Reflections

When I first started on this bipolar journey...  Well, my journey of healing, rather...  I felt so utterly alone.  I wanted someone that could relate to how I felt and not just tell me that I had to get over it or that I was selfish...  As, I looked around me, I realized that, even though many people loved me with my extremist behaviors, no one really understood how crazy it all felt.  People were quick to tell me that my doctor didn't know what he was talking about when he diagnosed me as bipolar, they further enabled my thoughts of paranoia that the drs were just out to get me, because I was on top of my game!  I fought the diagnosis, denied the diagnosis and ignored the diagnosis.  

I can't say there was a clear moment when I knew something had to change.  There was an avalanche of events in an one year period of time.  It all started w/ the climatic meltdown.  I had become so manic that I was delusional and really had lost all connection w/ reality.  I was sending money to a stranger in another state that was going to swoop me up and fulfill my empty heart.  I had plans to walk away from everything, family, friends, even my children.  Mentally, I thought they all hated me anyway and would be much better if they didn't have to see me again.  Most men would have walked away...  but my husband didn't.  To this day, I'll never have more admiration, respect and utmost amazement in anyone that I have in this man.  I broke his heart over and over again through the years and as I was lying in my bed, tremoring, completely disoriented and in utter fear of what was happening, he picked me up and took me to the hospital.  With his fresh wounds still bleeding, his concern was on me.  How fair was that?  After all the evil in my heart and his still filled with undying love?  

The fight had started, but I was still not well.  I started this page one afternoon because I so desperately needed someone to talk to.  I had much more healing and growth ahead of me, but I knew I couldn't do it alone.  I just wanted a friend...someone that genuinely cared about me.  I had "friends" that fed my mania, set me up in promiscuios behavior, partied w/ me, made me feel that this "life" was normal.  It was fun.  I didn't have one friend that I trusted enough to cry with, to say my heart hurts, I'm so lonely and I just want to die.  No wonder everyone thought the diagnosis was a hoax.  I had spent so much time and energy into being what everyone else thought I should be and hiding what I really was, what I had become...  The monster inside me.

After starting this page, I would spend hours just searching for the word, "bipolar" on facebook.  It would bring up people's status updates that had this word in it.  I would email these people an invite to my support page.  

" I am struggling with bipolar and recently started a page for others with bipolar or those who love us. It's a page for sharing and connecting. I'm doing random searches on here in relation to bipolar and your name popped up, so I thought I would share this site with you. Having a support system is such a vital part of coping with this diagnosis. Feel free to share this site with your friends and family. My goal is to have a strong network of people that can be there when we are sinking to the bottom of the pit. I hope to chat with you soon.Thanks!Jamie"

I was nervous that people would yell at me for "stalking" them, but instead was surprised when people starting thanking me and inviting others to join as well.  In the beginning , the group was small, but the impact was great.  I "met" the most amazing, caring people....  and all they wanted was someone to talk to.  I always made myself available to them.  There were late night IM's, emails, and text messages.  I never wanted anyone to feel like they were alone, especially if it came to a crucial life/death moment.  When people reach out, they are really wanting someone to tell them not to do it, that they DO MATTER!  I felt my best when I could give myself to someone else.

In time, life settled down.  I came to realize that I had to make some changes.  Bipolar doesn't care who you are, who you think you are, how wealthy or poor you are.  It takes peoples' lives.  It's not something to be ignored.   I'm so grateful that  my moment of desperation to find someone, has found me nearly 800!  I hope that I can impact you, the same as you impact me.  

Relationships - assignment

I have found it difficult to build and maintain healthy relationships. Throughout my 20’s, most of my relationships were based on the erratic, uncontrolled behaviors of my untreated illness, bipolar. It wasn’t until I was 28 that I was diagnosed and by then I had wreaked such havoc in my life, sabotaged any positive influences and destroyed what I considered the moral of my character. I had betrayed those that loved me the most and desecrated my own marriage. I looked around and found myself pretty much alone. Even through this, I couldn’t come to terms with my diagnosis. I felt like the world had turned against me. Sure, I had some issues; who didn’t?

