I turn my head and it feels as if it takes a moment for my eyes to catch up. It is just about the weirdest feeling. Also, when I'm driving, my eyes are wide open, taking in the surroundings, as if I'm planning my escape route. I'm sure it is the effects of the lithium... I'm not enjoying this at all.
Lately, I have felt just completely angry. I have contemplated certain actions directed at certain people, that really the world would probably not miss... I hate coming home, I hate going to work, I hate waking up.... I would prefer to fall asleep and just not wake up. I can't pull myself out of this and that pisses me off as well. GGRRR!!!! I hate feeling like I'm not in control! Shane is planning a weekend trip to Niagara Falls for us; I hope that helps wake me back up. He keeps asking me what is wrong, but I don't even know what is wrong. So, I tell him nothing. I'm afraid that since we have come so far and have gotten so close, I am just going to withdraw and mess it all back up. I don't know how long he can love someone who is this confused.
I'm terrified that I can't keep it all together right now. I know I'm panicking, but school is coming up in a couple months and with the way I feel right now, I don't think I can handle it. I am afraid that with this stupid med, I won't be able to balance as much as I am used to. I can't be sitting in class staring into space and expect to pass. It just won't happen. I don't have much more schooling left, I really just need to buckle down and finish. *SIGH*
No comments:
Post a Comment