land, I will one day hold the hand of many and offer the same gifts she has given me.

She may never know the value I with her and the true friendship we share, but it is a friendship that I wouldn't have survived with. She is truly my gift from God.

I love you Stacy, for the person you are and the person you make me strive to be!

The Soothing Effect of a Soft Storm

The gentle rumble of thunder calms my inner child in the midst of her tantrum. Outside my window I hear the sounds of rubber tires splashing in the swollen street beds and it peacefully persuades her eyes to flutter shut. The tip tap of raindrops on the window pane sweetly stills her agitates soul, while the tic toc of the clock on the wall above slips her into a deep trance of solace.

These feelings of agitation, restlessness, and panic have become all too familiar recently. The monster of anxiety has lurked in the darkness, preying upon moments of childlike innocence and enjoyment; destroying all that is held close and cherished at all costs. There has been no defeating this villain, with all attempts resulting in the most fierce restriction of the heart and lungs. With skin crawling, I live in retreat. "STOP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!" I scream out, but to the world it is a mere rustle of the wind; leaves stirring and loose dirt stinging the eyes. I cry, "Why don't you help me? Why don't you hear me? I'm right here!!!" Unfortunately, right here is amongst the shadows, the darkest corners of the world. The hustle and bustle of society is heard all around me; the gentle rain turned more persistent, the splashing tires now create waves of despair in my world.

In the shadows I exist, feeling alone and destitute. All the friends in the world and there is no one to hear my pleas for help. But for now, at least I have the gentle rumble of thunder calming my inner child in the midst of her tantrum, the sounds of rubber tires splashing in the swollen street beds peacefully persuading her eyes to flutter shut, the tip tap of raindrops on the window pane sweetly stilling her agitates soul, with the tic toc of the clock on the wall above slipping her into a deep trance of solace.

Are you ready for a fight?

More and more I start to question my denial of God... I find that I've received messages and people have entered my life at times when I've needed them most. I can no longer assume fate/karma can have such a strong impact on my life. Nope, this must be something stronger, something bigger, SOMEONE with a PLAN for my life. It is still awkward to say "God this," or "God that," but the clumsiness I assume will fade in time. I'm finally at a point that I want to believe in something. This emptiness has become overwhelming... even with the sea of smiling faces at my window.

I look around me and all I see is care and concern for someone as small and insignificant as me. I've been blessed to meet people on here from around the world. These demographic strangers have influenced me more than my closest friend around the bend. All the people in my life, make it worth living... They give me reason to wake another day, good or bad, and embark upon the next twist of my journey. Without my family and friends, both close and online, I don't believe I would have had the strength to move on.

I fell tired the other night working on my blog. I ended with "Is bipolar easy?" Heck no, it's not! However, I have faith that once I manage it, instead of it managing me that I'll find the happiness I so long for. I wouldn't change a day of my life... Mistakes, betrayals, losses, loves, memories, successes. These things have given me something to fight for. I fight to overcome those negatives and I fight to achieve more positives.

Today was a rough day, but I ended it grateful for having another day to share with my family and friends.

The Beauty Within

The last few days have wore on my mental state, however, as I've read many comments regarding "madness," "curse," "mental hell," I can't help but to feel like I'm lucky to have this beautiful challenge.

Is having bipolar easy?

The high tide of dispair has it's ugly crest at my heels...

The menacing face of my mania demon has reared it's head my way and is threatening my defeat. I'm overwhelmed with this ghost of past mistakes haunting my every moment, both waking and in the depth of my dreams. My heart screams, "MAKE IT STOP!!!" There is no relief in sight, I'm bound by disease. BIPOLAR, BIPOLAR, BIPOLAR... The chant fills my thoughts and capsizes any hope for a brighter tomorrow. Death seems inevitable.. but all around me I see the reasons for my existence. It seems that I must be destined to a life of mediocre fulfillment in order to maintain the balance in the life's of those I love.

I woke this morning with the urge to take my life at the cost of the world I've created. I chose to embark on the day, against every whim flowing through my body. The day progressively worsened and by 7 pm, I felt the day was wasted time, I should have been woman enough to say goodbye to it all. I'm pretty tired. I'll sleep tonight and hope for a brighter tomorrow....

Impending doom???

It seems as if the more things look up, the more they fall backwards in the same breath. I've been feeling pretty great the last few days... Unfortunately, I believe it may be too great. I'm not one to want to find the negative in all things positive, however the signs are starting to appear. A couple days ago, I went on a spending spree... Thankfully the spree wasn't complete collateral damage, but it was there, nonetheless. The following day, I allowed my anger and irritation to spike it's ugly head. My anger, probably much like the anger of many people with bipolar, is the stake in the heart. I don't just get angry, I get hateful, spiteful, vengeful... all things that shoot arrows through the heart of whoever happens to be the victim to my foe thoughts. The icing on this cake, my binge eating. Yep, I ate about a whole box of cereal AFTER already eating lunch and a dingdong. Hell, I can feel the fat adding to my beautiful muffin-top.
So now, here it is after one in the morning, I have to be up in just six hours and my ass is wide awake, pissing around on the internet.

I'm about frantic worrying about the impending mania. These meds didn't last long at all... Someone help me, I think I'm failing.