Eric Honeycutt once said, “The wings of angels are often found on the backs of the least likely people.” My angel came to me in the guise of my stepmother. To better understand why she would be such an unlikely angel, you need to grasp just how unstable our relationship was. She came into my life just a few years after my mother was murdered. At that time, I had witnessed more tragedy then the common CSI showed all season long. I knew death, betrayal, abuse and I held them close to me. It was the only thing that had been a constant in my life. I didn’t take well to her new role as a mommy. The following years held resentment, physical abuse, my first suicidal attempt, and ended with being 18, pregnant and homeless. As my journey began as a single mother, my parents began a sinister journey of drugs, pills, and multiple overdoses. I walked away and thought I had lost them to a reality that I no longer could bear. For the following ten years, communication with them was sporadic and usually very emotionally charged.

It happened gradually, the rebuilding of a relationship beyond comprehendible repair. My stepmom, Tina, began to seek help for her addictions and slowly began to humanize in my eyes again. In time, she became my one true friend. As my behavior became more outrageous, she listened without a judgmental ear. I didn’t struggle to reach out to her, as I had with most other people. Asking for help, someone to relate to, or just some understanding was no longer a difficult feat for me. She surprisingly, in a time of turmoil, became the one person I trusted. In life, I had never shared such intimate details about myself to anyone. Tina knew my heart like no one else. It was with her, that I finally began to trust someone. My defense mechanism of detachment was turned off.

While Tina grew into my only pillar, I found myself going out of my way to make sure she had enjoyment in her life. As my parents are very limited on resources; I funded family camping trips, bonfire parties, and BBQ’s. Contrary to a history of ten years, we appeared to be a normal, functioning family; spending the holidays under one roof, again. We spent two wonderful years building on estranged family back into one unit. As that short two years had to come to an end, I constantly have to reassure myself that I was able to give her as much as she gave me.

On June 3, 2009, just days after finally accepting treatment for my bipolar, I received the worst call imaginable. Tina had died in the wee hours of the morning due to an accidental drug overdose. Her life ended to the one thing she had fought to overcome. In an instant, I felt undeniably alone again. While, my heart doesn’t break with every memory of her, I still feel her void. I often long to pick up the phone and hear her raspy voice on the other end. Driving to their home isn’t the same without knowing she’ll be there to greet me. She is loved.

“The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.”

George Elliot

Sometimes I hate, but always I love you

It has been months since my last post.... Partly due to the medication the doctor had me on; it was a real sedating drug. I couldn't do much past sleep my every free moment. Sometimes I feel like a real failure for my kids. It is hard to contribute as a parent when I only want to close my eyes. *SIGH*

When I was a child, I found the line, "Sometimes I hate you, but always I love you," printed below a picture of my father in one of my mother's photo albums. Since my mom died when I was only 7, I will never get the opportunity to know the person she truly was. Recently, I spoke with a relative that was pretty close to her, and in talking with her, I realized how similar I really am to what my mother was. This line rings true in my own relationship. Since October, when my husband left due to my own infidelity; I've struggled with this. I love my husband so much, yet I do so much to destroy him. I wonder what type of person I've become.

We are on separate, yet intertwining paths. I hope I can prove I'm not my mother.

Good bye, my friend. In memory of Kevin Scott

I met Kevin during my summer spent in intensive therapy. From the beginning, there was a spark to him. He had a great sense of humor and an amazing way of caring for others... always trying to build them up. He never could see what a wonderful man he really was. After our time spent in group concluded, I didn't think I would ever hear from him again. You know how it goes, you make friends here and there and shed them just the same. Well, one day I receive a random text message from an unknown person, asking me how I was. Kevin had stayed connected to a mutual friend and asked her for my number. From there, we started to talk nearly everyday. I would wake up and there would be a text telling me good morning and telling me to get out of bed. We chatted about how he felt about himself and he would tease me about deflecting when it came to talking about me. Anytime I ever put myself down, he was there to scold me and pick me back up. Kevin told me that I was his best friend and to be honest, he was mine. I knew that I could say anything, even if it was for shock value, and he was always supportive. He threatened to kick my ass so many times for talking about how I just wanted to die. He'd get all pissy about me trying to bug him while he worked on building his new home. He'd tell me how he was gonna make me come out there and help him when it was freezing. LOL. We'd plan our great escape of running away together to avoid the pains of this world. He was my hero! I loved him so much for what he gave me through this summer. There are so many wonderful memories with him, I could go on forever.

