Dream interpretation.

Ok, so I had this dream last night that had me so scared I had to wake Shane up to turn on the bathroom light so I could pee! I watched a show the other day about dream symbolism and now I find myself looking for things in my dreams. So, I decided to post this one and get your insight if you enjoy this type of thing!

I was standing in front of my home, which was represented as a country home that needed some repairs, but wasn't completely worn down. I was Dr. House and I had a wife and young child (about 1-2 years old). I don't remember my wife's appearance, but I think my child, whom I feel like was a girl, had blond locks. There was a large field next to our home that we did not maintain. It was mainly one produce, except there was a portion that was the farmers personal gardener. There were a few workers in his garden and I kept going over there and stealing stuff. I stole a tomato off a vine that had been sliced and wrapped in plastic wrap, a couple watermelons and a couple pumpkins. My wife kept telling me to stop, but I told her that he wouldn't notice. As I was stealing the last pumpkin, which was shaped with flat sides and almost looked like a heart, we heard screaming from across the street. (Across the street was our shed with a fridge that I was putting the watermelon in, and another large field. There were more workers in this field) I somehow knew people were getting butchered with a knife in that field and yelled at my wife to go into our home and lock the doors. She wanted me to go with her,but I had to put the pumpkin in the shed. So, I ran across the street into the shed and locked the door. I tried to squat down so this person, whom I didn't see but knew it was a girl with blond locks, wouldn't see me. Suddenly she was outside the window I was sitting under and she says to me, "House, I have to stop doing this."

Then I woke up...

So, I read that dreams are usually linked to events from the previous day or the upcoming day and are represented by symbols.

So, yesterday I didn't sleep well the night before, but did get up to go to a class I do not like and hadn't been to in almost 2 weeks. I got Seth off to school and headed to class. First I stopped at the bank and deposited a check, then McDonalds to get breakfast. When I went to pay, I couldn't find my debit card, so I drove to school. I sat in my van for a few minutes searching for my debit card and griping at Shane because I thought he took it. Then up to spanish. It was a bit stressful because I didn't know the material. I did a lot of guessing. After class I discussed my progress with my teacher and she said she thought I could still pass the class and we talked about my bipolar and how it was affecting my attendance and my anxieties. It was a good meeting. Following that I had lunch with a girlfriend of mine and had a great visit. Then home. I did a few facebook postings, Shane got home from work, and I took a 2 hour nap. Seth got home from school at 3:35, we left at 4:30 to pay the gas bill and got a coke (yummy). We discussed my health and my changes since the April breakdown. Then to pick up Adrianna from bridges, and take Seth to football practice (5:00) Nothing much was going on, we decided to have carryout for dinner and left to get that with our 2 dogs at 6:30. Picked the kids up from the park at 7, had dinner and watched some Simpsons, House. Took meds about 8. Wrote some motherly advice in Adrianna's new journal. Asleep by 9:30.

Today, I just have a field trip with Seth to an apple orchard and mail a check out. No classes, but I do need to study my spanish.

My interpretation -

Being represented by an actor could mean that I am feeling unsure of myself (and this does apply for schooling, for sure)

Being male represents stubborn, determined and forceful

Wife - "close connection, unity, belief"

Family - "your general happiness - your personality as a whole and in particular your judgment" - not sure how a wife and blonde child represent my happiness... The wife was holding the child on her hip... Maybe since it wasn't my family it was a disconnected since in regards to happiness.

The house - "The house can symbolize "the self" so house dreams can often link to health issues." - I've already mentioned my health and I have a plethora of health issues. The house was worn down, so that makes sense.

The garden - Gardens link to ideas , habits, relationships that are growing on us and becoming deeply meaningful. - Really not sure on that one.

The stealing - links to issues of self respect, prestige and recognition. - My card IS missing, and that can reflect on respecting my property...

The vegetables - basic needs in life - meeting a balanced set of basic needs - hmm, I feel like stealing from the garden should be one tied in message, but this don't seem to correlate to one another.

