I wake up to my husband sitting on the side of the bed, with that defeated hunch in his spine. ::sigh:: I've seen this all too many times before. He is in a "moment..." a moment in which he is heavily plagued with doubt regarding our relationship and the multiple betraying infractions that I've victimized him with in my ever intoxicating manic state. ::sigh:: This is an awful way to start a day.
"How's your period?"
I'm puzzled by the question, but reply that it is lightening up.
"How was it yesterday?"
Now I know where he is going with this. Was my period light enough to have met up with someone and committed another act of infidelity? I'm overwhelmed with sadness, defeat and hopelessness. Is everyone right? Will my marriage end in divorce due to the behaviors of an untreated disease? I'm pissed that I can't do enough to prove that I'm changing. I'm trying my best to keep focused and better myself. Instead of beating myself up over my past decisions, I work on detaching the behavior from the person I am. I don't want to be a whore. I don't want to betray those around me. I want to be whole, healthy and happy. Will it ever be enough?
This incident stems from 2 hours of unaccountable time that I was shopping instead. It was a struggle to not spend more. I tried to keep on task. I'm not perfect, I'm going to make mistakes, but I'm trying.
These "moments" only further complicate my mission of self improvement. He is slowly killing me and I fear that I will become another statistic in bipolar marriages. This is such an overwhelming start to a weekend that was supposed to be full of family fun. I hope I can make it through, but to be honest, it isn't looking likely.
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