You light up my senses

Sitting cross legged on the limestone jutting out over the filled quarry, the cool breeze off the translucent blue-green water brushing my face, I'm filled with the most peculiar sensation. I'm void of depression, hate, anger, anxiety... all the familiar feelings that plague my everyday life. The confusion lifts as the edges of my lips turn up... I'm smiling, sincerely, for the first time in well over ten years. I'm surrounded by the three most important people in my life. My darling daughter, her mahogany hair flickering gently around her face, sits beside me, desperately seeking out a school of bluegill fish. My charming son, donned with streaks of mud reflecting his rambunctious personality, is searching for another rock to hurdle into the rippling waters. The strength of our family, my compassionate husband, stands several feet above us, watching as if his pure pleasure in life was to ensure the happiness of his loved ones.

Sitting cross legged on the limestone jutting out over the filled quarry, the cool breeze off the translucent blue-green water brushing my face, I'm filled with an immense happiness.

Marital Bliss

I wake up to my husband sitting on the side of the bed, with that defeated hunch in his spine. ::sigh:: I've seen this all too many times before. He is in a "moment..." a moment in which he is heavily plagued with doubt regarding our relationship and the multiple betraying infractions that I've victimized him with in my ever intoxicating manic state. ::sigh:: This is an awful way to start a day.

"How's your period?"
I'm puzzled by the question, but reply that it is lightening up.

"How was it yesterday?"
Now I know where he is going with this. Was my period light enough to have met up with someone and committed another act of infidelity? I'm overwhelmed with sadness, defeat and hopelessness. Is everyone right? Will my marriage end in divorce due to the behaviors of an untreated disease? I'm pissed that I can't do enough to prove that I'm changing. I'm trying my best to keep focused and better myself. Instead of beating myself up over my past decisions, I work on detaching the behavior from the person I am. I don't want to be a whore. I don't want to betray those around me. I want to be whole, healthy and happy. Will it ever be enough?

This incident stems from 2 hours of unaccountable time that I was shopping instead. It was a struggle to not spend more. I tried to keep on task. I'm not perfect, I'm going to make mistakes, but I'm trying.

These "moments" only further complicate my mission of self improvement. He is slowly killing me and I fear that I will become another statistic in bipolar marriages. This is such an overwhelming start to a weekend that was supposed to be full of family fun. I hope I can make it through, but to be honest, it isn't looking likely.

Turn some music on, laugh, have a drink....

The day started slowly, as I watched the clock ticking away at the last minutes of her life. I knew as I entered the day, that I was only going to be faced with grief and sadness. Remembering that last day has plagued my mind for the last year. Dropping the phone in dismay, just to question why this would ever happen to such an amazing woman. IT WASN'T FAIR!!!!

I've found myself saying that a lot lately. "It wasn't fair..." As if I have some monopoly on fairness and the court jester has threatened my stock. Maybe it wasn't fair, but I've asked myself who determines the fairness of a situation on several occasions. The answer is basically the same, "pull your ass out of the pity well." How fair is it, that I want Tina to come back and live in suffering so that I can have one last shoulder to cry on? How fair is it for me to think I'm the ONLY one that matters in this? How FAIR would it be to her, to know that I am falling apart inside, especially since she would work so hard to build me up? The answer - It isn't fair. I'll always miss her, and I highly doubt I'll ever think it was fair. However, as she once told me, "It is for the best," and I do believe her. I believe that she is safe, happy and overall better off in her new home. <3

As we drove to her resting place... Well, the place where she is buried, I remembered driving down that road before. She was so happy that day, laughing as I frequently had to slow down and speed up. Tears welled in my eyes, knowing that I would never again enjoy such a ride.

The afternoon was filled with the usually self centered banter of distant family members. Thinking that no one else cared what the meaning behind today was, I was filled with anger and disappointment. Was I the ONLY one who knew we were supposed to be sad?!?!?! ::sigh:: She would have never wanted everyone sitting around and moping over her. I can hear that gruff, but friendly voice chastising my depressing mentality. "Turn some music on, laugh, have a drink..."

She's one of the most amazing women I know. Not only did she survive a horrific childhood, she was in a dysfunctional marriage, raising 2 step children, fighting addictions, and amazingly made everyone else the center of her world. I'll never be able to completely fill that void; I'll always miss her terribly... but I hope one day I can strive to be more like her.

Lacking in all things inspiring

Day two of blankity, blank, blank. It is difficult to embrace a lull in life, ie feelings and passion. I'm generally such a driven person; following each fleeting interest until I eventually become so consumed that nothing else matters. As I sit here, my attention is frequently pulled to a random cooking competition and I start to question myself, yet again. A self proclaimed non-TV viewer and I can not keep my eyes from wandering back as the drama unfolds. Because of this minuscule issue, I'm forced to acknowledge again, that I do not know who I am anymore. How is it possible that my full identity has disappeared? I"m not the person, I thought I was. Not that it is necessarily all bad. There are several things about this "person" that I didn't like and that I'm not wanting to hold onto, but what about the positive features? Why do I have to lose her as well? **Sigh** and then I get pulled back into the war of fairness and sitting rather comfy at my personal pity party.

But, I digress...

Tomorrow's the day.... The 1 year mark since I received the call that sent my world shutting down. I sit here and think, it wasn't much later than this, when she fell asleep and never woke again.
I hate therapy. I'm so pissed. I'm about to hit such a hard spot and that stupid therapist is so busy judging where my relationship is at, that she isn't focusing on what is really killing me. Blah!!! I completely think I'm wasting my time. I need some help! I'm still broken, I have no tools, I just wish I could experience happiness.

**sigh**

I'm probably just tired.

A new dawn must have skipped me.

