When all hope is gone, all that remains is the bitterness and hatred of the past. Paint on that smile, pretend it is all well and happiness abounds. You'll always know the truth of pure hopelessness. "The fever becomes my home."
Walk forward, shedding the past as if you are shedding weights of tattered old clothing... Feel the pressure start to dissipate... Rebirth and new hope.
I haven't blogged in forever, with the exception of posting my dream from the other night. I spent just about the whole damn summer in depression, only escaping a day here and a day there for a moment of solace. It sucked hard core. I would go up to 3 days without taking a shower (I never go a day without a shower)... But, then again, there was no reason to shower, I had no plans to leave my bedroom, let alone my house. My quality of life just seemed so bleak. I had given up on the hope of ever being whole, healthy, complete... I just wanted to die.
Death became very consuming. I planned the place... the people I would text (of course I couldn't call, they might try to talk me out of it)... The letters I would write, explaining it wasn't them, that I DID love them and wanted them to live to happy and healthy.... The vehicle I would take (one of our cars is paid off, the other is not. I figured if I took the one that wasn't paid off, he could give it up to the bank, wouldn't have the reminder of my body in the front seat, and would still have a paid off vehicle). Yeah, I think I had every detail figured out. My method of execution has always been overdosing. There didn't seem to be another option.
I knew all the things I would say to someone else that wanted to die.. How sad I would be that this wonderful person couldn't see the light... See that there was a way out, but it just took time. I would cry for the babies they would leave behind, the hopelessness that seemed to be overhead. I would beg them to get the help they DESERVED... These words didn't matter to me. "My family would be better off without me," kept control of my thoughts. I wanted out, I wanted to be free of it all. Call me selfish, call me hypocritical, call me what you must; it doesn't change the mindset I was in.
The light came.
Almost a week ago, the filter was removed and a few rays of sunshine came in. The next day, was even better with me finally leaving the house for a visit to the orchard and my father's house. Progressively, I've started to feel better and my motivation is returning. At times, I've become quite overwhelmed in needing to go more... I fear that I may enter in mania... Maybe, I'm just afraid of myself being level. I honestly don't know about myself, anymore.
The downside to being out the hell hole of depression is that I start to evaluate my life. I now feel there are things that I desperately need to change, people that I need to shed, goals that I need to complete. This is not the life I want for myself and my children. I want to teach them that they can be strong and independent and that people may try to bring them down, but they can stand against that and conquer all self doubt. Unfortunately, these changes hurt other people. I'm so tired of having to give up my happiness for the happiness of others. Yet, here I am trying to sabotage the opportunity at happiness, even if it is a fleeting happiness, so that other people aren't hurt by me. I cry out, "Why don't I matter????"
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