Turn some music on, laugh, have a drink....

The day started slowly, as I watched the clock ticking away at the last minutes of her life. I knew as I entered the day, that I was only going to be faced with grief and sadness. Remembering that last day has plagued my mind for the last year. Dropping the phone in dismay, just to question why this would ever happen to such an amazing woman. IT WASN'T FAIR!!!!

I've found myself saying that a lot lately. "It wasn't fair..." As if I have some monopoly on fairness and the court jester has threatened my stock. Maybe it wasn't fair, but I've asked myself who determines the fairness of a situation on several occasions. The answer is basically the same, "pull your ass out of the pity well." How fair is it, that I want Tina to come back and live in suffering so that I can have one last shoulder to cry on? How fair is it for me to think I'm the ONLY one that matters in this? How FAIR would it be to her, to know that I am falling apart inside, especially since she would work so hard to build me up? The answer - It isn't fair. I'll always miss her, and I highly doubt I'll ever think it was fair. However, as she once told me, "It is for the best," and I do believe her. I believe that she is safe, happy and overall better off in her new home. <3

As we drove to her resting place... Well, the place where she is buried, I remembered driving down that road before. She was so happy that day, laughing as I frequently had to slow down and speed up. Tears welled in my eyes, knowing that I would never again enjoy such a ride.

The afternoon was filled with the usually self centered banter of distant family members. Thinking that no one else cared what the meaning behind today was, I was filled with anger and disappointment. Was I the ONLY one who knew we were supposed to be sad?!?!?! ::sigh:: She would have never wanted everyone sitting around and moping over her. I can hear that gruff, but friendly voice chastising my depressing mentality. "Turn some music on, laugh, have a drink..."

She's one of the most amazing women I know. Not only did she survive a horrific childhood, she was in a dysfunctional marriage, raising 2 step children, fighting addictions, and amazingly made everyone else the center of her world. I'll never be able to completely fill that void; I'll always miss her terribly... but I hope one day I can strive to be more like her.