I seem to be at a loss of word or ideas. As I think of it, I've been at a loss all day. I struggled to find a reason to stay in therapy today. While sitting in therapy, I fought to figure out what emotions I was feeling. How does a person not know what they are feeling? Of course, at the same time, I must admit I don't know who I am. Yes, I'll admit, this definitely sucks.

The following are my notes from group:

When writing a letter, determine what your expectations are. If you are expecting your letter to make the other person change, you will be disappointed when they don't change.

Suggestion during arguments: time out

My mood at 10:00 am
even tempered, sleepy, blank, bored, nervous that my time is ending, playful, joking, unfocused, anxious

Objects: inanimate, unfeeling, disposable, replaceable (generally), can mean something to others, monetary value, lacking in life, purpose.

Have I ever in my life felt like a stapler? My relationship with my father.

Who else do I treat like this? Everyone in close range - I keep myself oblivious to them so I don't have to feel the pain.

Addictions treat family members like objects.

What are you going to do differently to stop treating them like objects? Leave the bedroom more often. Be myself.

"Self esteem is different from conceit. Conceit is the weirdest disease in the world. It makes everyone sick, except the one who has it."

Tru dat!

Very true, but as the one who is either blessed with self esteem or conceited, this is a line that may be confusing to determine. Is it conceited to share tidbits of what you are proud to have accomplished? When is it just healthy self esteem to boast about your self? For the one sharing or boasting their most memorial achievements, they know not how they affect others until the damage is done. The impact on those around the bragger is not known until a negative response is received. Then the healthy boasting is retracted and esteem is slanted. A truly conceited person is often hiding a false sense of security. Inside they are self destructing but outside they appear to be a ray of sunshine.

I lack in both - occasionally I may brag about accomplishments, but I lack in the security behind it.

I can re-parent myself. I can retrain my thinking. I can rebuild my self esteem. Work on affirmatives every day.

A new dawn, a new week, a new month, a new beginning

I woke up this morning to the sounds of thunder clapping and rain tapping outside my bedroom. The sounds were so enticing, that I found myself drawn to the cement front porch with the haphazardly hung roof line held up unconvincingly with 4x6's, still in their natural grain. I sat on the steps by the door, shoddy painted blue wooden siding to both sides of me for nearly an hour just watching the rain coming down. The wind blew the stout sunflowers over as if they had dropped something precious on the ground and needed to pick it up. Little birds chirped in the morning shower, cleaning the grit and grime that had accumulated over the past dry, warm week. The cracked ground eagerly soaked up the beads of moisture and disbursed it among the many thirsty plants.

As I sat there, I found myself thinking about this journey that I've been traveling, seemingly unsuccessfully. I realized how often I moped about "poor me" and this unbearable diagnosis. So jealous of those who were witness that it could be conquered, I just felt that I was never one of those people. I missed having Tina support me as I battled through this. IT WASN'T FAIR!!!! But, then again, who decides what is fair? Of course the person in self pity, doesn't think anything that doesn't work in there favor is lacking in fairness. Was that me? Was I so consumed with self loathing that I couldn't see the strength that I had to fight this? Sadly, I do believe this is true. I face today, slightly sleepy from getting up so early, but boldly and decidedly. I am strong. I am a fighter. I AM A SURVIVOR, A VICTOR! I am Jamie, the daughter of amazingly STRONG women, and I will triumph.

Hi. My name is Jamie Huntsman Coulter and I have bipolar disorder.

The beginning of the end

So, after months of nonstop go, a couple episodes of infidelity, it all came to a halt at what I'm going to call the "moment of truth." I had successfully self destructed to the point of no return, had little recollection of said times, and was ready to end my life. I started to drink and take meds, waiting for the moment when no one was there to stop me... Somehow, he saw through me. When I say he saw through me, I mean literally, in every facet of the interpretation. He saw me for the little girl I've always been. He saw me for the woman who couldn't let go. He saw me for the disaster that bipolar had made me. And he didn't walk away.

On April 24th, he admitted me to the hospital under a suicidal watch. I spent 48 hours in that hell, but they put me on medication, and I was set to followup with my personal psychologist the following Monday. Wednesday, May 5, 2010, I started attending an intensive partial hospitalization therapy program. The following entries are different exercises and notes from my days spent in there until today. From this point on, I will log entries separately, on a daily basis.

May 11, 2010 (we had to make a story utilizing key phrases)
Laying in my cozy bed, pondering the worth of my life, I hear the gentle scratching of "the tree branches outside the window." My husband is staring at me questioningly with "big, sad eyes," to which I brutally reply, 'No, I will not write about your penis.' I think back to the days of summer spent with the family I loved so dear. In an effort to win the love of my father, I planned a family camping trip . After much investment and collaboration the event was in place. We spent nights sitting around the bonfire. The magic of the fire enticed all who watched it take like, as it was "dancing with the hot crackling flames." Tina's soul lit up with passion, much like that of "the child's hidden smile" when afraid to reveal joy for it might be stolen. I thought I was "like a butterfly, pinned to a display," hoping my father would love me, accept me. All the years of just like your mother, coursing through my veins. I entered that summer wanting my father's love, I ended that summer with a new best friend. I had gained a person in whom I gave all my trust, all my secrets. My hopes and dreams laid in her hands. After that summer I had gained a person who saw through the lies and facade, and loved who I was. She made me feel better about my dad's feelings for me. I eagerly looked to the start of the next summer; another season spent with family and enjoying life.... Unfortunately this summer was met with her departure from life. I miss everyday without her chats and gruff laugh.
(I cried when I read this to the others)


