Thursday, September 30, 2010

The ups and downs, the light and darkness, the beginning and the end

When all hope is gone, all that remains is the bitterness and hatred of the past. Paint on that smile, pretend it is all well and happiness abounds. You'll always know the truth of pure hopelessness. "The fever becomes my home."


Walk forward, shedding the past as if you are shedding weights of tattered old clothing... Feel the pressure start to dissipate... Rebirth and new hope.


I haven't blogged in forever, with the exception of posting my dream from the other night. I spent just about the whole damn summer in depression, only escaping a day here and a day there for a moment of solace. It sucked hard core. I would go up to 3 days without taking a shower (I never go a day without a shower)... But, then again, there was no reason to shower, I had no plans to leave my bedroom, let alone my house. My quality of life just seemed so bleak. I had given up on the hope of ever being whole, healthy, complete... I just wanted to die.

Death became very consuming. I planned the place... the people I would text (of course I couldn't call, they might try to talk me out of it)... The letters I would write, explaining it wasn't them, that I DID love them and wanted them to live to happy and healthy.... The vehicle I would take (one of our cars is paid off, the other is not. I figured if I took the one that wasn't paid off, he could give it up to the bank, wouldn't have the reminder of my body in the front seat, and would still have a paid off vehicle). Yeah, I think I had every detail figured out. My method of execution has always been overdosing. There didn't seem to be another option.

I knew all the things I would say to someone else that wanted to die.. How sad I would be that this wonderful person couldn't see the light... See that there was a way out, but it just took time. I would cry for the babies they would leave behind, the hopelessness that seemed to be overhead. I would beg them to get the help they DESERVED... These words didn't matter to me. "My family would be better off without me," kept control of my thoughts. I wanted out, I wanted to be free of it all. Call me selfish, call me hypocritical, call me what you must; it doesn't change the mindset I was in.

The light came.

Almost a week ago, the filter was removed and a few rays of sunshine came in. The next day, was even better with me finally leaving the house for a visit to the orchard and my father's house. Progressively, I've started to feel better and my motivation is returning. At times, I've become quite overwhelmed in needing to go more... I fear that I may enter in mania... Maybe, I'm just afraid of myself being level. I honestly don't know about myself, anymore.

The downside to being out the hell hole of depression is that I start to evaluate my life. I now feel there are things that I desperately need to change, people that I need to shed, goals that I need to complete. This is not the life I want for myself and my children. I want to teach them that they can be strong and independent and that people may try to bring them down, but they can stand against that and conquer all self doubt. Unfortunately, these changes hurt other people. I'm so tired of having to give up my happiness for the happiness of others. Yet, here I am trying to sabotage the opportunity at happiness, even if it is a fleeting happiness, so that other people aren't hurt by me. I cry out, "Why don't I matter????"

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dream interpretation.

Ok, so I had this dream last night that had me so scared I had to wake Shane up to turn on the bathroom light so I could pee! I watched a show the other day about dream symbolism and now I find myself looking for things in my dreams. So, I decided to post this one and get your insight if you enjoy this type of thing!


I was standing in front of my home, which was represented as a country home that needed some repairs, but wasn't completely worn down. I was Dr. House and I had a wife and young child (about 1-2 years old). I don't remember my wife's appearance, but I think my child, whom I feel like was a girl, had blond locks. There was a large field next to our home that we did not maintain. It was mainly one produce, except there was a portion that was the farmers personal gardener. There were a few workers in his garden and I kept going over there and stealing stuff. I stole a tomato off a vine that had been sliced and wrapped in plastic wrap, a couple watermelons and a couple pumpkins. My wife kept telling me to stop, but I told her that he wouldn't notice. As I was stealing the last pumpkin, which was shaped with flat sides and almost looked like a heart, we heard screaming from across the street. (Across the street was our shed with a fridge that I was putting the watermelon in, and another large field. There were more workers in this field) I somehow knew people were getting butchered with a knife in that field and yelled at my wife to go into our home and lock the doors. She wanted me to go with her,but I had to put the pumpkin in the shed. So, I ran across the street into the shed and locked the door. I tried to squat down so this person, whom I didn't see but knew it was a girl with blond locks, wouldn't see me. Suddenly she was outside the window I was sitting under and she says to me, "House, I have to stop doing this."


Then I woke up...


So, I read that dreams are usually linked to events from the previous day or the upcoming day and are represented by symbols.


