Here I am, AGAIN, up at 2 am after falling asleep at 8pm. I shouldn't be awake... I assume the ambien has worn off. I'm so tired of all of this. So, I sit at my cheaply made desk and notice the parking stubs from camping 2 years ago. Has it really been two years since we went camping with her? ::sigh:: I'd rather not linger. I make a plea to the warm chamomile to quickly calm my energetic self tonight. As it stands, I've sorted through a pretty impressive pile of papers and now I'm compelled to journal. I made log for moods last month, but never used it. I'm feeling rather foolish now that I have an appointment with a new Dr tomorrow. I am hoping that this dr can mean some change. I honestly can't continue to live in this state. I couldn't manage class today and when we took the kids to swim, I spent most of it in the truck, ready to go home. Am I really disabled? Am I really meant to live on like this. I've reached out as much as I think I can, to no relief... It's just too much anymore.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uD8DlxwHsE

The Bipolar Plea

SEE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I AM NOT!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I SEE ME!!
SEE ME THROUGH IT ALL!!
See me for me......

I am not another "one"
Lost to the land of crazies.
I am desperately searching,
for a way, the right way.
It may take me awhile,
This path is unlit and daunting,
But don't forget the person you once knew....

The person you once knew.
The person who laughed with you.
The person who grasped onto a logical reality.
That person is me.
I'm still here, somewhere


Some... where....
Come.... here....
See... me....
Save... me....

My rock, my foundation.... MY BESTFRIEND

Best Friend -
1) Person that brings the best out of you.
2) Person that holds you by a higher standard.
3) Person that is supportive of you and your growth as a person.

I used to think I had a lot of best friends... I had all kinds of girls to party with, male bash with, be completely immoral with. I found though, that the minute things changed in my life, ie, I didn't party, I didn't screw around, I needed support, then I was all alone. All my friends were off still doing what we had done TOGETHER and none of them wanted the boring Jamie. I realized today that I have one true friend, other than God. This true friend may possibly be my guardian angel.



I met Stacy when I was about 13 years old. I had always been a trouble maker and so had she. We spent many days, lying and tricking our parents for our fancy of the hour. Oh the fun we had!!

Time passed and we grew, or rather she grew closer to God and stronger in her convictions, while I grew further from God and more deceptive. We stopped talking, as I no longer affiliated with those 'judgmental christian types.' She spent those years on her knees, praying for me to come back to the Lord. I spent those years sewing corruption.

One day, on myspace, she came across my profile. We hit off our friendship as before. This time, although I was agnostic/atheist, I was responsive to her opinions. If I confided that I was doing something immoral, she was there to scold, but to also reassure.

When I lost all the people I thought were my friends, I looked around at the empty lot and there she was, holding me up. When the world judged me as bipolar, she proudly stood next to me, wearing her "I'm the friend of someone with bipolar" pin.

BECAUSE of her support as a friend, I have reached out to many others with bipolar. BECAUSE of her strength as a friend, I am challenging myself to become a better, stronger person. BECAUSE of her undying love, I know I can love with the purest love. BECAUSE she held my hand across the distance of land, I will one day hold the hand of many and offer the same gifts she has given me.

She may never know the value I with her and the true friendship we share, but it is a friendship that I wouldn't have survived with. She is truly my gift from God.

I love you Stacy, for the person you are and the person you make me strive to be!

The Soothing Effect of a Soft Storm

The gentle rumble of thunder calms my inner child in the midst of her tantrum. Outside my window I hear the sounds of rubber tires splashing in the swollen street beds and it peacefully persuades her eyes to flutter shut. The tip tap of raindrops on the window pane sweetly stills her agitates soul, while the tic toc of the clock on the wall above slips her into a deep trance of solace.