So, Monday, after not hearing from him since Thursday, I sent him a text, teasing him about forgetting about his best friend. I had tried to contact him over the weekend, to no avail. When he responded, he told me that he had fallen off his roof and through a window pane or something to that degree. He had broken some ribs and had some stitches. He was in a lot of pain, but alive and at home. On Tuesday I sent him a text letting him know I was thinking about him, but didn't hear anything back. At 7 am this morning, I answered my phone to hear that he had died. At this point I'm still not sure what happened...

I'm heart broken. While Kevin and I were friends for only months, I did grow to love him as if I had known him for years. I am struggling to get a grasp on this, but I know that I will... just as I did after Tina died.

Life is nothing but a series of interruptions.

I don't usually spend time preaching to the masses on here. To be honest, while I do believe that Christians should be a witness, I don't believe that they should bombard others with their believes. I believe in a mutual respect between all beliefs... I'm in no position to try and convince anyone that they are wrong in what the belief, as I stand upon my own shaky ground of belief....

However, I have had moments in my life, especially over the last couple years, that have seemed to have a message just for me. It seems as if God is telling me that I need to get my life together. I can't always explain the situation, the epiphany, the light at the end of the tunnel.... It just happens, ya know? Like today.

I've been living in this mental HELL. Each day feels like my insides are trying to break free of the confinement of my skin. It's horrible. I want to die. Seriously. Death is such a rewarding escape. I couldn't take much more.

The last time I went to church, I left in panic. I couldn't think in that building. My mind kept racing, screaming, "GET OUT!!!" I plotted my exit, to be of the least disturbance and drove home as fast as I could. I hid in my room... Getting me out of there was as likely as our success in Iraq... nonexistent.

Last night I decided to go to church again. It was calling me.

This is what I learned:

Life is nothing but a series of interruptions. We spend our days waiting to get through the next issue...

-once we get our finances on track

-once I start to feel better

-once I overcome this illness

-once my kids grow up

Instead of living for the day, we live for what might come tomorrow... As if we decide our own destiny. It's like we think that once the finances get on track NOTHING else will become an obstacle; it will just be smooth sailing. In reality, though, the finances fall on and off the track, the kids grow up but still need your guidance, the illness comes and goes, and you neglected God. Of course, you may wonder, where God would come into this.... But, we have to remember

1.God knows where we are and what we are going through.

2.To seek God now and to live now instead of waiting until our situation changes.

3.God's plans are better than ours.

He hasn't forgotten you. He knows right where you are.

4.We can trust that God is good and that everything he does is for our own good... (we can't say the same for our own actions)

We miss him because we want answers and we are not seeking him.

5.We can be assured that is we genuinely seek him, we will find him.

The ups and downs, the light and darkness, the beginning and the end

When all hope is gone, all that remains is the bitterness and hatred of the past. Paint on that smile, pretend it is all well and happiness abounds. You'll always know the truth of pure hopelessness. "The fever becomes my home."

Walk forward, shedding the past as if you are shedding weights of tattered old clothing... Feel the pressure start to dissipate... Rebirth and new hope.

I haven't blogged in forever, with the exception of posting my dream from the other night. I spent just about the whole damn summer in depression, only escaping a day here and a day there for a moment of solace. It sucked hard core. I would go up to 3 days without taking a shower (I never go a day without a shower)... But, then again, there was no reason to shower, I had no plans to leave my bedroom, let alone my house. My quality of life just seemed so bleak. I had given up on the hope of ever being whole, healthy, complete... I just wanted to die.

Death became very consuming. I planned the place... the people I would text (of course I couldn't call, they might try to talk me out of it)... The letters I would write, explaining it wasn't them, that I DID love them and wanted them to live to happy and healthy.... The vehicle I would take (one of our cars is paid off, the other is not. I figured if I took the one that wasn't paid off, he could give it up to the bank, wouldn't have the reminder of my body in the front seat, and would still have a paid off vehicle). Yeah, I think I had every detail figured out. My method of execution has always been overdosing. There didn't seem to be another option.

I knew all the things I would say to someone else that wanted to die.. How sad I would be that this wonderful person couldn't see the light... See that there was a way out, but it just took time. I would cry for the babies they would leave behind, the hopelessness that seemed to be overhead. I would beg them to get the help they DESERVED... These words didn't matter to me. "My family would be better off without me," kept control of my thoughts. I wanted out, I wanted to be free of it all. Call me selfish, call me hypocritical, call me what you must; it doesn't change the mindset I was in.