The field - "Some problem or situation neatly sectioned off" "Thinking of some problem" - Hmmm, that could be between the spanish or the medication or even that I'm driving to this orchard on my own... I get a little anxious about that kind of thing. There were the 2 fields, so maybe I have 2 issues... but, I'll be honest, I don't think any issue of mine is neatly sectioned off! lol

Protecting (the family) - "put up an emotional barrier - excluding something - resist some idea" - Well if the theme is staying the same I'm thinking it's about the meds and my own well being.

The killer - Youth - Eager and enthusiastic: Child - a need to protect; Blonde - surface level, superficial - Got nothing here

The killing - "they usually revolve around the wish to resist or stop something" - I've been fighting my bipolar treatment for some time. Or it may be I'm trying to break free of the control from Shane.

The knife - "Highly Involved, interested, really understanding, arguments" - I argue passionately over my medication with Shane... As well, we just had the fuss over my debit card (which I still don't know where it is, in the past he has taken it to curb my spending).

Hiding - "Hiding in a simple sense may suggest that you feel lacking in confidence or that there are overwhelming forces up against you in some way. But hiding may also link to the truth. You may feel that you have not accepted the truth or that you are deceiving yourself." - This is definitely true in general... I also struggle accepting bipolar

The Shed - cast away, throw away, discard - Interesting.

Being Found - "FOUND come to a conclusion on something - understand totally someone elses behavior FOUND explore some new feeling FOUND lay the foundations for some new idea"

Well, I think my take on it, is that I'm struggling with the truth of my diagnosis and the control Shane has over my medication/treatment/life.

What do you think? Maybe I'm missing something or maybe there is another way to process this. I'd love your input. If you are interested in the website I used, it is http://www.unclesirbobby.org.uk/dreamessay.php

My friend, Wendy's interpretation -

"When I interpret dreams, I interpret them the way I would for myself... so, if this doesn't even pertain to anything in your life, it's just how I read them. Here's my very short interpretation...

house = subconscious
garden = inner growth & stability

I feel that the little girl represents your 'inner child' and the grown up represents you. The two completely different 'shelters' represent two areas of you inner psyche. The home represents the warmth and safety side... the shed represents an area of your psyche that you are working on filling with 'stability'. However, just as you pick that last pumpkin, and think that the shed is finally going to be filled with produce 'inner-growth & stability'; you fear something horrible is happening, which causes that feeling of stability to go away making you feel unstable, vulnerable, afraid and trapped as you hide in fear from this child ~ disconnected from the warmth of your home.

Inner house represents inward appearance/subconscious. Outer house represents outward appearance/consciousness. If the inner house has levels, it represents different areas of the subconscious. The basement would represent your deep subconscious."

Letter 3 - Dear Shane (spouse)

Dear Shane,

I just want to start by saying that I've never loved anyone, the way that I love you. I don't think there are words to express how much I cherish you as my husband.

I know things started with an intense passion which led to our rocky struggles. You never cease to amaze me with your perseverance and dedication. Even when times have been at the worst imaginable, you have stayed by my side. You inspire me to continue working on who I am and who I want to be. To you, I give my heart, mind and soul... my all.

I hope for a future of wholeness, health, well being, and an immense joy. With you, I know that I will have the happiness I've longed for. You make me a better person!

I can't wait until we renew our vows on a sunny beach in California. I long to see your face as I devote myself to you and our family. We have such an amazing life together and some wonderful things to look forward to in our future.

I love you bunny, now and for all eternity!

Jamie

Letter 2 - Dear Stacy

Dear Stacy,

I miss you like crazy girl!

You know, our friendship is truly a blessing for me. I wish I would have been the strong friend you needed throughout the years. I thought of myself and no one else. As we both can see, that behavior really caught up to me. You amaze me for being able to stay around after all the bad I've done to all in my life. There are no words to explain how grateful I am to have a friend like you.

I hate being nearly across the country from you! However, I know that someday we will be reunited, either on earth or in heaven... But, hopefully on earth first, lol.

So, I was listening to the Sunday School lesson and they asked, if Jesus is the first man in your life. (I thought of you and your dedication when I heard this) I know that I am struggling with this. It is easy to put God aside, I think, as if it was a part of your life (like yoga), but not the full life.... making my husband and kids my full life. I have to work on this. It is still awkward for me, being a Christian again. I pray it gets more natural, it doesn't have to be easier... I would just like to be able to say "Jesus" without feeling strange.