These feelings of agitation, restlessness, and panic have become all too familiar recently. The monster of anxiety has lurked in the darkness, preying upon moments of childlike innocence and enjoyment; destroying all that is held close and cherished at all costs. There has been no defeating this villain, with all attempts resulting in the most fierce restriction of the heart and lungs. With skin crawling, I live in retreat. "STOP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!" I scream out, but to the world it is a mere rustle of the wind; leaves stirring and loose dirt stinging the eyes. I cry, "Why don't you help me? Why don't you hear me? I'm right here!!!" Unfortunately, right here is amongst the shadows, the darkest corners of the world. The hustle and bustle of society is heard all around me; the gentle rain turned more persistent, the splashing tires now create waves of despair in my world.

In the shadows I exist, feeling alone and destitute. All the friends in the world and there is no one to hear my pleas for help. But for now, at least I have the gentle rumble of thunder calming my inner child in the midst of her tantrum, the sounds of rubber tires splashing in the swollen street beds peacefully persuading her eyes to flutter shut, the tip tap of raindrops on the window pane sweetly stilling her agitates soul, with the tic toc of the clock on the wall above slipping her into a deep trance of solace.

Are you ready for a fight?

More and more I start to question my denial of God... I find that I've received messages and people have entered my life at times when I've needed them most. I can no longer assume fate/karma can have such a strong impact on my life. Nope, this must be something stronger, something bigger, SOMEONE with a PLAN for my life. It is still awkward to say "God this," or "God that," but the clumsiness I assume will fade in time. I'm finally at a point that I want to believe in something. This emptiness has become overwhelming... even with the sea of smiling faces at my window.

I look around me and all I see is care and concern for someone as small and insignificant as me. I've been blessed to meet people on here from around the world. These demographic strangers have influenced me more than my closest friend around the bend. All the people in my life, make it worth living... They give me reason to wake another day, good or bad, and embark upon the next twist of my journey. Without my family and friends, both close and online, I don't believe I would have had the strength to move on.

I fell tired the other night working on my blog. I ended with "Is bipolar easy?" Heck no, it's not! However, I have faith that once I manage it, instead of it managing me that I'll find the happiness I so long for. I wouldn't change a day of my life... Mistakes, betrayals, losses, loves, memories, successes. These things have given me something to fight for. I fight to overcome those negatives and I fight to achieve more positives.

Today was a rough day, but I ended it grateful for having another day to share with my family and friends.

The Beauty Within

The last few days have wore on my mental state, however, as I've read many comments regarding "madness," "curse," "mental hell," I can't help but to feel like I'm lucky to have this beautiful challenge.

Is having bipolar easy?

The high tide of dispair has it's ugly crest at my heels...

The menacing face of my mania demon has reared it's head my way and is threatening my defeat. I'm overwhelmed with this ghost of past mistakes haunting my every moment, both waking and in the depth of my dreams. My heart screams, "MAKE IT STOP!!!" There is no relief in sight, I'm bound by disease. BIPOLAR, BIPOLAR, BIPOLAR... The chant fills my thoughts and capsizes any hope for a brighter tomorrow. Death seems inevitable.. but all around me I see the reasons for my existence. It seems that I must be destined to a life of mediocre fulfillment in order to maintain the balance in the life's of those I love.

I woke this morning with the urge to take my life at the cost of the world I've created. I chose to embark on the day, against every whim flowing through my body. The day progressively worsened and by 7 pm, I felt the day was wasted time, I should have been woman enough to say goodbye to it all. I'm pretty tired. I'll sleep tonight and hope for a brighter tomorrow....

Impending doom???

It seems as if the more things look up, the more they fall backwards in the same breath. I've been feeling pretty great the last few days... Unfortunately, I believe it may be too great. I'm not one to want to find the negative in all things positive, however the signs are starting to appear. A couple days ago, I went on a spending spree... Thankfully the spree wasn't complete collateral damage, but it was there, nonetheless. The following day, I allowed my anger and irritation to spike it's ugly head. My anger, probably much like the anger of many people with bipolar, is the stake in the heart. I don't just get angry, I get hateful, spiteful, vengeful... all things that shoot arrows through the heart of whoever happens to be the victim to my foe thoughts. The icing on this cake, my binge eating. Yep, I ate about a whole box of cereal AFTER already eating lunch and a dingdong. Hell, I can feel the fat adding to my beautiful muffin-top.
So now, here it is after one in the morning, I have to be up in just six hours and my ass is wide awake, pissing around on the internet.