The light came.

Almost a week ago, the filter was removed and a few rays of sunshine came in. The next day, was even better with me finally leaving the house for a visit to the orchard and my father's house. Progressively, I've started to feel better and my motivation is returning. At times, I've become quite overwhelmed in needing to go more... I fear that I may enter in mania... Maybe, I'm just afraid of myself being level. I honestly don't know about myself, anymore.

The downside to being out the hell hole of depression is that I start to evaluate my life. I now feel there are things that I desperately need to change, people that I need to shed, goals that I need to complete. This is not the life I want for myself and my children. I want to teach them that they can be strong and independent and that people may try to bring them down, but they can stand against that and conquer all self doubt. Unfortunately, these changes hurt other people. I'm so tired of having to give up my happiness for the happiness of others. Yet, here I am trying to sabotage the opportunity at happiness, even if it is a fleeting happiness, so that other people aren't hurt by me. I cry out, "Why don't I matter????"

Dream interpretation.

Ok, so I had this dream last night that had me so scared I had to wake Shane up to turn on the bathroom light so I could pee! I watched a show the other day about dream symbolism and now I find myself looking for things in my dreams. So, I decided to post this one and get your insight if you enjoy this type of thing!

I was standing in front of my home, which was represented as a country home that needed some repairs, but wasn't completely worn down. I was Dr. House and I had a wife and young child (about 1-2 years old). I don't remember my wife's appearance, but I think my child, whom I feel like was a girl, had blond locks. There was a large field next to our home that we did not maintain. It was mainly one produce, except there was a portion that was the farmers personal gardener. There were a few workers in his garden and I kept going over there and stealing stuff. I stole a tomato off a vine that had been sliced and wrapped in plastic wrap, a couple watermelons and a couple pumpkins. My wife kept telling me to stop, but I told her that he wouldn't notice. As I was stealing the last pumpkin, which was shaped with flat sides and almost looked like a heart, we heard screaming from across the street. (Across the street was our shed with a fridge that I was putting the watermelon in, and another large field. There were more workers in this field) I somehow knew people were getting butchered with a knife in that field and yelled at my wife to go into our home and lock the doors. She wanted me to go with her,but I had to put the pumpkin in the shed. So, I ran across the street into the shed and locked the door. I tried to squat down so this person, whom I didn't see but knew it was a girl with blond locks, wouldn't see me. Suddenly she was outside the window I was sitting under and she says to me, "House, I have to stop doing this."

Then I woke up...

So, I read that dreams are usually linked to events from the previous day or the upcoming day and are represented by symbols.

So, yesterday I didn't sleep well the night before, but did get up to go to a class I do not like and hadn't been to in almost 2 weeks. I got Seth off to school and headed to class. First I stopped at the bank and deposited a check, then McDonalds to get breakfast. When I went to pay, I couldn't find my debit card, so I drove to school. I sat in my van for a few minutes searching for my debit card and griping at Shane because I thought he took it. Then up to spanish. It was a bit stressful because I didn't know the material. I did a lot of guessing. After class I discussed my progress with my teacher and she said she thought I could still pass the class and we talked about my bipolar and how it was affecting my attendance and my anxieties. It was a good meeting. Following that I had lunch with a girlfriend of mine and had a great visit. Then home. I did a few facebook postings, Shane got home from work, and I took a 2 hour nap. Seth got home from school at 3:35, we left at 4:30 to pay the gas bill and got a coke (yummy). We discussed my health and my changes since the April breakdown. Then to pick up Adrianna from bridges, and take Seth to football practice (5:00) Nothing much was going on, we decided to have carryout for dinner and left to get that with our 2 dogs at 6:30. Picked the kids up from the park at 7, had dinner and watched some Simpsons, House. Took meds about 8. Wrote some motherly advice in Adrianna's new journal. Asleep by 9:30.

Today, I just have a field trip with Seth to an apple orchard and mail a check out. No classes, but I do need to study my spanish.

My interpretation -

Being represented by an actor could mean that I am feeling unsure of myself (and this does apply for schooling, for sure)

Being male represents stubborn, determined and forceful

Wife - "close connection, unity, belief"

Family - "your general happiness - your personality as a whole and in particular your judgment" - not sure how a wife and blonde child represent my happiness... The wife was holding the child on her hip... Maybe since it wasn't my family it was a disconnected since in regards to happiness.