Nooma. com (rob bell videos)
Luggage -
I will not let what others did to me, determine who I am as a person.
The baggage makes your journey harder


Balance Living Grid - make a grid of 9 squares of what needs attention in your life and how are you going to give that time.
School - 1 hour every other night
Romance - date night every other weekend
Exercise - walk 5 nights a week, start the gym 3x a week
Family-weekend activities
Fun -
Garden - weed small sections at a time
Me -
Culture - visit something 1x a month
House - deep clean 1x biweekly

5-12-10
So sleepy!!! It is only death which is hopeless
Journal about suicide video -
During the video, I found myself relating to the lady who kept rationalizing her worthlessness as a mother. I often feel like my emotional issues do more harm to my children then good. It would set them free of my baggage if I were not around.
I thought about the emotional state of my daughter. Have I ever put too much pressure on her where she felt the need to escape. It breaks my heart to even consider the impact of her committing suicide on my life, on the life of our family. She has so much of me coursing through her veins, as I do with my own mother. I hope the cycle breaks.
Then I think about Mike's suicide. I remember how it killed my mom. She never got over that void in her life.
Where am I now?


5-13-10
I'm starting to wonder if this is a waste of time... Am I ever going to feel better?

10 Things that are important to me
1.My son
2.My daughter
3.My laptop
4.My cellphone
5.My garden
6.My husband
7.My education
8.My cat
9.My occasional chair
10.My memories

5 Positive Affirmations
1.Sense of Humor
2.Smart
3.Dedicated/Focused
4.Gardener
5.Mediocre Driver


5-16-10 (I went to church for the first time in 10+ years)
*Happy Birthday Tina*
"God's highest priority in creation is the family." - Pastor Jeanette

"The little foxes spoil the vineyard."

Ephesians 4-6
1. Mutual, genuine respect and value for each member, "tell me more about that," when you disagree.
speak to a person based on and addressing those needs

2. Biblical Submission. The church is strong, a leader. Respect our husband's needs, that I'm one with him.

3. For husbands to have a godly love for their wives, love your wife all day long.


5-18-10
Grief

Men Women
don't cry cries (sad)
vengeful bitch (anger)
anger sad (safe feeling)

1.Denial/Shock/Disbelief
2.Bargaining
3.Guilt/Shame/Self Blame
4.Anger (men)/Depression (women)
5.Acceptance/Forgiveness

You can go back to other stages - something can trigger a relapse

Unresolved grief accumulates.
Journal the earliest time getting hurt.

"It's difficult to think back to the earliest recollection of getting hurt... Wow, I think my whole childhood was full of pain. I'm assuming my feelings of abandonment are due to my father's incarceration when I was about 3. He was put in prison in Texas for drug trafficking with the intent to distribute. I don't remember the bust, nor do I remember him going to prison... I just remember shortly after talking to him on the phone back home in Indiana. He was my world back then; I was definitely a daddy's girl to the core. Sigh, but he was gone, for a long time. He wasn't there to protect me from my grandpa's roaming hands. He wasn't there to prevent me from witnessing my mom's fiance's suicide. He wasn't there to save her from being murdered. Instead, when he was around, he was evil. He beat her and yelled. He scared me to the core. He came home a different daddy. He came home a stranger. I didn't love him anymore."

Grief - Loss -
sadness home
anger family
bargaining hopes
denial dreams
journal writing car
hate job
bitterness etc
self medication
etc

Advised to start an accomplishment file - write down daily accomplishments.

5/19/10
I lost myself
have I outgrown Shane?
Watching the flag wave, I start thinking, "should I move on?"
Indiana flag, ascension flag, US flag
Is it Just me??

15 things I do to impress
1.Shower
2.Dress
3.Cook Food
4.Joke
5.Do well in class
6.Post random philosophical quotes on facebook
7.Facebook fan pages
8.Drink Wine
9.Journal
10.Buy expensive things
11.MAC
12.hike
13.camp
14.smile
15.very overwhelming
Laid out the "yet" note for Shane


5/20/10
The steps of addiction
What are my addictions
Wat are these addictions covering for?
How are these addictions affecting my life?


3 Rules of a broken home -
1. Don't trust
2. Don't talk
3. Don't feel
We use these so we don't feel

5/21/10
Balanced living grid -
1.Relationship with Adrianna
2.Relationship with Seth
3.Spirituality
4.Gardening/Yard Work
5.School
6.Culture
7.Gym
8.Romance
9.Me

avoid the ALL OR NOTHING mentality

Do you like yourself?

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! Take me... or leave me. Accept me or walk away... If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad, you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you." Stacey Charter

(My response to this proclamation)
I do agree, however it is much easier said than done. My standing up and shouting consists of defensive reactions. But, I can't say, "See me! For me!" I feel like shit these days. I'm not moving forward. I'm in darkness and I'm SO lost. I'm telling people to leave me, but hoping they'll take me. But they never do. I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to decide that I need a change or strong enough to start a change, let alone love myself.

Define emptiness

Externalize and name the infidelity.

Stop calling myself the issue - I'm not a whore, I'm not bipolar, I struggle with bipolar and infidelity.

Still need to make my accomplishment file.

5/25/10

A day in the life of a friend....
I often question my value as a wife because of my husband's addiction. I'm sure he loves me, but why can't I live up to his demands for sex. I wish I wanted it more, but it has become a chore, much like that of dish washing or dusting. It needs done, more frequently than I do it, but I don't don't want to!