I'm about frantic worrying about the impending mania. These meds didn't last long at all... Someone help me, I think I'm failing.

You light up my senses

Sitting cross legged on the limestone jutting out over the filled quarry, the cool breeze off the translucent blue-green water brushing my face, I'm filled with the most peculiar sensation. I'm void of depression, hate, anger, anxiety... all the familiar feelings that plague my everyday life. The confusion lifts as the edges of my lips turn up... I'm smiling, sincerely, for the first time in well over ten years. I'm surrounded by the three most important people in my life. My darling daughter, her mahogany hair flickering gently around her face, sits beside me, desperately seeking out a school of bluegill fish. My charming son, donned with streaks of mud reflecting his rambunctious personality, is searching for another rock to hurdle into the rippling waters. The strength of our family, my compassionate husband, stands several feet above us, watching as if his pure pleasure in life was to ensure the happiness of his loved ones.

Sitting cross legged on the limestone jutting out over the filled quarry, the cool breeze off the translucent blue-green water brushing my face, I'm filled with an immense happiness.

Marital Bliss

I wake up to my husband sitting on the side of the bed, with that defeated hunch in his spine. ::sigh:: I've seen this all too many times before. He is in a "moment..." a moment in which he is heavily plagued with doubt regarding our relationship and the multiple betraying infractions that I've victimized him with in my ever intoxicating manic state. ::sigh:: This is an awful way to start a day.

"How's your period?"
I'm puzzled by the question, but reply that it is lightening up.

"How was it yesterday?"
Now I know where he is going with this. Was my period light enough to have met up with someone and committed another act of infidelity? I'm overwhelmed with sadness, defeat and hopelessness. Is everyone right? Will my marriage end in divorce due to the behaviors of an untreated disease? I'm pissed that I can't do enough to prove that I'm changing. I'm trying my best to keep focused and better myself. Instead of beating myself up over my past decisions, I work on detaching the behavior from the person I am. I don't want to be a whore. I don't want to betray those around me. I want to be whole, healthy and happy. Will it ever be enough?

This incident stems from 2 hours of unaccountable time that I was shopping instead. It was a struggle to not spend more. I tried to keep on task. I'm not perfect, I'm going to make mistakes, but I'm trying.

These "moments" only further complicate my mission of self improvement. He is slowly killing me and I fear that I will become another statistic in bipolar marriages. This is such an overwhelming start to a weekend that was supposed to be full of family fun. I hope I can make it through, but to be honest, it isn't looking likely.

Turn some music on, laugh, have a drink....

The day started slowly, as I watched the clock ticking away at the last minutes of her life. I knew as I entered the day, that I was only going to be faced with grief and sadness. Remembering that last day has plagued my mind for the last year. Dropping the phone in dismay, just to question why this would ever happen to such an amazing woman. IT WASN'T FAIR!!!!

I've found myself saying that a lot lately. "It wasn't fair..." As if I have some monopoly on fairness and the court jester has threatened my stock. Maybe it wasn't fair, but I've asked myself who determines the fairness of a situation on several occasions. The answer is basically the same, "pull your ass out of the pity well." How fair is it, that I want Tina to come back and live in suffering so that I can have one last shoulder to cry on? How fair is it for me to think I'm the ONLY one that matters in this? How FAIR would it be to her, to know that I am falling apart inside, especially since she would work so hard to build me up? The answer - It isn't fair. I'll always miss her, and I highly doubt I'll ever think it was fair. However, as she once told me, "It is for the best," and I do believe her. I believe that she is safe, happy and overall better off in her new home. <3

As we drove to her resting place... Well, the place where she is buried, I remembered driving down that road before. She was so happy that day, laughing as I frequently had to slow down and speed up. Tears welled in my eyes, knowing that I would never again enjoy such a ride.