The house - "The house can symbolize "the self" so house dreams can often link to health issues." - I've already mentioned my health and I have a plethora of health issues. The house was worn down, so that makes sense.

The garden - Gardens link to ideas , habits, relationships that are growing on us and becoming deeply meaningful. - Really not sure on that one.

The stealing - links to issues of self respect, prestige and recognition. - My card IS missing, and that can reflect on respecting my property...

The vegetables - basic needs in life - meeting a balanced set of basic needs - hmm, I feel like stealing from the garden should be one tied in message, but this don't seem to correlate to one another.

The field - "Some problem or situation neatly sectioned off" "Thinking of some problem" - Hmmm, that could be between the spanish or the medication or even that I'm driving to this orchard on my own... I get a little anxious about that kind of thing. There were the 2 fields, so maybe I have 2 issues... but, I'll be honest, I don't think any issue of mine is neatly sectioned off! lol

Protecting (the family) - "put up an emotional barrier - excluding something - resist some idea" - Well if the theme is staying the same I'm thinking it's about the meds and my own well being.

The killer - Youth - Eager and enthusiastic: Child - a need to protect; Blonde - surface level, superficial - Got nothing here

The killing - "they usually revolve around the wish to resist or stop something" - I've been fighting my bipolar treatment for some time. Or it may be I'm trying to break free of the control from Shane.

The knife - "Highly Involved, interested, really understanding, arguments" - I argue passionately over my medication with Shane... As well, we just had the fuss over my debit card (which I still don't know where it is, in the past he has taken it to curb my spending).

Hiding - "Hiding in a simple sense may suggest that you feel lacking in confidence or that there are overwhelming forces up against you in some way. But hiding may also link to the truth. You may feel that you have not accepted the truth or that you are deceiving yourself." - This is definitely true in general... I also struggle accepting bipolar

The Shed - cast away, throw away, discard - Interesting.

Being Found - "FOUND come to a conclusion on something - understand totally someone elses behavior FOUND explore some new feeling FOUND lay the foundations for some new idea"

Well, I think my take on it, is that I'm struggling with the truth of my diagnosis and the control Shane has over my medication/treatment/life.

What do you think? Maybe I'm missing something or maybe there is another way to process this. I'd love your input. If you are interested in the website I used, it is http://www.unclesirbobby.org.uk/dreamessay.php

My friend, Wendy's interpretation -

"When I interpret dreams, I interpret them the way I would for myself... so, if this doesn't even pertain to anything in your life, it's just how I read them. Here's my very short interpretation...

house = subconscious
garden = inner growth & stability

I feel that the little girl represents your 'inner child' and the grown up represents you. The two completely different 'shelters' represent two areas of you inner psyche. The home represents the warmth and safety side... the shed represents an area of your psyche that you are working on filling with 'stability'. However, just as you pick that last pumpkin, and think that the shed is finally going to be filled with produce 'inner-growth & stability'; you fear something horrible is happening, which causes that feeling of stability to go away making you feel unstable, vulnerable, afraid and trapped as you hide in fear from this child ~ disconnected from the warmth of your home.

Inner house represents inward appearance/subconscious. Outer house represents outward appearance/consciousness. If the inner house has levels, it represents different areas of the subconscious. The basement would represent your deep subconscious."

Letter 3 - Dear Shane (spouse)

Dear Shane,

I just want to start by saying that I've never loved anyone, the way that I love you. I don't think there are words to express how much I cherish you as my husband.

I know things started with an intense passion which led to our rocky struggles. You never cease to amaze me with your perseverance and dedication. Even when times have been at the worst imaginable, you have stayed by my side. You inspire me to continue working on who I am and who I want to be. To you, I give my heart, mind and soul... my all.

I hope for a future of wholeness, health, well being, and an immense joy. With you, I know that I will have the happiness I've longed for. You make me a better person!

I can't wait until we renew our vows on a sunny beach in California. I long to see your face as I devote myself to you and our family. We have such an amazing life together and some wonderful things to look forward to in our future.

I love you bunny, now and for all eternity!

Jamie

Letter 2 - Dear Stacy

Dear Stacy,

I miss you like crazy girl!

You know, our friendship is truly a blessing for me. I wish I would have been the strong friend you needed throughout the years. I thought of myself and no one else. As we both can see, that behavior really caught up to me. You amaze me for being able to stay around after all the bad I've done to all in my life. There are no words to explain how grateful I am to have a friend like you.