I've lost touch with myself and being a beautiful woman. I struggle with feeling pretty and confident when I'm being controlled in all I do. I long for the confidence and sense of beauty I used to have when I would dress up and wear my make up.

I struggle with getting out of bed and having a purpose with life. Sometimes I think is too much. I keep setting myself up for failure with the men I choose. I see the pattern, but just can't seem to pull out of this cycle. I'm afraid this is the best I can do, that no one else would want me with my depression issues.

I'm so confused with my next twist in my journey. I think that I know what to do, but I'm so afraid of doing that. By staying with my husband I have somewhat of a financial security... At least I'll have money to spend. If I leave him, I'll struggle and have to go on welfare. I don't want to go there!!! So, I give up happiness for a false sense of security or risk possible financial failure to work on improving me and navigating the road to happiness as a whole, healthy individual.


Self Esteem -
10 Positive Affirmations
1.Intuitive
2.Educated
3.Caring
4.Good Cook
5.Loving
6.Nurturing Mommy
7.Can Read and Write
8.Humorous
9.Magnetic Personality
10.Good Listener

10 Achievements
1.Went back to school
2.Had a son
3.Had a daughter
4.Made my son smile
5.Made a new friend
6.Gave someone comfort/solace
7.Showered and dressed
8.Planted a Garden
9.Made a fire pit
10.Witnessed my friend's water birth

10 Positives about your body (Love your body)
1.Big boobs
2.Strong calves
3.Shapely thighs
4.Hazel eyes
5.Lips
6.Hair color
7.Small wrists
8.Smallish ankles
9.Ten toes
10.Ten fingers

Practice saying NO

Set my own standards and stick to them

Be healthy.

5-27-10
I need a plan!
P90x for weight loss

1st time I felt optimistic. There may be hope for me. I've moved from self hate to self identity.

I wish I could cry like others. I still fight the tears when I feel them coming on.

I do not have to identify myself with my past actions. I have many great attributes. Caring, educated, innovative, fighter, determined, human, mother, sensitive, I've made mistakes, but I'm learning from them. A crisis can be the best opportunity for growth.

Hi! My name is Jamie and I HAVE bipolar.

September 16, 2009

I'm feeling pretty awesome! I just bumped into a teacher (He's a stud!!) that said he turned in my paper last semester to a student writing board! Thanked me for a paper that made his job easy! I am smart and talented!

Two days later I forgot that feeling of achievement....

Determined to conquer Spanish. I can do it!

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission you give someone veto power over your life." Abet F. Geoffrey

"Everywhere man blames nature and fate, yet his fate is mostly the echo of his character and passions, his mistakes and weaknesses." - Democritus

September 8, 2009

School is at full bore. I'm feeling a little stressed as I have really stretched myself thin and may be adding another obligation soon, but I keep telling myself to focus for just two more years.

I'm wondering if I'm living a lie. I always tell people how I'm so happy with my life. I want them to believe it, but do I?

I've been walking three miles a day and recently implemented jogging. It feels good to meet new goals, physically.

I'm excited about work on From The Well House.

Still faithful, with the exception of "virtual lovers." It's not cheating if you never touch, right?

I see Dr. Jatla tomorrow. Suck. I'll leave feeling like an idiot, I'm sure.

Feeling - disorganized, directionless, lazy

Thought - I'm a procrastinator, I feel like I don't know enough and I'm going to fail.

Rationale - Of course I'm only setting myself up for failure.

September 3, 2009

I'm still antsy. Sitting at work, desiring attention from ANYONE.... I ran out of options now my mind keeps wondering if people are in bed. Oh these overnights are hell. FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS! I can make it through this. The future holds amazing things!

I act my worst when I'm lonely, tired... I'm both. It's a good thing no one is around. I don't think I'd make the best choice right now.

Why am I not good enough for them? Why do they always call me and then go home to their wives?

Only three hours left; just read and then go home... but I keep looking at my cell.

I just need sleep.

September 2, 2009

I'm still stressed. I had a melt down on September 1, 2009. I need some alone time. There are too many people with too many demands.

August 31, 2009

I'm feeling distracted, agitated, sleepy... A little off today. A little binge eating. I'm starting to feel antsy, just not sure what is different today. I'm extremely tired. It's only 3 and if I wasn't working I'd go to bed now.

August 30, 2009

This is an argument that started because I had a tax file out and he just puts it up in the closet, instead of the file cabinet. We were on the phone and I hung up. It then became a text argument.

Me - Sometimes I hate you so much. I relish in the fact that one day I'll graduate and be able to get a job to support my kids and I won't have to depend on you anymore.

Him - So that's what you're working toward

Me - You betcha. Have a good life without me. Your ass will have to figure out what it takes to manage a house because you've never helped me with it.

I have to hold your damn hand in everything.

You just live in oblivion when it comes to the house. Hell you can't even seem to put a dinner together without asking me what to make.

It doesn't matter what I ask of you, you're determined to do it from your chair. "Make sure Seth wipes his stuff off." "He said he did it."

"Can you get gas for my van?" So, you wait till right before I leave. God forbid Shane be a little proactive and do something in advance. Oh hell no. It's all on Shane's time. When Shane feels like it.

I can't deal with being married to a kid.

Maybe someone else will be able to get you to motivate and bring those traits to the table. I sure as hell have never gotten that from you.

If you don't want tot do something or don't feel like doing it, then it isn't going to get done.

Lord you couldn't even read the folder. Hell you know all the files are in the draw.