You know just about everything there is to know about me. You've seen the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and you still support me. Just as I feel Tina's death was meant as a shock effect, something meant to get me on track. I think that night we met up on myspace again, after all those years, that was meant to put you back as a mentor for me... or maybe it was to benefit us both. Either way, I know God is working through those around me, to pull me back in. I have a purpose... still trying to fine tune it, but at least I'm not stuck in my rut anymore.

I wonder where this path is meant to take us. Wherever it is, I hope that you will still be by myside. You are the best friend that I have ever had. I love you bunches girlie!

Love,

Jamie

Letter 1 - Dear Adrianna

Dear Adrianna,

You are growing into such a beautiful lady. I am so proud to be your mother. I hope to instill in you a sense of pride and confidence, because while you are a beauty, this doesn't get you to a safe and fulfilling place in life. It's a joy to see how you grow and develop on a daily basis.

I often fear the impact I'm having on you as a mother. I know it must be difficult to have a mother with bipolar. My greatest fear is passing this disorder to you or your brother. While I feel it will be a blessing in disguise for me, it is still a daily struggle; a struggle that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm sorry for the way I am towards you and this family on occasion. When I'm in a mood, it isn't directed toward any of you.

I know you don't always understand the way things work or why things happen. Your grandma's death was such a hard experience for you. I'm glad to see that you are working through your feelings by writing. Writing and keeping a journal, I belief, is one of the best means of working through your emotions. You are such a talented writer at such a young age. It's amazing to see your determination to become a stronger writer. You will never cease to amaze me.

One thing I want you to walk away with is knowing that you have the ability to conquer the challenges that will be presented in the course of your life. You have so much of me in you and the women in this family are fighters. You've got this!

I love you and always will. You are my little princess no matter how old you get. <3


Love,

Your Mommy

Suicide Cry

This is my second post for today; not because I'm some new blogger and this excites me, but because on the drive home the suicidal thoughts popped back up. These 'personal death wishes' have plagued pretty heavily upon my mind as of late. All in all, however, I have personal death wishes on a daily basis. I'm constantly looking around to find my means of 'escape.'

Hmmmm, I don't think escape is the best way to look at this. I don't think about suicide, for the most part, as a means of escape from the world. Although, that is definitely the case for some of them. In reality, I consider suicide like the ultimate message. You write this goodbye letter followed by the ultimate act of seriousness. .. "See, I'm not bull shitting, I really do feel sorry, alone, hate, pain, etc..."

Which leads me to today... I'm driving home from an excruciating scenic dog walk, when I think about all the people I've hurt. I've destroyed lines of trust in multiple relationships, lost friendships that I had had for years, and now there is nothing I can do to show them how sorry I am... EXCEPT, if I ended my life because of my remorse. Then they'd finally believe me. They'd have to, right. Who would end their life to leave a lie as the message....

Sigh... I probably won't do it. I'm a chicken for one. But, besides the fear of pain and failing at suicide (that sucks), I love my babies too much to do it. If it wasn't for having them and a strong husband who doesn't need suicide to see my sorrow, self disappointment, and remorse, I know I wouldn't still be here. With them, I'm a stronger person, a better person, a striving person.

Maybe these other people will never see how the disorder has impacted me, negatively and positively, but the people that matter see me for who I am. I long for the day that I can walk away from my past and leave it lie... Until then, I'll continue to struggle, as all of my dear friends with bipolar do.

Introducing Bootsie

Well, I've taken myself off two meds, klonopin and abilify. My mood was elevated for awhile, but now it seems to be coming down. Most of this facebook stuff is just a chore. I'm read to sleep days away in my bed. I keep thinking I need a baby sitter for my kids so that they are being taken care of while I just sleep. I don't know how people make it through years of med changes and psychotherapy.... I'm ready to throw the towel in after just a few months.

I visit with people and mentally I'm begging to go home, while my shell seems so pleasant and happy. I feel like a fraud, a liar, just a pawn. However, this is the person that everyone likes. No one likes the Jamie that stays in bed, hates life, and wishes she could die.

A positive to my week.. I got a new puppy, named Bootsie. She makes me smile.....