I hate being nearly across the country from you! However, I know that someday we will be reunited, either on earth or in heaven... But, hopefully on earth first, lol.

So, I was listening to the Sunday School lesson and they asked, if Jesus is the first man in your life. (I thought of you and your dedication when I heard this) I know that I am struggling with this. It is easy to put God aside, I think, as if it was a part of your life (like yoga), but not the full life.... making my husband and kids my full life. I have to work on this. It is still awkward for me, being a Christian again. I pray it gets more natural, it doesn't have to be easier... I would just like to be able to say "Jesus" without feeling strange.

You know just about everything there is to know about me. You've seen the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and you still support me. Just as I feel Tina's death was meant as a shock effect, something meant to get me on track. I think that night we met up on myspace again, after all those years, that was meant to put you back as a mentor for me... or maybe it was to benefit us both. Either way, I know God is working through those around me, to pull me back in. I have a purpose... still trying to fine tune it, but at least I'm not stuck in my rut anymore.

I wonder where this path is meant to take us. Wherever it is, I hope that you will still be by myside. You are the best friend that I have ever had. I love you bunches girlie!

Love,

Jamie

Letter 1 - Dear Adrianna

Dear Adrianna,

You are growing into such a beautiful lady. I am so proud to be your mother. I hope to instill in you a sense of pride and confidence, because while you are a beauty, this doesn't get you to a safe and fulfilling place in life. It's a joy to see how you grow and develop on a daily basis.

I often fear the impact I'm having on you as a mother. I know it must be difficult to have a mother with bipolar. My greatest fear is passing this disorder to you or your brother. While I feel it will be a blessing in disguise for me, it is still a daily struggle; a struggle that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm sorry for the way I am towards you and this family on occasion. When I'm in a mood, it isn't directed toward any of you.

I know you don't always understand the way things work or why things happen. Your grandma's death was such a hard experience for you. I'm glad to see that you are working through your feelings by writing. Writing and keeping a journal, I belief, is one of the best means of working through your emotions. You are such a talented writer at such a young age. It's amazing to see your determination to become a stronger writer. You will never cease to amaze me.

One thing I want you to walk away with is knowing that you have the ability to conquer the challenges that will be presented in the course of your life. You have so much of me in you and the women in this family are fighters. You've got this!

I love you and always will. You are my little princess no matter how old you get. <3


Love,

Your Mommy

Suicide Cry

This is my second post for today; not because I'm some new blogger and this excites me, but because on the drive home the suicidal thoughts popped back up. These 'personal death wishes' have plagued pretty heavily upon my mind as of late. All in all, however, I have personal death wishes on a daily basis. I'm constantly looking around to find my means of 'escape.'

Hmmmm, I don't think escape is the best way to look at this. I don't think about suicide, for the most part, as a means of escape from the world. Although, that is definitely the case for some of them. In reality, I consider suicide like the ultimate message. You write this goodbye letter followed by the ultimate act of seriousness. .. "See, I'm not bull shitting, I really do feel sorry, alone, hate, pain, etc..."

Which leads me to today... I'm driving home from an excruciating scenic dog walk, when I think about all the people I've hurt. I've destroyed lines of trust in multiple relationships, lost friendships that I had had for years, and now there is nothing I can do to show them how sorry I am... EXCEPT, if I ended my life because of my remorse. Then they'd finally believe me. They'd have to, right. Who would end their life to leave a lie as the message....

Sigh... I probably won't do it. I'm a chicken for one. But, besides the fear of pain and failing at suicide (that sucks), I love my babies too much to do it. If it wasn't for having them and a strong husband who doesn't need suicide to see my sorrow, self disappointment, and remorse, I know I wouldn't still be here. With them, I'm a stronger person, a better person, a striving person.

Maybe these other people will never see how the disorder has impacted me, negatively and positively, but the people that matter see me for who I am. I long for the day that I can walk away from my past and leave it lie... Until then, I'll continue to struggle, as all of my dear friends with bipolar do.

Introducing Bootsie

Well, I've taken myself off two meds, klonopin and abilify. My mood was elevated for awhile, but now it seems to be coming down. Most of this facebook stuff is just a chore. I'm read to sleep days away in my bed. I keep thinking I need a baby sitter for my kids so that they are being taken care of while I just sleep. I don't know how people make it through years of med changes and psychotherapy.... I'm ready to throw the towel in after just a few months.

