The beginning of the end

So, after months of nonstop go, a couple episodes of infidelity, it all came to a halt at what I'm going to call the "moment of truth." I had successfully self destructed to the point of no return, had little recollection of said times, and was ready to end my life. I started to drink and take meds, waiting for the moment when no one was there to stop me... Somehow, he saw through me. When I say he saw through me, I mean literally, in every facet of the interpretation. He saw me for the little girl I've always been. He saw me for the woman who couldn't let go. He saw me for the disaster that bipolar had made me. And he didn't walk away.

On April 24th, he admitted me to the hospital under a suicidal watch. I spent 48 hours in that hell, but they put me on medication, and I was set to followup with my personal psychologist the following Monday. Wednesday, May 5, 2010, I started attending an intensive partial hospitalization therapy program. The following entries are different exercises and notes from my days spent in there until today. From this point on, I will log entries separately, on a daily basis.

May 11, 2010 (we had to make a story utilizing key phrases)
Laying in my cozy bed, pondering the worth of my life, I hear the gentle scratching of "the tree branches outside the window." My husband is staring at me questioningly with "big, sad eyes," to which I brutally reply, 'No, I will not write about your penis.' I think back to the days of summer spent with the family I loved so dear. In an effort to win the love of my father, I planned a family camping trip . After much investment and collaboration the event was in place. We spent nights sitting around the bonfire. The magic of the fire enticed all who watched it take like, as it was "dancing with the hot crackling flames." Tina's soul lit up with passion, much like that of "the child's hidden smile" when afraid to reveal joy for it might be stolen. I thought I was "like a butterfly, pinned to a display," hoping my father would love me, accept me. All the years of just like your mother, coursing through my veins. I entered that summer wanting my father's love, I ended that summer with a new best friend. I had gained a person in whom I gave all my trust, all my secrets. My hopes and dreams laid in her hands. After that summer I had gained a person who saw through the lies and facade, and loved who I was. She made me feel better about my dad's feelings for me. I eagerly looked to the start of the next summer; another season spent with family and enjoying life.... Unfortunately this summer was met with her departure from life. I miss everyday without her chats and gruff laugh.
(I cried when I read this to the others)


Nooma. com (rob bell videos)
Luggage -
I will not let what others did to me, determine who I am as a person.
The baggage makes your journey harder


Balance Living Grid - make a grid of 9 squares of what needs attention in your life and how are you going to give that time.
School - 1 hour every other night
Romance - date night every other weekend
Exercise - walk 5 nights a week, start the gym 3x a week
Family-weekend activities
Fun -
Garden - weed small sections at a time
Me -
Culture - visit something 1x a month
House - deep clean 1x biweekly

5-12-10
So sleepy!!! It is only death which is hopeless
Journal about suicide video -
During the video, I found myself relating to the lady who kept rationalizing her worthlessness as a mother. I often feel like my emotional issues do more harm to my children then good. It would set them free of my baggage if I were not around.
I thought about the emotional state of my daughter. Have I ever put too much pressure on her where she felt the need to escape. It breaks my heart to even consider the impact of her committing suicide on my life, on the life of our family. She has so much of me coursing through her veins, as I do with my own mother. I hope the cycle breaks.
Then I think about Mike's suicide. I remember how it killed my mom. She never got over that void in her life.
Where am I now?


5-13-10
I'm starting to wonder if this is a waste of time... Am I ever going to feel better?

10 Things that are important to me
1.My son
2.My daughter
3.My laptop
4.My cellphone
5.My garden
6.My husband
7.My education
8.My cat
9.My occasional chair
10.My memories

5 Positive Affirmations
1.Sense of Humor
2.Smart
3.Dedicated/Focused
4.Gardener
5.Mediocre Driver


5-16-10 (I went to church for the first time in 10+ years)
*Happy Birthday Tina*
"God's highest priority in creation is the family." - Pastor Jeanette

"The little foxes spoil the vineyard."

Ephesians 4-6
1. Mutual, genuine respect and value for each member, "tell me more about that," when you disagree.
speak to a person based on and addressing those needs

2. Biblical Submission. The church is strong, a leader. Respect our husband's needs, that I'm one with him.

3. For husbands to have a godly love for their wives, love your wife all day long.


5-18-10
Grief

Men Women
don't cry cries (sad)
vengeful bitch (anger)
anger sad (safe feeling)

1.Denial/Shock/Disbelief
2.Bargaining
3.Guilt/Shame/Self Blame
4.Anger (men)/Depression (women)
5.Acceptance/Forgiveness

You can go back to other stages - something can trigger a relapse

Unresolved grief accumulates.
Journal the earliest time getting hurt.