But what the fuck ever. That's Shane. I just need to deal with it. Accept it. Well let me tell you this bit of honesty. I will only deal with it for as long as I have to. If I get a bonafide opportunity, I'm out.

So, here's the spell I give you... "I'm sorry for being such a bitch. I'm just stressed with school starting up and the kids in these activities. I shouldn't have left that folder there. I'll take care of it when I get home. I love you honey. I'm sure you're tired and I know you have a headache. Get some sleep and I'll see you in the morning.

Him - I just thought you needed it out. I guess our relationship is all lies then. Good night then.

Me - Good night honey. Love you.

Him - Ok

I hope the rest of your night goes better

Goodnight

Me - I'm sure it will. Tell your girlfriend I said good night.

Him - Girlfriend?

Me - I figured something must keep you busy cause it sure isn't out house.

Goodnight

Him - Ok then. Goodnight.

August 29, 2009

What if I'm not bipolar, but just random? What happens to a normal person who is taking lithium?

So, I think I am on track, maybe not with my marriage or finances, but I'm balancing school, work, 2 extra curriculars and my kids. Seth has his football and Adrianna has basketball (girl scouts is on hold until basketball is over). She is involved in her school. I joined the PTO, for a first! :) Socially I am more comfortable with people. School wise, I am trying to become more involved there. I really want to get myself networked out so that I can have strong references. I have two good ones so far... the owner of Wendy's of Kokomo and their director of operations. So far, week one of school, homework isn't overwhelming, so things are looking good.

My area of weakness? Lately I have spent a ton of money - WAY too much. But, I'll bounce back, I always do. I've been talking to people I shouldn't. I have not been avoiding people who could lead me "into temptation," the talk is definitely not pure either.... On the positive side, I have not had sex with anyone. It's just talk... so it's not really cheating. I've been very hateful and angry with Shane. More and more I struggle with the idea that I could be bipolar. Maybe I just wasn't handling stress well, maybe random moods... I am a woman, after all.


IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR HIM! I MANAGE EVERYTHING WITH OUT HOME AND IT'S STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I HATE HIM!!! AS SOON AS I GET A BETTER JOB, HE'S OUT!!!

August 23, 2009

Feeling - disappointed
Thought - feeling like a fat cow
Rationale - weight fluctuates

The scales went up 2lb from yesterday, but later was just up 1lb. I weight myself several times a day to make sure I'm not eating too much.

Feeling - enraged, unappreciated, spiteful.
Thought - I hate him. I wish he would leave. I want to hurt him.
Rationale - I can't depend on someone else to take care of things, angry with myself for relying on him.

He doesn't seem like he has time for me. I asked him to vacuum the bedroom, I had cleaned it from top to bottom. He sits on the computer or in front of a TV. GRRRRR We had a huge argument, he called me a bipolar bitch, that he's tired of walking on eggshells, he wanted out.

Feeling - unwanted, lost
Thought - I feel so crappy about myself because no one ever wanted me
Rationale - I can't place my value on what others think

What's wrong with me? I think all the men in my life just want sex, except for dad and he just didn't want me at all. For so many people to not want me, there must be something disgusting about me.

August 22, 2009

Day went too fast for thought/feelings. Football, shopping. Was awake for 30+ hours before sleeping, then only slept for 3 hours. Now I'm at work... Feeling sleepy.

August 21, 2009

I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE

Feeling - confused, frustrated, annoyed
Thought - I must be really crazy. Why can't I control this, make it better. I'm failing.
Rationale - I kno it can take a year to get meds right. It takes time. It will come, I hope.

Kim thinks I need to revisit Jatla. I must not be doing well... I feel like I'm on top of the world... Functional, efficient, competent.

Feeling - confused, insecure
Thought - I am lead him on. He keeps texting and I like the attention. Am I really the woman everyone hates? Stop it! Stop it! You'll always be a whore... don't fight it.
Rationale - I have to be stronger. Avoid it. He will never give me what I need.

He keeps making contact. I can't ignore him. But I joke and then tell him no. I shouldn't even text him back. I feel like I'm pulling back again.

Compliments

8-21-09
2 Clients told me I was pretty - lol. =)
ex told me I was hot. lol, he'll lie to get whatever he wants

8-22-09
Talking to girlfriend about weight loss and she said I was looking good.

8-23-09
Shane - You're beautiful. I love you
Arielle - sexy teacher with glasses, girl you're hot.
Shane - You make your glasses look good. (LMAO)
Adrian - It looks like you've lost weight.

Through the week, I've received several inappropriate compliments.

Am I empty... Just a shell?
Dow anyone see me for more than sex or boobs?
Will I ever count? Ever be a priority?
As I looked through these, I see the same pattern - compliments on m looks - Which I still don't believe - but I wonder if I am seeking these types of compliments... There are no compliments on my achievements or mental capabilities... Am I that shallow?

August 15, 2009

Feeling - defeated
Thought - Like no matter what, I'm not good enough, it's not good enough
Rationale - I am trying. It is hard. He doesn't know my relationship.

I made a comment about feeling lucky to have such a great family and Bob felt the need to make a sarcastic comment.

Feeling - relieved
Thought - I can stay strong. I think I can stay strong. I hope I can stay strong.
Rationale - He made the move o try to get me alone - I told him he had to behave, I didn't text again. He didn't show. I was unsure how I would have behaved with him.

August 14, 2009

Feeling like a cow today... Blah

Feelings - neglected, lonely, discouraged
Thoughts-I feel like leaving/quitting. I feel like it's not worth it. I'm not worth it.
Rationale - ?

