Farewell, so long, this must be our end.

December 26, 2009
Jeff Huntsman,
You tell me that the worst day in your life was the moment you found out mom was pregnant with me. You tell me that you don’t agree with the things that happen in my life. Are you serious? I am the person I am because of YOUR actions. I NEVER chose to have an addict, drug dealer for a dad. I NEVER chose for my dad to be pulled out of my life while he did time in prison. I NEVER chose for my grandfather to molest me because neither my father nor my mother was there to protect me, both of whom knew what a pervert he was. I NEVER chose to be conceived and even in my best moments I wish I had never been. YOU CHOSE to do the things you did. I have struggled with my identity for most of my life. I try to make my character flaws better. I try not to play the “it’s my parent’s fault” card… But let’s be honest here, do you really think that you provided a safe environment for me…. This is a catch 22 question, because if you say yes, it’s only because you are too much of an addict to ever realize how perverse your perception of reality really is.
You have a son that is a spitting image of you, to whom you are close, why?? He’s an addict too. Hmmm, let’s see…. Michael doesn’t want anything to do with you. Why??? You’re an addict. Oh, but you’ve brainwashed the addiction clan that Mike’s a douche. I hope that somewhere in your heart (which obviously is cold towards me) that you feel ashamed of how that panned out. You have 2 kids at home, who you and Tina neglected for what, the first 5 years of their lives? Why? Addiction to oxycotin. It is no surprise that Justina has been active since she was that young. Where was the man in her life? He was passed out on the couch. She may hide it from you or maybe you don’t want to believe how bad her self esteem is. She is headed in the wrong direction and your stubborn mentality and that addict philosophy is only going to seal her destination. The truth to this situation, if you hadn’t been so busy taking your pills and passing out all over the place, you may have prevented this. Blame it on being focused on the house, but I saw you passing out again, just like on Armstrong. You couldn’t even hold a conversation. Yet again you have failed. Are you going to hate her when she’s a woman struggling with her identity? Or do you just hate me? Maybe it’s the fact that I persevered after having Adrianna and am within reach of graduation with plans on going to graduate school. Maybe it’s that I appreciate the finer things in life. Maybe it’s just that I chose to never do the drugs that bind you. I don’t know what it is. I just know, I’m tired of thinking it’s my fault. This is your fault. You have never stopped using drugs; you have never made your kids your priority.
This is the last time I will subject myself to your abuse. I have lived accepting and making excuses for you for too long. It stops here. Do not ever contact me again. Do not have someone relay a message for you to me. I do not want anything to do with you ever again. Your hold ends today. Justina has contact information for me, she is free to contact me at any point, but knowing the hateful person you are, I’m sure you will restrict that too. That’s ok, I’m hoping she proves to be a fighter like me and she’ll find me again… Just like Michael and I have over the years. ..
I was the worst moment in your life, now I will no longer burden you.

The death inside me

So, today marks the beginning of the end... A life full of pain, never being wanted, always just a whore. Nothing more than sex for whoever said "you're pretty." I can not continue living in such darkness... It has to end.. I want it to end. I'm tired. It's finally too much. A whole existence and no one ever even wanted me around. I sit here, with no one to talk to. No one is thinking of me right now. No one cares. I hate him. I hate her. I hate everyone. I want them all to die. I want to be there as their last breath escapes. I want to see their warm blood pool under their lifeless body. I want to be the one who has the power to decide their death. It is a never ending cycle. She is fucked. He is fucked. They are all fucked.
I'm cold. I'm empty. I'm dark. I'm void. I'm bitter. I'm determined. You will die. I will rejoice. You have no reason to live.
I will fuck you and decide your fate. You no longer control me. You are scum. You don't deserve to breath.
I HATE! I HATE! I HATE! I HATE! I HATE! I HATE!
DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!