So, yesterday I didn't sleep well the night before, but did get up to go to a class I do not like and hadn't been to in almost 2 weeks. I got Seth off to school and headed to class. First I stopped at the bank and deposited a check, then McDonalds to get breakfast. When I went to pay, I couldn't find my debit card, so I drove to school. I sat in my van for a few minutes searching for my debit card and griping at Shane because I thought he took it. Then up to spanish. It was a bit stressful because I didn't know the material. I did a lot of guessing. After class I discussed my progress with my teacher and she said she thought I could still pass the class and we talked about my bipolar and how it was affecting my attendance and my anxieties. It was a good meeting. Following that I had lunch with a girlfriend of mine and had a great visit. Then home. I did a few facebook postings, Shane got home from work, and I took a 2 hour nap. Seth got home from school at 3:35, we left at 4:30 to pay the gas bill and got a coke (yummy). We discussed my health and my changes since the April breakdown. Then to pick up Adrianna from bridges, and take Seth to football practice (5:00) Nothing much was going on, we decided to have carryout for dinner and left to get that with our 2 dogs at 6:30. Picked the kids up from the park at 7, had dinner and watched some Simpsons, House. Took meds about 8. Wrote some motherly advice in Adrianna's new journal. Asleep by 9:30.


Today, I just have a field trip with Seth to an apple orchard and mail a check out. No classes, but I do need to study my spanish.


My interpretation -


Being represented by an actor could mean that I am feeling unsure of myself (and this does apply for schooling, for sure)

Being male represents stubborn, determined and forceful


Wife - "close connection, unity, belief"


Family - "your general happiness - your personality as a whole and in particular your judgment" - not sure how a wife and blonde child represent my happiness... The wife was holding the child on her hip... Maybe since it wasn't my family it was a disconnected since in regards to happiness.


The house - "The house can symbolize "the self" so house dreams can often link to health issues." - I've already mentioned my health and I have a plethora of health issues. The house was worn down, so that makes sense.


The garden - Gardens link to ideas , habits, relationships that are growing on us and becoming deeply meaningful. - Really not sure on that one.


The stealing - links to issues of self respect, prestige and recognition. - My card IS missing, and that can reflect on respecting my property...


The vegetables - basic needs in life - meeting a balanced set of basic needs - hmm, I feel like stealing from the garden should be one tied in message, but this don't seem to correlate to one another.


The field - "Some problem or situation neatly sectioned off" "Thinking of some problem" - Hmmm, that could be between the spanish or the medication or even that I'm driving to this orchard on my own... I get a little anxious about that kind of thing. There were the 2 fields, so maybe I have 2 issues... but, I'll be honest, I don't think any issue of mine is neatly sectioned off! lol


Protecting (the family) - "put up an emotional barrier - excluding something - resist some idea" - Well if the theme is staying the same I'm thinking it's about the meds and my own well being.


The killer - Youth - Eager and enthusiastic: Child - a need to protect; Blonde - surface level, superficial - Got nothing here


The killing - "they usually revolve around the wish to resist or stop something" - I've been fighting my bipolar treatment for some time. Or it may be I'm trying to break free of the control from Shane.


The knife - "Highly Involved, interested, really understanding, arguments" - I argue passionately over my medication with Shane... As well, we just had the fuss over my debit card (which I still don't know where it is, in the past he has taken it to curb my spending).


Hiding - "Hiding in a simple sense may suggest that you feel lacking in confidence or that there are overwhelming forces up against you in some way. But hiding may also link to the truth. You may feel that you have not accepted the truth or that you are deceiving yourself." - This is definitely true in general... I also struggle accepting bipolar


The Shed - cast away, throw away, discard - Interesting.


Being Found - "FOUND come to a conclusion on something - understand totally someone elses behavior FOUND explore some new feeling FOUND lay the foundations for some new idea"




Well, I think my take on it, is that I'm struggling with the truth of my diagnosis and the control Shane has over my medication/treatment/life.





What do you think? Maybe I'm missing something or maybe there is another way to process this. I'd love your input. If you are interested in the website I used, it is http://www.unclesirbobby.org.uk/dreamessay.php



My friend, Wendy's interpretation -

"When I interpret dreams, I interpret them the way I would for myself... so, if this doesn't even pertain to anything in your life, it's just how I read them. Here's my very short interpretation...

house = subconscious
garden = inner growth & stability

I feel that the little girl represents your 'inner child' and the grown up represents you. The two completely different 'shelters' represent two areas of you inner psyche. The home represents the warmth and safety side... the shed represents an area of your psyche that you are working on filling with 'stability'. However, just as you pick that last pumpkin, and think that the shed is finally going to be filled with produce 'inner-growth & stability'; you fear something horrible is happening, which causes that feeling of stability to go away making you feel unstable, vulnerable, afraid and trapped as you hide in fear from this child ~ disconnected from the warmth of your home.

Inner house represents inward appearance/subconscious. Outer house represents outward appearance/consciousness. If the inner house has levels, it represents different areas of the subconscious. The basement would represent your deep subconscious."