"It's difficult to think back to the earliest recollection of getting hurt... Wow, I think my whole childhood was full of pain. I'm assuming my feelings of abandonment are due to my father's incarceration when I was about 3. He was put in prison in Texas for drug trafficking with the intent to distribute. I don't remember the bust, nor do I remember him going to prison... I just remember shortly after talking to him on the phone back home in Indiana. He was my world back then; I was definitely a daddy's girl to the core. Sigh, but he was gone, for a long time. He wasn't there to protect me from my grandpa's roaming hands. He wasn't there to prevent me from witnessing my mom's fiance's suicide. He wasn't there to save her from being murdered. Instead, when he was around, he was evil. He beat her and yelled. He scared me to the core. He came home a different daddy. He came home a stranger. I didn't love him anymore."

Grief - Loss -
sadness home
anger family
bargaining hopes
denial dreams
journal writing car
hate job
bitterness etc
self medication
etc

Advised to start an accomplishment file - write down daily accomplishments.

5/19/10
I lost myself
have I outgrown Shane?
Watching the flag wave, I start thinking, "should I move on?"
Indiana flag, ascension flag, US flag
Is it Just me??

15 things I do to impress
1.Shower
2.Dress
3.Cook Food
4.Joke
5.Do well in class
6.Post random philosophical quotes on facebook
7.Facebook fan pages
8.Drink Wine
9.Journal
10.Buy expensive things
11.MAC
12.hike
13.camp
14.smile
15.very overwhelming
Laid out the "yet" note for Shane


5/20/10
The steps of addiction
What are my addictions
Wat are these addictions covering for?
How are these addictions affecting my life?


3 Rules of a broken home -
1. Don't trust
2. Don't talk
3. Don't feel
We use these so we don't feel

5/21/10
Balanced living grid -
1.Relationship with Adrianna
2.Relationship with Seth
3.Spirituality
4.Gardening/Yard Work
5.School
6.Culture
7.Gym
8.Romance
9.Me

avoid the ALL OR NOTHING mentality

Do you like yourself?

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! Take me... or leave me. Accept me or walk away... If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad, you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you." Stacey Charter

(My response to this proclamation)
I do agree, however it is much easier said than done. My standing up and shouting consists of defensive reactions. But, I can't say, "See me! For me!" I feel like shit these days. I'm not moving forward. I'm in darkness and I'm SO lost. I'm telling people to leave me, but hoping they'll take me. But they never do. I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to decide that I need a change or strong enough to start a change, let alone love myself.

Define emptiness

Externalize and name the infidelity.

Stop calling myself the issue - I'm not a whore, I'm not bipolar, I struggle with bipolar and infidelity.

Still need to make my accomplishment file.

5/25/10

A day in the life of a friend....
I often question my value as a wife because of my husband's addiction. I'm sure he loves me, but why can't I live up to his demands for sex. I wish I wanted it more, but it has become a chore, much like that of dish washing or dusting. It needs done, more frequently than I do it, but I don't don't want to!

I've lost touch with myself and being a beautiful woman. I struggle with feeling pretty and confident when I'm being controlled in all I do. I long for the confidence and sense of beauty I used to have when I would dress up and wear my make up.

I struggle with getting out of bed and having a purpose with life. Sometimes I think is too much. I keep setting myself up for failure with the men I choose. I see the pattern, but just can't seem to pull out of this cycle. I'm afraid this is the best I can do, that no one else would want me with my depression issues.

I'm so confused with my next twist in my journey. I think that I know what to do, but I'm so afraid of doing that. By staying with my husband I have somewhat of a financial security... At least I'll have money to spend. If I leave him, I'll struggle and have to go on welfare. I don't want to go there!!! So, I give up happiness for a false sense of security or risk possible financial failure to work on improving me and navigating the road to happiness as a whole, healthy individual.


Self Esteem -
10 Positive Affirmations
1.Intuitive
2.Educated
3.Caring
4.Good Cook
5.Loving
6.Nurturing Mommy
7.Can Read and Write
8.Humorous
9.Magnetic Personality
10.Good Listener

10 Achievements
1.Went back to school
2.Had a son
3.Had a daughter
4.Made my son smile
5.Made a new friend
6.Gave someone comfort/solace
7.Showered and dressed
8.Planted a Garden
9.Made a fire pit
10.Witnessed my friend's water birth

10 Positives about your body (Love your body)
1.Big boobs
2.Strong calves
3.Shapely thighs
4.Hazel eyes
5.Lips
6.Hair color
7.Small wrists
8.Smallish ankles
9.Ten toes
10.Ten fingers

Practice saying NO

Set my own standards and stick to them

Be healthy.

5-27-10
I need a plan!
P90x for weight loss

1st time I felt optimistic. There may be hope for me. I've moved from self hate to self identity.

I wish I could cry like others. I still fight the tears when I feel them coming on.

I do not have to identify myself with my past actions. I have many great attributes. Caring, educated, innovative, fighter, determined, human, mother, sensitive, I've made mistakes, but I'm learning from them. A crisis can be the best opportunity for growth.

Hi! My name is Jamie and I HAVE bipolar.