The afternoon was filled with the usually self centered banter of distant family members. Thinking that no one else cared what the meaning behind today was, I was filled with anger and disappointment. Was I the ONLY one who knew we were supposed to be sad?!?!?! ::sigh:: She would have never wanted everyone sitting around and moping over her. I can hear that gruff, but friendly voice chastising my depressing mentality. "Turn some music on, laugh, have a drink..."

She's one of the most amazing women I know. Not only did she survive a horrific childhood, she was in a dysfunctional marriage, raising 2 step children, fighting addictions, and amazingly made everyone else the center of her world. I'll never be able to completely fill that void; I'll always miss her terribly... but I hope one day I can strive to be more like her.

Lacking in all things inspiring

Day two of blankity, blank, blank. It is difficult to embrace a lull in life, ie feelings and passion. I'm generally such a driven person; following each fleeting interest until I eventually become so consumed that nothing else matters. As I sit here, my attention is frequently pulled to a random cooking competition and I start to question myself, yet again. A self proclaimed non-TV viewer and I can not keep my eyes from wandering back as the drama unfolds. Because of this minuscule issue, I'm forced to acknowledge again, that I do not know who I am anymore. How is it possible that my full identity has disappeared? I"m not the person, I thought I was. Not that it is necessarily all bad. There are several things about this "person" that I didn't like and that I'm not wanting to hold onto, but what about the positive features? Why do I have to lose her as well? **Sigh** and then I get pulled back into the war of fairness and sitting rather comfy at my personal pity party.

But, I digress...

Tomorrow's the day.... The 1 year mark since I received the call that sent my world shutting down. I sit here and think, it wasn't much later than this, when she fell asleep and never woke again.
I hate therapy. I'm so pissed. I'm about to hit such a hard spot and that stupid therapist is so busy judging where my relationship is at, that she isn't focusing on what is really killing me. Blah!!! I completely think I'm wasting my time. I need some help! I'm still broken, I have no tools, I just wish I could experience happiness.

**sigh**

I'm probably just tired.

A new dawn must have skipped me.

I seem to be at a loss of word or ideas. As I think of it, I've been at a loss all day. I struggled to find a reason to stay in therapy today. While sitting in therapy, I fought to figure out what emotions I was feeling. How does a person not know what they are feeling? Of course, at the same time, I must admit I don't know who I am. Yes, I'll admit, this definitely sucks.

The following are my notes from group:

When writing a letter, determine what your expectations are. If you are expecting your letter to make the other person change, you will be disappointed when they don't change.

Suggestion during arguments: time out

My mood at 10:00 am
even tempered, sleepy, blank, bored, nervous that my time is ending, playful, joking, unfocused, anxious

Objects: inanimate, unfeeling, disposable, replaceable (generally), can mean something to others, monetary value, lacking in life, purpose.

Have I ever in my life felt like a stapler? My relationship with my father.

Who else do I treat like this? Everyone in close range - I keep myself oblivious to them so I don't have to feel the pain.

Addictions treat family members like objects.

What are you going to do differently to stop treating them like objects? Leave the bedroom more often. Be myself.

"Self esteem is different from conceit. Conceit is the weirdest disease in the world. It makes everyone sick, except the one who has it."

Tru dat!

Very true, but as the one who is either blessed with self esteem or conceited, this is a line that may be confusing to determine. Is it conceited to share tidbits of what you are proud to have accomplished? When is it just healthy self esteem to boast about your self? For the one sharing or boasting their most memorial achievements, they know not how they affect others until the damage is done. The impact on those around the bragger is not known until a negative response is received. Then the healthy boasting is retracted and esteem is slanted. A truly conceited person is often hiding a false sense of security. Inside they are self destructing but outside they appear to be a ray of sunshine.

I lack in both - occasionally I may brag about accomplishments, but I lack in the security behind it.

I can re-parent myself. I can retrain my thinking. I can rebuild my self esteem. Work on affirmatives every day.