I've wanted to talk to Shane all day, but when he was available, he wanted to watch TV, when was tired... Then at 2am he just didn't seem interested. Maybe I'm not interesting to him. I NEED ATTENTION! Ready to quit.

August 13, 2009

Went school shopping today. Spent way too much. Quickly. Wow. Shane got pissed. But hell my check was 2x's his. Whatever. Left at 9:30am, didn't get home until 9:30pm. Very busy day!

August 12, 2009

Busy, busy, busy. Nonstop today. I prefer this type of day. Little time to stress, fight, think. Got my walk in today.

August 11, 2009

saw this driving today, "When things get hard I...?" My answer - quit and run... Complete shut down.

August 10, 2009

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE! THE EARTH SAYS HELLO!!

Feeling pretty good. Things seem to be falling into place. The kids have activities and school again. My school starts soon, I will work less. Relationship good. I just need a nap...

August 8, 2009

Driving home from work at 6 am and realized I don't think about her so often. This makes me very sad. I wish she were here. I wish I could have done something, anything to help her. Now her 2 kids are down that same path and again I'm not doing anything....

I feel like today for the first time I realized that she's never coming back and my heart breaks all over again. I'm needing to hear her reassuring voice or the way she made me feel I could do anything... That I was pretty, smart, brave... And I will never have that again. It's just not fair. I hate life. I hate this world. I just wish it was over. On top of feeling alone again, in a month it will be 22 years since my mom died...

August 7, 2009

Tired, but not so angry. Excited that school is coming up. Nervous about moving. Nervous we can't afford it. Stressed to the max about where we are living. Happy with Shane for today :) . Wondering if I'm stretching myself too far. .. A lot of obligations set. Tired already. "It won't last forever..."

August 3, 2009

Frustrated. Overeating. Laxatives. Lost. Tired of Life. Wondering why it never seems to make sense. Torn between what to do for my brother and sister and what's best for my family. "It won't last forever," seems like such a lie. So far it has lasted almost 30 years. I ruined his life and he's made me pay for it every day.

August 1, 2009

Done, sad, angry. Dad justifies drug use. I hate him. I wish he would have died instead of Tina. All he has ever done is screw up the lives of all his children. His drugs will always rank higher than us. He is scum.

July 31, 2009

Asked my brother Jeff about kids drug use. He overlooks question and changed subject. I'm so pissed and disappointed with him.

I need someone to talk to! I don't know what to do. I'm so panicky. How can I help these kids.

Turned down the first guy. The first attempt he kept joking through each denial. Eventually he stopped texting. Very proud, happy and triumphant.

Psychiatrist appointment. I feel like he dismissed my concerns or issues... Like I'm taking them out of proportion. I feel like he thinks I just want meds. I don't I just want to be normal. Or maybe he just thinks I'm just a bad person... I don't like him.

July 30, 2009

4am - I am goin on no sleep, abou to go on a boating trip, excited, but apprehensive. Shane got upset w/ me rushing them, saying "We're not all bipolar and can stay up all night." Hurt, sad, defeated. I will never be good enough. Even wen I try, it doesn't work.

Later he sucks, but I don't give in his apologies. He always finds new ways to hurt me.

After the trip, dad drives off the road on his way home. Later I find out that it was because he and Jeff were smoking pot and he handed his stash to my 14 year old sister to hold. I'm PISSED!!!

Justina tells me that her and Job get high with dad. I'm so overwhelmed, confused, pissed, hurt, sad, DEVASTATED.

July 29, 2009

Getting focus back, now so panicky or out of control. Still functioning on limited sleep with some difficulty - basically driving is hard. Still feeling fidgety, but it is so unbearable. Some impulsive eating. Not feeling much tonight, boredom, still ready for a break. Wish everything would disappear. Ready for school to be done... Not looking forward to going back. Ready to quit. Just wanna sleep. I feel like I'm putting on a play, pretending to everyone that everything is good, positive... inside I'm twisted. I can pull it together. I have to.

July 25, 2009

Angry, frustrated, irate, sad, crying, stressed, overwhelmed, want to run away, sleep forever, panicky, lonely, fat, ugly, FLIGHT-----> Shane went to his family's... our house is not clean, I have to work, he's out having a good time, calling into work... I can't seem to control my emotions. I feel like my chest is going to explode. I wanna run, but no where to go.

July 24, 2009

Numb - Blank - Bored - Slept overnight finally. Mind less busy.

July 23, 2009

Flirty, feisty, desired, shaky, ashamed, questioning.
I texted him. Very suggestive, witty text. Testing boundaries. I know I should say no, stop it, ignore it... But I can't. I'm drawn to it. Why do I let this determine how I feel about myself. Amy I using bipolar as an excuse to be unfaithful, to test those waters again? Will I ever be able to be in a faithful relationship? I destroy everything and I know it's wrong. I just can't stop. It's like a high, it makes me feel good, I breath in deep and feel numb. (Stupid hand tremors.... I struggle to write.)

July 22, 2009

Frustrated, shaky, nervous, antsy, fidgety
Can't sleep, lay there feeling like I'm about to crawl out of my skin, body is shaking. I've slept less than 10 hours over 72 hours.

Can't stop craving attention. Talk to a third guy, all sex talk. Shaking. When texting it feels rushed and nervous. Feeling like a whore. I know I shouldn't talk to him. I don't even like him, but he's telling me he wants me, telling me I'm sexy, misses me from before, how I turn him on. I'm a horrible person.