I visit with people and mentally I'm begging to go home, while my shell seems so pleasant and happy. I feel like a fraud, a liar, just a pawn. However, this is the person that everyone likes. No one likes the Jamie that stays in bed, hates life, and wishes she could die.

A positive to my week.. I got a new puppy, named Bootsie. She makes me smile.....

"Our ACTIONS are the SPRING (WOW, powerful words) of our HAPPINESS or MISERY."
PHILIP SKELTON

I used to think, this guy must not know a thing about mental diseases... Try being bipolar for just a day and maybe he'd get it. But you know, as I sit here, withdrawing from the Abilify that I, yes I, decided to wean off of, I realize that I am taking actions that spring forth my happiness or misery.

Doctors seems to get paid a lot to listen very little. After walking away from a hopeful new doctor, I was told he'd rather I stay with my current dr. I don't see my psychiatrist for another month and I'm going through serious physical issues.... he's just that booked. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! What the hell does it take to get treated here? Hospitalization. I'm ready for that, again, ALREADY. Just SOMEONE to listen to me and help me figure this out. I don't want drugs. I don't want babied. I just want to feel better. Is that really that much to ask????

So, I decided, to start my own experiment. Maybe not the brightest idea, but it is going to have to work until I finally get help over the next few months. I say eff the medical field.

Here I am, AGAIN, up at 2 am after falling asleep at 8pm. I shouldn't be awake... I assume the ambien has worn off. I'm so tired of all of this. So, I sit at my cheaply made desk and notice the parking stubs from camping 2 years ago. Has it really been two years since we went camping with her? ::sigh:: I'd rather not linger. I make a plea to the warm chamomile to quickly calm my energetic self tonight. As it stands, I've sorted through a pretty impressive pile of papers and now I'm compelled to journal. I made log for moods last month, but never used it. I'm feeling rather foolish now that I have an appointment with a new Dr tomorrow. I am hoping that this dr can mean some change. I honestly can't continue to live in this state. I couldn't manage class today and when we took the kids to swim, I spent most of it in the truck, ready to go home. Am I really disabled? Am I really meant to live on like this. I've reached out as much as I think I can, to no relief... It's just too much anymore.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uD8DlxwHsE

The Bipolar Plea

SEE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I AM NOT!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I SEE ME!!
SEE ME THROUGH IT ALL!!
See me for me......

I am not another "one"
Lost to the land of crazies.
I am desperately searching,
for a way, the right way.
It may take me awhile,
This path is unlit and daunting,
But don't forget the person you once knew....

The person you once knew.
The person who laughed with you.
The person who grasped onto a logical reality.
That person is me.
I'm still here, somewhere


Some... where....
Come.... here....
See... me....
Save... me....

My rock, my foundation.... MY BESTFRIEND

Best Friend -
1) Person that brings the best out of you.
2) Person that holds you by a higher standard.
3) Person that is supportive of you and your growth as a person.

I used to think I had a lot of best friends... I had all kinds of girls to party with, male bash with, be completely immoral with. I found though, that the minute things changed in my life, ie, I didn't party, I didn't screw around, I needed support, then I was all alone. All my friends were off still doing what we had done TOGETHER and none of them wanted the boring Jamie. I realized today that I have one true friend, other than God. This true friend may possibly be my guardian angel.



I met Stacy when I was about 13 years old. I had always been a trouble maker and so had she. We spent many days, lying and tricking our parents for our fancy of the hour. Oh the fun we had!!

Time passed and we grew, or rather she grew closer to God and stronger in her convictions, while I grew further from God and more deceptive. We stopped talking, as I no longer affiliated with those 'judgmental christian types.' She spent those years on her knees, praying for me to come back to the Lord. I spent those years sewing corruption.

One day, on myspace, she came across my profile. We hit off our friendship as before. This time, although I was agnostic/atheist, I was responsive to her opinions. If I confided that I was doing something immoral, she was there to scold, but to also reassure.

When I lost all the people I thought were my friends, I looked around at the empty lot and there she was, holding me up. When the world judged me as bipolar, she proudly stood next to me, wearing her "I'm the friend of someone with bipolar" pin.

