Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Reflections


When I first started on this bipolar journey...  Well, my journey of healing, rather...  I felt so utterly alone.  I wanted someone that could relate to how I felt and not just tell me that I had to get over it or that I was selfish...  As, I looked around me, I realized that, even though many people loved me with my extremist behaviors, no one really understood how crazy it all felt.  People were quick to tell me that my doctor didn't know what he was talking about when he diagnosed me as bipolar, they further enabled my thoughts of paranoia that the drs were just out to get me, because I was on top of my game!  I fought the diagnosis, denied the diagnosis and ignored the diagnosis.  

I can't say there was a clear moment when I knew something had to change.  There was an avalanche of events in an one year period of time.  It all started w/ the climatic meltdown.  I had become so manic that I was delusional and really had lost all connection w/ reality.  I was sending money to a stranger in another state that was going to swoop me up and fulfill my empty heart.  I had plans to walk away from everything, family, friends, even my children.  Mentally, I thought they all hated me anyway and would be much better if they didn't have to see me again.  Most men would have walked away...  but my husband didn't.  To this day, I'll never have more admiration, respect and utmost amazement in anyone that I have in this man.  I broke his heart over and over again through the years and as I was lying in my bed, tremoring, completely disoriented and in utter fear of what was happening, he picked me up and took me to the hospital.  With his fresh wounds still bleeding, his concern was on me.  How fair was that?  After all the evil in my heart and his still filled with undying love?  

The fight had started, but I was still not well.  I started this page one afternoon because I so desperately needed someone to talk to.  I had much more healing and growth ahead of me, but I knew I couldn't do it alone.  I just wanted a friend...someone that genuinely cared about me.  I had "friends" that fed my mania, set me up in promiscuios behavior, partied w/ me, made me feel that this "life" was normal.  It was fun.  I didn't have one friend that I trusted enough to cry with, to say my heart hurts, I'm so lonely and I just want to die.  No wonder everyone thought the diagnosis was a hoax.  I had spent so much time and energy into being what everyone else thought I should be and hiding what I really was, what I had become...  The monster inside me.

After starting this page, I would spend hours just searching for the word, "bipolar" on facebook.  It would bring up people's status updates that had this word in it.  I would email these people an invite to my support page.  
" I am struggling with bipolar and recently started a page for others with bipolar or those who love us. It's a page for sharing and connecting. I'm doing random searches on here in relation to bipolar and your name popped up, so I thought I would share this site with you. Having a support system is such a vital part of coping with this diagnosis. Feel free to share this site with your friends and family. My goal is to have a strong network of people that can be there when we are sinking to the bottom of the pit. I hope to chat with you soon.Thanks!Jamie"
I was nervous that people would yell at me for "stalking" them, but instead was surprised when people starting thanking me and inviting others to join as well.  In the beginning , the group was small, but the impact was great.  I "met" the most amazing, caring people....  and all they wanted was someone to talk to.  I always made myself available to them.  There were late night IM's, emails, and text messages.  I never wanted anyone to feel like they were alone, especially if it came to a crucial life/death moment.  When people reach out, they are really wanting someone to tell them not to do it, that they DO MATTER!  I felt my best when I could give myself to someone else.

In time, life settled down.  I came to realize that I had to make some changes.  Bipolar doesn't care who you are, who you think you are, how wealthy or poor you are.  It takes peoples' lives.  It's not something to be ignored.   I'm so grateful that  my moment of desperation to find someone, has found me nearly 800!  I hope that I can impact you, the same as you impact me.