Excited - the second guy texted and talked for awhile. Felt wanted again. Confused. Why am I doing this again????

Guilty, confused, sad, disappointed. I have to stop this before it gets out of hand. I'm back in a hole of wanting to drink and party. I have to refocus. I know I should just stifle and live my life with Shane. I can't keep doing this. Keep going in these circles. These other men will never leave their wives, they will never want me completely. I'm nothing. I'm a whore. I don't deserve to be happy. I only bring deceit and pain to people. I wish I could go to sleep and just not wake up.

Why can't they love me??

July 21, 2009

Desiring more from life, feeling distant, frustrated, ALONE, unimportant, disgusted...
Trying to discuss a potential move. Apartment too small, cluttered, trapped. We can't talk, no communication. Both of us just got pissed and shut down.

Disappointed, rejected, ugly, pathetic, confused.
The person attracted to me was going to text, but didn't. Why do I want to even hear from him?

July 20, 2009

I've lost 20 pounds! I'm feeling pretty confident and prettier.

Sexy, attractive, confused, contemplative
What is really best for me? Am I really happy? I was propositioned by an old coworker. Why does this always happen to me. Do I exhibit a whore-type of personality? They never want me, just the sex.

July 19, 2009

I'm feeling pissed, disgusted, betrayed, ALONE, validated, vengeful....
I was so frustrated that his sisters were so two-faced. I tried to talk to Shane, but he wasn't interested. He said I was bitching. It makes me feel so validated for being excited about getting hit on and I want him to hurt.


I'm feeling frustrated, uncompassionate, intolerant, distant...
He tries to act like nothing happened, like he didn't do anything and I have no reason to be upset. I'm not going to pretend that he isn't an anss. he says he will always be there, but never is. he only wants to be there for the positive.

July 18, 2009

I am feeling flattered, pretty, guilty, confused, excited by being hit on by a familiar person. How do I become strong enough to say no? Why do I suck?

A visit to the darkside

I'm feeling a little more awake now...

Lately,my mind has been burdened with self reflection and constant analysis.
I find myself longing the days of past. As I sit here, obsessed with my newest skin infliction due to this medication intended to treat an alternate skin predator, I wash my face with the medicated scented Noxema Pads. The alcohol smell tinged with the facial cleanser scent, penetrated my nostrils, instantly enticing visions of a tribal luncheon routine developed during the days of my tenure with a small factory in an even smaller town. Mandi, the like-minded blond that I formed a strong attachment to through days spent ignoring the needs of Verizon customers clinging to the hopes that we will grace them with out undivided attention through curly black lines, sits with me in my sandstone 2001 Chevy Cavaliar. As we sit there, trying to salvage our youthful skin from the havoc's of grease haven factory, we thoroughly cleanse our face with this same brand of facial pads. Our talks of leaving this life of strife and stress to become successful drug dealers motivates our return to the well coined, 'Hell Pit.'

Amanda and I, we share a similar soul, a strangely burdened soul. We realized our bond through drunken nights of dangerous driving and intensely, passionate moments with the man of the hour. There was a loneliness that could not be fulfilled for either of us, as we came to realize that men were the toys on our playground. Silly little men, would do anything for a taste of the sacred fruit. How tantalizing they were in our hands, the silly putty that conformed to the surface we presented them. We held the keys to our hearts, keeping it locked off from their petty desires. We were safe from the perils of a broken heart, or so it appeared at the moment.

As time has progressed, we have both entertained the notion of falling in love with the puppet of the hour. Sometimes it seemed successful. "This is the one. He's my soul mate." The storyline doesn't change, he's still the same cloned male that every man before him has already fulfilled. The cycle fails to halt, there is no break in the systematic continum of sex and heartbreak. Left alone, crying, heartbroken, is there even the possibility of the this whimsical concept of a soul mate or are we chasing a cinema driven ideology on what to expect in a relationship?

I'm prone to feel that I'm just not good enough for any man past the extent of demeaning sexual acts. That is a diagnosis that I must come to terms with.

"A soulmate is somebody with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility."

Is such a whimsical idea even a possibility in this life?

This is all I can give. Take it, without question. Is a life void of happiness, a life at all?

Driving home yesterday, eyes drifting closed every few moments, I glimpsed the quickly approaching, semi truck sitting at the red light straight ahead. I stalled in my decision to slow down. How quickly all my whims of happily every after and a true love would dissipate, and relieve the heartache of realizing that I would never satisfy those desires in my heart.

My soul is fleeing. It's very existence under fire.

I'm too exhausted to finish this tonight.

untitled - everything has an identity, except for me

I miss life. It's been so long, ya know... I've been gone, far away, but always watching; always observing the production my life equates to.

There are always people around, suffocating the light out, stealing what life they can from me. It has now been confirmed, I'm not meant for things of happiness and pleasure.

I'm free! I've escaped the reach of oppression, but I'm running. I'm fleeing, fast-paced and frantically. He's on my tracks, determined to keep me caged away. I'm his pretty little firefly, bringing him flickers of light and childlike glee.


The village riots together, ignorantly united, falsely connected. They conspire my death, the villain in the night must not get away! She holds the key to the dawning of another day. We will catch her, we will reform her. She WILL become another drone of society!


There is no escape... wearily, I'm bound to submit to their whims of normalcy, foundation, structure... CONFORMITY! I've lost possession of my breath... It slowly escapes my lips...

Sadly, the solution surfaces; the mind collapses and all is still within... finally. They victor my scarred soul, and leave my useless shell, crumbled on the floor.