BECAUSE of her support as a friend, I have reached out to many others with bipolar. BECAUSE of her strength as a friend, I am challenging myself to become a better, stronger person. BECAUSE of her undying love, I know I can love with the purest love. BECAUSE she held my hand across the distance of land, I will one day hold the hand of many and offer the same gifts she has given me.

She may never know the value I with her and the true friendship we share, but it is a friendship that I wouldn't have survived with. She is truly my gift from God.

I love you Stacy, for the person you are and the person you make me strive to be!

The Soothing Effect of a Soft Storm

The gentle rumble of thunder calms my inner child in the midst of her tantrum. Outside my window I hear the sounds of rubber tires splashing in the swollen street beds and it peacefully persuades her eyes to flutter shut. The tip tap of raindrops on the window pane sweetly stills her agitates soul, while the tic toc of the clock on the wall above slips her into a deep trance of solace.

These feelings of agitation, restlessness, and panic have become all too familiar recently. The monster of anxiety has lurked in the darkness, preying upon moments of childlike innocence and enjoyment; destroying all that is held close and cherished at all costs. There has been no defeating this villain, with all attempts resulting in the most fierce restriction of the heart and lungs. With skin crawling, I live in retreat. "STOP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!" I scream out, but to the world it is a mere rustle of the wind; leaves stirring and loose dirt stinging the eyes. I cry, "Why don't you help me? Why don't you hear me? I'm right here!!!" Unfortunately, right here is amongst the shadows, the darkest corners of the world. The hustle and bustle of society is heard all around me; the gentle rain turned more persistent, the splashing tires now create waves of despair in my world.

In the shadows I exist, feeling alone and destitute. All the friends in the world and there is no one to hear my pleas for help. But for now, at least I have the gentle rumble of thunder calming my inner child in the midst of her tantrum, the sounds of rubber tires splashing in the swollen street beds peacefully persuading her eyes to flutter shut, the tip tap of raindrops on the window pane sweetly stilling her agitates soul, with the tic toc of the clock on the wall above slipping her into a deep trance of solace.

Are you ready for a fight?

More and more I start to question my denial of God... I find that I've received messages and people have entered my life at times when I've needed them most. I can no longer assume fate/karma can have such a strong impact on my life. Nope, this must be something stronger, something bigger, SOMEONE with a PLAN for my life. It is still awkward to say "God this," or "God that," but the clumsiness I assume will fade in time. I'm finally at a point that I want to believe in something. This emptiness has become overwhelming... even with the sea of smiling faces at my window.

I look around me and all I see is care and concern for someone as small and insignificant as me. I've been blessed to meet people on here from around the world. These demographic strangers have influenced me more than my closest friend around the bend. All the people in my life, make it worth living... They give me reason to wake another day, good or bad, and embark upon the next twist of my journey. Without my family and friends, both close and online, I don't believe I would have had the strength to move on.

I fell tired the other night working on my blog. I ended with "Is bipolar easy?" Heck no, it's not! However, I have faith that once I manage it, instead of it managing me that I'll find the happiness I so long for. I wouldn't change a day of my life... Mistakes, betrayals, losses, loves, memories, successes. These things have given me something to fight for. I fight to overcome those negatives and I fight to achieve more positives.

Today was a rough day, but I ended it grateful for having another day to share with my family and friends.

The Beauty Within

The last few days have wore on my mental state, however, as I've read many comments regarding "madness," "curse," "mental hell," I can't help but to feel like I'm lucky to have this beautiful challenge.

Is having bipolar easy?

The high tide of dispair has it's ugly crest at my heels...

The menacing face of my mania demon has reared it's head my way and is threatening my defeat. I'm overwhelmed with this ghost of past mistakes haunting my every moment, both waking and in the depth of my dreams. My heart screams, "MAKE IT STOP!!!" There is no relief in sight, I'm bound by disease. BIPOLAR, BIPOLAR, BIPOLAR... The chant fills my thoughts and capsizes any hope for a brighter tomorrow. Death seems inevitable.. but all around me I see the reasons for my existence. It seems that I must be destined to a life of mediocre fulfillment in order to maintain the balance in the life's of those I love.

I woke this morning with the urge to take my life at the cost of the world I've created. I chose to embark on the day, against every whim flowing through my body. The day progressively worsened and by 7 pm, I felt the day was wasted time, I should have been woman enough to say goodbye to it all. I'm pretty tired. I'll sleep tonight and hope for a brighter tomorrow....