"Our ACTIONS are the SPRING (WOW, powerful words) of our HAPPINESS or MISERY."
PHILIP SKELTON

I used to think, this guy must not know a thing about mental diseases... Try being bipolar for just a day and maybe he'd get it. But you know, as I sit here, withdrawing from the Abilify that I, yes I, decided to wean off of, I realize that I am taking actions that spring forth my happiness or misery.

Doctors seems to get paid a lot to listen very little. After walking away from a hopeful new doctor, I was told he'd rather I stay with my current dr. I don't see my psychiatrist for another month and I'm going through serious physical issues.... he's just that booked. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! What the hell does it take to get treated here? Hospitalization. I'm ready for that, again, ALREADY. Just SOMEONE to listen to me and help me figure this out. I don't want drugs. I don't want babied. I just want to feel better. Is that really that much to ask????

So, I decided, to start my own experiment. Maybe not the brightest idea, but it is going to have to work until I finally get help over the next few months. I say eff the medical field.

Here I am, AGAIN, up at 2 am after falling asleep at 8pm. I shouldn't be awake... I assume the ambien has worn off. I'm so tired of all of this. So, I sit at my cheaply made desk and notice the parking stubs from camping 2 years ago. Has it really been two years since we went camping with her? ::sigh:: I'd rather not linger. I make a plea to the warm chamomile to quickly calm my energetic self tonight. As it stands, I've sorted through a pretty impressive pile of papers and now I'm compelled to journal. I made log for moods last month, but never used it. I'm feeling rather foolish now that I have an appointment with a new Dr tomorrow. I am hoping that this dr can mean some change. I honestly can't continue to live in this state. I couldn't manage class today and when we took the kids to swim, I spent most of it in the truck, ready to go home. Am I really disabled? Am I really meant to live on like this. I've reached out as much as I think I can, to no relief... It's just too much anymore.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uD8DlxwHsE

The Bipolar Plea

SEE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I AM NOT!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I SEE ME!!
SEE ME THROUGH IT ALL!!
See me for me......

I am not another "one"
Lost to the land of crazies.
I am desperately searching,
for a way, the right way.
It may take me awhile,
This path is unlit and daunting,
But don't forget the person you once knew....

The person you once knew.
The person who laughed with you.
The person who grasped onto a logical reality.
That person is me.
I'm still here, somewhere


Some... where....
Come.... here....
See... me....
Save... me....

My rock, my foundation.... MY BESTFRIEND

Best Friend -
1) Person that brings the best out of you.
2) Person that holds you by a higher standard.
3) Person that is supportive of you and your growth as a person.

I used to think I had a lot of best friends... I had all kinds of girls to party with, male bash with, be completely immoral with. I found though, that the minute things changed in my life, ie, I didn't party, I didn't screw around, I needed support, then I was all alone. All my friends were off still doing what we had done TOGETHER and none of them wanted the boring Jamie. I realized today that I have one true friend, other than God. This true friend may possibly be my guardian angel.



I met Stacy when I was about 13 years old. I had always been a trouble maker and so had she. We spent many days, lying and tricking our parents for our fancy of the hour. Oh the fun we had!!

Time passed and we grew, or rather she grew closer to God and stronger in her convictions, while I grew further from God and more deceptive. We stopped talking, as I no longer affiliated with those 'judgmental christian types.' She spent those years on her knees, praying for me to come back to the Lord. I spent those years sewing corruption.

One day, on myspace, she came across my profile. We hit off our friendship as before. This time, although I was agnostic/atheist, I was responsive to her opinions. If I confided that I was doing something immoral, she was there to scold, but to also reassure.

When I lost all the people I thought were my friends, I looked around at the empty lot and there she was, holding me up. When the world judged me as bipolar, she proudly stood next to me, wearing her "I'm the friend of someone with bipolar" pin.

BECAUSE of her support as a friend, I have reached out to many others with bipolar. BECAUSE of her strength as a friend, I am challenging myself to become a better, stronger person. BECAUSE of her undying love, I know I can love with the purest love. BECAUSE she held my hand across the distance of land, I will one day hold the hand of many and offer the same gifts she has given me.

She may never know the value I with her and the true friendship we share, but it is a friendship that I wouldn't have survived with. She is truly my gift from God.

