Monday, July 5, 2010

Suicide Cry

This is my second post for today; not because I'm some new blogger and this excites me, but because on the drive home the suicidal thoughts popped back up. These 'personal death wishes' have plagued pretty heavily upon my mind as of late. All in all, however, I have personal death wishes on a daily basis. I'm constantly looking around to find my means of 'escape.'

Hmmmm, I don't think escape is the best way to look at this. I don't think about suicide, for the most part, as a means of escape from the world. Although, that is definitely the case for some of them. In reality, I consider suicide like the ultimate message. You write this goodbye letter followed by the ultimate act of seriousness. .. "See, I'm not bull shitting, I really do feel sorry, alone, hate, pain, etc..."

Which leads me to today... I'm driving home from an excruciating scenic dog walk, when I think about all the people I've hurt. I've destroyed lines of trust in multiple relationships, lost friendships that I had had for years, and now there is nothing I can do to show them how sorry I am... EXCEPT, if I ended my life because of my remorse. Then they'd finally believe me. They'd have to, right. Who would end their life to leave a lie as the message....

Sigh... I probably won't do it. I'm a chicken for one. But, besides the fear of pain and failing at suicide (that sucks), I love my babies too much to do it. If it wasn't for having them and a strong husband who doesn't need suicide to see my sorrow, self disappointment, and remorse, I know I wouldn't still be here. With them, I'm a stronger person, a better person, a striving person.

Maybe these other people will never see how the disorder has impacted me, negatively and positively, but the people that matter see me for who I am. I long for the day that I can walk away from my past and leave it lie... Until then, I'll continue to struggle, as all of my dear friends with bipolar do.

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