It's just me...... and the evil monkey in my closet

I'm looking for you everywhere I turn. I stared at the clouds my whole drive home this morning, looking for a sign. I thought I saw your face in the clouds and then later an eye, as if you were watching me, keeping me safe...


In the wee hours of the night, I sit here, rubbing away the hazy film that is forming over my eyes, wondering... well I don't know what I'm wondering... I try to think about how I'm feeling, but I don't have any feelings so to speak of. I feel tired; I'm ready for this long 16 hour shift to be over. I feel bored; there is never anything interesting to watch at 3 am on a Sunday morning. I of course, resort to the familiar sounds of AC360 and Larry King Live on my comfort channel of choice, CNN. I feel lazy, as I have an assortment of household chores that I need to finish before 6 am. But, in reflection these feelings are all physical, none of them are reflecting how I am feeling emotionally... I don't feel happiness, really what is there to be happy about? I'm not really feeling sadness nor am I depressed.

This self reflection leads me to a question presented during my psychologist appointment, in which I was asked how I had coped with all the crap in my life. I think the answer lies in the way I handle my life. I think I seemingly take an empty, lack of emotion approach to life. Every once and awhile I hit a bump that I didn't see coming or that I couldn't go around.... These metaphorical bumps can cause me much pain, but I soon hide that pain and move on, ignoring any reminder of that pain... Sometimes denying that there was any pain to begin with.

Wow, Paul Sr. quoted in his book that his whole childhood set him up to be in jail or a failure... Is he my brother? LOL

So, back to the emotional part of me... I guess if stress is considered an emotion, I've got that one covered. I am extremely tired of living in my small apartment, while it was sufficient when I was minus one husband, once he was added back into the equation, so was his bulky furniture and there is just no room. I feel like I'm being held prisoner in a cracker jack box, gasping for breath, begging to escape. The walls are closing in!

Irritation. I'm always irritated and it has recently found its way into my work. The ladies are driving me insane, with their constant chatter. My family is always irritating me, leaving messes, toying with my belongings, losing that one thing that of course I need at that very moment, breaking anything and everything in their way... Grr! I wish they would get their own home and leave me to my apartment.... They can take all the crap in the apartment with them.

And again, here I am, eyes heavy with fatigue, back aching from arthritis, procrastinating on the work that I so desperately need to finish.