I love you Stacy, for the person you are and the person you make me strive to be!

The Soothing Effect of a Soft Storm

The gentle rumble of thunder calms my inner child in the midst of her tantrum. Outside my window I hear the sounds of rubber tires splashing in the swollen street beds and it peacefully persuades her eyes to flutter shut. The tip tap of raindrops on the window pane sweetly stills her agitates soul, while the tic toc of the clock on the wall above slips her into a deep trance of solace.

These feelings of agitation, restlessness, and panic have become all too familiar recently. The monster of anxiety has lurked in the darkness, preying upon moments of childlike innocence and enjoyment; destroying all that is held close and cherished at all costs. There has been no defeating this villain, with all attempts resulting in the most fierce restriction of the heart and lungs. With skin crawling, I live in retreat. "STOP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!" I scream out, but to the world it is a mere rustle of the wind; leaves stirring and loose dirt stinging the eyes. I cry, "Why don't you help me? Why don't you hear me? I'm right here!!!" Unfortunately, right here is amongst the shadows, the darkest corners of the world. The hustle and bustle of society is heard all around me; the gentle rain turned more persistent, the splashing tires now create waves of despair in my world.

In the shadows I exist, feeling alone and destitute. All the friends in the world and there is no one to hear my pleas for help. But for now, at least I have the gentle rumble of thunder calming my inner child in the midst of her tantrum, the sounds of rubber tires splashing in the swollen street beds peacefully persuading her eyes to flutter shut, the tip tap of raindrops on the window pane sweetly stilling her agitates soul, with the tic toc of the clock on the wall above slipping her into a deep trance of solace.

Are you ready for a fight?

More and more I start to question my denial of God... I find that I've received messages and people have entered my life at times when I've needed them most. I can no longer assume fate/karma can have such a strong impact on my life. Nope, this must be something stronger, something bigger, SOMEONE with a PLAN for my life. It is still awkward to say "God this," or "God that," but the clumsiness I assume will fade in time. I'm finally at a point that I want to believe in something. This emptiness has become overwhelming... even with the sea of smiling faces at my window.

I look around me and all I see is care and concern for someone as small and insignificant as me. I've been blessed to meet people on here from around the world. These demographic strangers have influenced me more than my closest friend around the bend. All the people in my life, make it worth living... They give me reason to wake another day, good or bad, and embark upon the next twist of my journey. Without my family and friends, both close and online, I don't believe I would have had the strength to move on.

I fell tired the other night working on my blog. I ended with "Is bipolar easy?" Heck no, it's not! However, I have faith that once I manage it, instead of it managing me that I'll find the happiness I so long for. I wouldn't change a day of my life... Mistakes, betrayals, losses, loves, memories, successes. These things have given me something to fight for. I fight to overcome those negatives and I fight to achieve more positives.

Today was a rough day, but I ended it grateful for having another day to share with my family and friends.

The Beauty Within

The last few days have wore on my mental state, however, as I've read many comments regarding "madness," "curse," "mental hell," I can't help but to feel like I'm lucky to have this beautiful challenge.

Is having bipolar easy?

The high tide of dispair has it's ugly crest at my heels...

The menacing face of my mania demon has reared it's head my way and is threatening my defeat. I'm overwhelmed with this ghost of past mistakes haunting my every moment, both waking and in the depth of my dreams. My heart screams, "MAKE IT STOP!!!" There is no relief in sight, I'm bound by disease. BIPOLAR, BIPOLAR, BIPOLAR... The chant fills my thoughts and capsizes any hope for a brighter tomorrow. Death seems inevitable.. but all around me I see the reasons for my existence. It seems that I must be destined to a life of mediocre fulfillment in order to maintain the balance in the life's of those I love.

I woke this morning with the urge to take my life at the cost of the world I've created. I chose to embark on the day, against every whim flowing through my body. The day progressively worsened and by 7 pm, I felt the day was wasted time, I should have been woman enough to say goodbye to it all. I'm pretty tired. I'll sleep tonight and hope for a brighter tomorrow....

Impending doom???

It seems as if the more things look up, the more they fall backwards in the same breath. I've been feeling pretty great the last few days... Unfortunately, I believe it may be too great. I'm not one to want to find the negative in all things positive, however the signs are starting to appear. A couple days ago, I went on a spending spree... Thankfully the spree wasn't complete collateral damage, but it was there, nonetheless. The following day, I allowed my anger and irritation to spike it's ugly head. My anger, probably much like the anger of many people with bipolar, is the stake in the heart. I don't just get angry, I get hateful, spiteful, vengeful... all things that shoot arrows through the heart of whoever happens to be the victim to my foe thoughts. The icing on this cake, my binge eating. Yep, I ate about a whole box of cereal AFTER already eating lunch and a dingdong. Hell, I can feel the fat adding to my beautiful muffin-top.
So now, here it is after one in the morning, I have to be up in just six hours and my ass is wide awake, pissing around on the internet.

I'm about frantic worrying about the impending mania. These meds didn't last long at all... Someone help me, I think I'm failing.

You light up my senses

Sitting cross legged on the limestone jutting out over the filled quarry, the cool breeze off the translucent blue-green water brushing my face, I'm filled with the most peculiar sensation. I'm void of depression, hate, anger, anxiety... all the familiar feelings that plague my everyday life. The confusion lifts as the edges of my lips turn up... I'm smiling, sincerely, for the first time in well over ten years. I'm surrounded by the three most important people in my life. My darling daughter, her mahogany hair flickering gently around her face, sits beside me, desperately seeking out a school of bluegill fish. My charming son, donned with streaks of mud reflecting his rambunctious personality, is searching for another rock to hurdle into the rippling waters. The strength of our family, my compassionate husband, stands several feet above us, watching as if his pure pleasure in life was to ensure the happiness of his loved ones.

Sitting cross legged on the limestone jutting out over the filled quarry, the cool breeze off the translucent blue-green water brushing my face, I'm filled with an immense happiness.

Marital Bliss

I wake up to my husband sitting on the side of the bed, with that defeated hunch in his spine. ::sigh:: I've seen this all too many times before. He is in a "moment..." a moment in which he is heavily plagued with doubt regarding our relationship and the multiple betraying infractions that I've victimized him with in my ever intoxicating manic state. ::sigh:: This is an awful way to start a day.

"How's your period?"
I'm puzzled by the question, but reply that it is lightening up.

"How was it yesterday?"
Now I know where he is going with this. Was my period light enough to have met up with someone and committed another act of infidelity? I'm overwhelmed with sadness, defeat and hopelessness. Is everyone right? Will my marriage end in divorce due to the behaviors of an untreated disease? I'm pissed that I can't do enough to prove that I'm changing. I'm trying my best to keep focused and better myself. Instead of beating myself up over my past decisions, I work on detaching the behavior from the person I am. I don't want to be a whore. I don't want to betray those around me. I want to be whole, healthy and happy. Will it ever be enough?

This incident stems from 2 hours of unaccountable time that I was shopping instead. It was a struggle to not spend more. I tried to keep on task. I'm not perfect, I'm going to make mistakes, but I'm trying.

These "moments" only further complicate my mission of self improvement. He is slowly killing me and I fear that I will become another statistic in bipolar marriages. This is such an overwhelming start to a weekend that was supposed to be full of family fun. I hope I can make it through, but to be honest, it isn't looking likely.

Turn some music on, laugh, have a drink....

The day started slowly, as I watched the clock ticking away at the last minutes of her life. I knew as I entered the day, that I was only going to be faced with grief and sadness. Remembering that last day has plagued my mind for the last year. Dropping the phone in dismay, just to question why this would ever happen to such an amazing woman. IT WASN'T FAIR!!!!

I've found myself saying that a lot lately. "It wasn't fair..." As if I have some monopoly on fairness and the court jester has threatened my stock. Maybe it wasn't fair, but I've asked myself who determines the fairness of a situation on several occasions. The answer is basically the same, "pull your ass out of the pity well." How fair is it, that I want Tina to come back and live in suffering so that I can have one last shoulder to cry on? How fair is it for me to think I'm the ONLY one that matters in this? How FAIR would it be to her, to know that I am falling apart inside, especially since she would work so hard to build me up? The answer - It isn't fair. I'll always miss her, and I highly doubt I'll ever think it was fair. However, as she once told me, "It is for the best," and I do believe her. I believe that she is safe, happy and overall better off in her new home. <3

As we drove to her resting place... Well, the place where she is buried, I remembered driving down that road before. She was so happy that day, laughing as I frequently had to slow down and speed up. Tears welled in my eyes, knowing that I would never again enjoy such a ride.

The afternoon was filled with the usually self centered banter of distant family members. Thinking that no one else cared what the meaning behind today was, I was filled with anger and disappointment. Was I the ONLY one who knew we were supposed to be sad?!?!?! ::sigh:: She would have never wanted everyone sitting around and moping over her. I can hear that gruff, but friendly voice chastising my depressing mentality. "Turn some music on, laugh, have a drink..."

She's one of the most amazing women I know. Not only did she survive a horrific childhood, she was in a dysfunctional marriage, raising 2 step children, fighting addictions, and amazingly made everyone else the center of her world. I'll never be able to completely fill that void; I'll always miss her terribly... but I hope one day I can strive to be more like her.

Lacking in all things inspiring

Day two of blankity, blank, blank. It is difficult to embrace a lull in life, ie feelings and passion. I'm generally such a driven person; following each fleeting interest until I eventually become so consumed that nothing else matters. As I sit here, my attention is frequently pulled to a random cooking competition and I start to question myself, yet again. A self proclaimed non-TV viewer and I can not keep my eyes from wandering back as the drama unfolds. Because of this minuscule issue, I'm forced to acknowledge again, that I do not know who I am anymore. How is it possible that my full identity has disappeared? I"m not the person, I thought I was. Not that it is necessarily all bad. There are several things about this "person" that I didn't like and that I'm not wanting to hold onto, but what about the positive features? Why do I have to lose her as well? **Sigh** and then I get pulled back into the war of fairness and sitting rather comfy at my personal pity party.

But, I digress...

Tomorrow's the day.... The 1 year mark since I received the call that sent my world shutting down. I sit here and think, it wasn't much later than this, when she fell asleep and never woke again.
I hate therapy. I'm so pissed. I'm about to hit such a hard spot and that stupid therapist is so busy judging where my relationship is at, that she isn't focusing on what is really killing me. Blah!!! I completely think I'm wasting my time. I need some help! I'm still broken, I have no tools, I just wish I could experience happiness.

**sigh**

I'm probably just tired.

A new dawn must have skipped me.

I seem to be at a loss of word or ideas. As I think of it, I've been at a loss all day. I struggled to find a reason to stay in therapy today. While sitting in therapy, I fought to figure out what emotions I was feeling. How does a person not know what they are feeling? Of course, at the same time, I must admit I don't know who I am. Yes, I'll admit, this definitely sucks.

The following are my notes from group:

When writing a letter, determine what your expectations are. If you are expecting your letter to make the other person change, you will be disappointed when they don't change.

Suggestion during arguments: time out

My mood at 10:00 am
even tempered, sleepy, blank, bored, nervous that my time is ending, playful, joking, unfocused, anxious

Objects: inanimate, unfeeling, disposable, replaceable (generally), can mean something to others, monetary value, lacking in life, purpose.

Have I ever in my life felt like a stapler? My relationship with my father.

Who else do I treat like this? Everyone in close range - I keep myself oblivious to them so I don't have to feel the pain.

Addictions treat family members like objects.

What are you going to do differently to stop treating them like objects? Leave the bedroom more often. Be myself.

"Self esteem is different from conceit. Conceit is the weirdest disease in the world. It makes everyone sick, except the one who has it."

Tru dat!

Very true, but as the one who is either blessed with self esteem or conceited, this is a line that may be confusing to determine. Is it conceited to share tidbits of what you are proud to have accomplished? When is it just healthy self esteem to boast about your self? For the one sharing or boasting their most memorial achievements, they know not how they affect others until the damage is done. The impact on those around the bragger is not known until a negative response is received. Then the healthy boasting is retracted and esteem is slanted. A truly conceited person is often hiding a false sense of security. Inside they are self destructing but outside they appear to be a ray of sunshine.

I lack in both - occasionally I may brag about accomplishments, but I lack in the security behind it.

I can re-parent myself. I can retrain my thinking. I can rebuild my self esteem. Work on affirmatives every day.